This Blog is for YOU...

If you are/were Gender Dysphoric - so as to know some from me and share some with me, and reaffirm that none of us is alone... To acknowledge that we have a treasure of insurmountable Courage, Strength and Hope in us. I have a feeling that we were given slightly higher quantities of those special gifts :-) [If you have a question to ask me, you could write it as a Comment to one of the posts, and either I would reply to it as a Comment itself, or probably, respond in one of the future posts on this blog]

If you have never been Gender Dysphoric - so as to understand what it means to have a Gender Identity Disorder. Of course, it primarily depends on whether you want to or not. If you don't, please do make a quiet exit and try not to be a nuisance.

If you're confused - so as to realize that everybody goes through a stage of confusion - the period could be short, or sometimes, very long. What is important is to acknowledge that being unsure until you're sure is as normal and as alright as night before day.


If you're a human being - so as to find out for yourself whether you want to try to make the world a better place to live in, for every fellow human being, irrespective of their health, wealth, colour, race, gender, religion and any and every other line of division you can think of.


And finally, this blog is for ME - so as to be able to make some difference somewhere by sharing my experiences, and along the way, slowly grow out of those anxieties and insecurities that have inhabited my life for over 2 decades. It is time to escort them to the door now!

Come, Join me on this journey!

Monday, October 20, 2008

The Amendment Day

Recap 1: Thus Began my Flight!

Recap 2: Hello Bangkok!

Recap 3: The Two Guys who had Everything in their Hands

Recap 4: The Last Mile

I was the first to wake up on October 19, 2007. Mamma and Bua had just about started to get up when I came out of the bath. And now, since there were several hours before the driver would come to transport us to the Hospital, I just spent time watching HBO. I was not supposed to have even water today. Not that I was thirsty anyway. In fact, secretly, I was happy with the forced dieting of these two days. At least, I’d lose some unnecessary fat that way. I didn’t think then that post October 19, I would be losing tremendous amounts of weight anyway.

We reached Piyavate Hospital by around 12 noon. After the paper-work, we were taken to the special room reserved for me by Dr. Chettawut. I couldn’t have asked or wished for better facilities and arrangements than what were available there. The nurses were extremely warm and helpful, and the room was the most comfortable with a wonderful view from the window. I was told the Hospital was amongst the best in Bangkok and the International Patients Wing, where we were, was state-of-the-art.

I changed into the hospital gown, and loved its soft liquidy touch on my body. I practiced on the button for switching on the microphone to call for the nurse. I repeatedly moved the back of the bed up and down with the touch of another button. I was enjoying myself and a smile was pasted on my face throughout! Mamma was smiling too, but I knew she was not enjoying herself. To her credit though, she didn’t let her worries eclipse my excitement.

The doctor was supposed to arrive by 2 pm, but he made me wait till 4. And then, when I was just about too bored of waiting, the door opened up and a few men and women from his team entered, made me lie down on the stretcher and took me away. I couldn’t talk to Mamma or Bua much. I just smiled at them while leaving and they smiled back. I think Mamma’s outstretched hand did wish for a moment to be able to stop all this and pull me back, but then, she got over herself and simply waved to me with that hand.

The Operation Theatre was terribly cold and I was shivering all the more because I had no energy thanks to the diet and I was dressed in a thin hospital gown. As I lay there waiting for the doctor, I was singing to myself…

The anesthesiologist came first. Dr. Veera, his name was. I told him that Veera means ‘brother’ in Punjabi and that I call my elder brother that. He smiled and said – “Oh, so I’m your brother!” And then, we were just having some insignificant unnecessary small talk until Dr. Chettawut finally arrived.

I never got to see him though. I just heard that he was coming and then Dr. Veera asked me to turn sideways. As he injected something in my back, I realized that I wanted to shake hands with Dr. Chettawut once. I saw a shadow walk past me and I knew it was him and I said to him – “Doctor please, can you shake hands with me?”…


Mamma was caressing my forehead. I couldn’t see her properly. I could feel somebody was standing right behind her, and figured it must be Bua. “Are you okay?”, Mamma was asking. I think I mumbled, “Surgery?” And she said, “It’s over. It’s all over. Everything’s fine.”

And before I fell unconscious again, I whispered, “I can’t believe it’s over”…


  1. love meet r u from > me jasmin lady boy fell like wome , i cant sleep can help me plz <<<<<
    give pho no plz > i want become women like you ???????

  2. Hi Jasmine! I know the way you feel because I have been there too. I’m really sorry, though that I cannot give you my number. However, if you have any questions regarding the whole transition process or any other related concern, I suggest that you first go through this blog completely [also read all the comments] and you might find that your questions have already been answered somewhere, but if you can’t find what you’re looking for, please feel free to write it out here, and I’ll do my best to address your worries.

    Always remember that your happiness is in YOUR hands. Never give that control to someone else or to your circumstances. All the best! Take care.

  3. hi gazal main ne app ko kafi scrap kiya hain main sub red kiaya hain app ka and mujhe malom hainke kitan barada or muskil safar app ne tay kiaya or apni manzil ko hasil kiaya mujhe app se serf ek bar bath karne hain i hope ke app mere se bath kar caho ge app ke bath se mere life main happynees ajye plz reply me soon

    that is my blog pay a visit please.

  5. Chetna - I paid your blog a visit. Your Hindi is fantastic! Unfortunately, I can't claim that for myself, which is why, I was not able to have a deep understanding of your verses. But any creation, I believe, should be more for one's own self than for anybody else. Do keep writing! All the best! Take care.

  6. Hi Gazal, lemme just say first that i m deeply touched by your journey into becoming yourself. I am a pre-operative woman from Delhi and am undergoing hormone replacement therapy from the past 4 months. Thankfully, i have been accepted by friends and colleagues as a woman and am working with a website as a writer. My question to you is about the selection of the doctor. I have been working from quite sometime and have accumulated some amount as well. But that does not sum upto (or will not sum upto what Dr. Chettawut is charging, by the time my surgery happens). I just request you to advice me some doctors if u can that do it in a 4-4.5 lacs. I did my research and found some doctors or facilities like - Preecha Aesthetic Institute, that do the surgery and stay within that bracket. Please let me know if you know of any other doctors who can be reled upon, as far as the surgery is concerned.

  7. hi Gazal...there are only some of your photos in the blog can u please add some more photos of u.........

  8. Tennispassion23 – Foremost of all, I’m really sorry for this really delayed reply. Anything I say would be just an excuse, so please just accept my apology.

    I’m happy to hear that you’re on the path to freedom already, and are finding supporters in friends and colleagues! :)

    About the doctors, unfortunately, I’m completely unaware of any doctors apart from Dr. Chettawut. He had been recommended by a friend I could completely trust, and so, I just went along with him. Sorry for not being able to help.

    I’ve heard that Dr. Chettawut has raised his fee quite a bit, which is really sad, but I guess that’s what people do with time. He was getting such a high influx of patients, but there are only 30 days in a month, so price would be his way to control that influx.

    Sorry once again for not being of any help. All the best with your search and with the rest of the journey! Keep the faith… and never let a day pass when you don’t say to yourself with all your heart – I love you! :)

    Anonymous – I’m sorry but I add photos only in context of selective posts.

  9. Namaste gazal didi, can you kindly tell me the total savings(in Indian rupees) i would have to make in order to undergo MtF SRS. You are inpiration for me. Thanking you in advance for your valuable information.


Civility check done? :-)