The Last Mail from 'Gunraj'

Below is the email I sent out to all the important people in my life, sometime in August 2007, when I came out to them...



Dear All

A few of you – I have lost touch with… Yet, when I sat down to write this mail, you had to be in the Receivers' List because you have touched some part of my life – big or small; somewhere, it would give me peace to know that I let you know…

A few of you – already know what this mail is all about; yet, you had to be in the Receivers' List because this is almost an 'official notice' about The Truth – that I'm sending out to all those who have made a difference to my life in some way (of course, the additional conditions being their having an email id and my being able to trace it!)

A few of you – I believe, when you've read the contents of this mail, will exclaim – "Oh, that's why!" Yes, I'm hopeful that a few, if not many of you, will be able to understand me better after this…

Many of you – might be shocked by what you're about to read – especially if the person called 'Gunraj' has been long dissolved into shadows of the times forgotten (in which case, I might owe you an apology for reminding you of me, needlessly!) However, writing this to you would complete a circle somewhere inside me, and very selfishly, I'm doing it for MYSELF…

There was always something 'unusual' with me – and I knew that. I found it hard to be comfortable with almost every other human being around me – for a long time. Everybody needs a comfort zone; mine kept eluding me… For very long, despite knowing that I was experiencing a 'strange condition', I didn't have the words to explain it.

Not until I found out about 'Gender Identity Disorder' at 18 years of age. A so-called psychological condition wherein a person feels themselves to be trapped in a wrong body. An apparently male person identifies with the female gender [in layman language, 'a female soul trapped in a male body'], and vice versa. Whatever little research has been done on this condition has not been able to explain clearly why this should happen when everything else about the anatomy of this person is perfectly 'usual'. Yet, it is a valid human condition experienced right from childhood, and a small percentage of the world population does experience it.

Even though the condition is psychologically termed as a 'Disorder', yet, for all practical purposes, the disorder is biological – because a transsexual person (one who experiences this condition) thinks, feels and often behaves just like a person of the gender identity he/she identifies with, only their body doesn't conform to it.

By now, I'm sure you have put 2 and 2 together to know that I myself am a transperson. It was a relief for me to know when I did, that there was a term to explain my confusion, and even though science itself was not too clear about it, yet 'transsexuality' was an acknowledged condition and many identified with it.

It WAS a relief to know that the condition is valid, yes, but there was no relief from the condition itself…

Until last year… when I decided to take the most important step of my life. It is this step that I want to share with you today. It is the joy that it brings me that I must let all of you be a part of…

I decided to undergo a Sex Reassignment Process, wherein my physical sex would be hormonally and surgically changed to Female. The process is already on. I have been on female hormones for about 7 months now, and by mid-2008, if all goes well, I shall have been surgically assigned my true gender.

This might be causing turmoil in the concerned minds of a few of you, yet if it is any help, let me tell you that I have thought about it for at least 20 years of my life. It is perhaps a new phenomenon for you, yet I have lived with it for my entire life, and I am more certain than I can ever be about anything, that this is the best decision of my life. I tell you this for I want to save your time and energy that you might decide to use in writing to me – "Think about it", "Try and change the way you think", "Happiness is always elusive" etc. Not that I don't understand the urge to do so and not that I'm assuming that you would do so, but a long history of personal experience has taught me that these are the most common first reactions. I just want to spare you the effort, because well, I have been through it :-).

You will see a name and an email id in the CC column above – please take that as my new identity and contact [those who use a nickname for me may please continue to do so :-)]. I must acknowledge here that I share the pain that a few of you might feel on my dropping the name I've lived for 25 years. I have always loved my name, however, a new name must accompany a new identity, because the old one, how much ever it is dear to me, will always be a reminder of that part of my past which was most painful…

Like I said, this mail is more about completing an inner circle for my own self. Not that I would know and hence, not that it would make a difference, yet I just want to say that if and when you tell others about me, the correct thing to say would be "You know, Gunraj was a girl", and not "You know, Gunraj is becoming a girl"… Yes, true I'm changing my physical sex, but truer, I was always always a girl…

You may see (and know) me, if you'd like to, on NDTV India on August 24, Friday at 8 pm [Repeat: August 25, Saturday at 2 pm] in a Talk Show called 'Salaam Zindagi'.

Before I close, I just want to say "Thank You" to all the special people who've stood with me throughout and supported me in every way possible to them – from my wonderful parents and family to my friends, colleagues, teachers, and even amazing strangers whom God helps me meet sometimes – all those who see me (or at least genuinely try to see me) as who I really am. I do know it's not easy for you yet, and that's why my heart goes out to you, for trying to make it easy for me.

A few of you – may choose to reject the whole idea behind this mail, and hence, me. However, in any case, now you know me better than you ever have. And that satisfaction is more than what I want :-)

All of you – may lead the happiest of lives!

with Love and Regards
for the 'last time'
Gunraj

P.S. I also request you to keep your eyes and hearts open for any children (or even adults) around you, who you feel might be going through a similar situation. It is not very common, I agree, but that's exactly why, it's so difficult for them to deal with it…