This Blog is for YOU...

If you are/were Gender Dysphoric - so as to know some from me and share some with me, and reaffirm that none of us is alone... To acknowledge that we have a treasure of insurmountable Courage, Strength and Hope in us. I have a feeling that we were given slightly higher quantities of those special gifts :-) [If you have a question to ask me, you could write it as a Comment to one of the posts, and either I would reply to it as a Comment itself, or probably, respond in one of the future posts on this blog]

If you have never been Gender Dysphoric - so as to understand what it means to have a Gender Identity Disorder. Of course, it primarily depends on whether you want to or not. If you don't, please do make a quiet exit and try not to be a nuisance.

If you're confused - so as to realize that everybody goes through a stage of confusion - the period could be short, or sometimes, very long. What is important is to acknowledge that being unsure until you're sure is as normal and as alright as night before day.


If you're a human being - so as to find out for yourself whether you want to try to make the world a better place to live in, for every fellow human being, irrespective of their health, wealth, colour, race, gender, religion and any and every other line of division you can think of.


And finally, this blog is for ME - so as to be able to make some difference somewhere by sharing my experiences, and along the way, slowly grow out of those anxieties and insecurities that have inhabited my life for over 2 decades. It is time to escort them to the door now!

Come, Join me on this journey!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Yours truly, The Possibility of Acceptance

[Note: This is especially for those friends of mine who I just finished The Landmark Course with. I really wanted to share myself with you all, but couldn’t because there was little time. Since you would need to know from the very beginning, I’ll do my best to make this easy to understand. If anything is unclear, you’re most welcome to ask questions in the comments section here. Also, if you look to the left of this post, you will see the link from where you can download the film I mentioned on the last day of the Course. It's a 20-min documentary about the issue that I am going to share with you in this post.]

[For other readers: I just attended a worldwide acclaimed course called The Landmark Forum. All I can say is that it is life-altering. I’m a new person today, thanks to this course, and I strongly recommend it to everybody. You may visit their website and take a look at what they do: . The present post is my coming out to my group-mates from the course.]

Who I am is the possibility of Acceptance and Fulfillment, not just for myself, but for the whole world. And for this possibility to be really alive, I have to start with myself and you. It is important for me that I share my past with you because it will only help you and others to widen your limits of acceptance and fulfillment with the whole world.

As you must know, among all the babies that come into this world, a few newborns’ bodies or minds are not fully developed or they’re born with certain ailments which nobody has any control on. For example, some babies have a hole in their hearts when they’re born, or might have a missing limb.

A similar but vastly different ailment is something that is called “Gender Identity Dysphoria.” It is a disorder recognized in medical books wherein a person’s mental gender is not the same as his or her physical gender. That is, a male child has inner feelings of a girl, while a female child identifies with the male gender instead. This is not by choice. This is a disorder that they’re born with and have to struggle with, all their lives if they don’t take a step to correct it. They’re known as transsexual people.

I… was a transsexual child. When I was born, I came in the body of a boy. But ever since I gained consciousness, my feelings were a girl’s feelings, and I always felt I should have been a girl. This created such complex problems that you can probably just imagine. I had to live a double life, a fake life to be able to look ‘normal’ to people. I had to present myself as a male in front of others even though every bit of it was an act. I was playing the role of a boy every single moment of my existence, and yet, I was not a great actor, because most people would see how effeminate I was and for a lot of them, it was just a matter of mockery.

So, I grew up living an unreal life, and faking my identity for 25 years. When I was 25, I finally took the decision that I did not want to live that way any more, and with the support of my priceless parents and family, I underwent a whole process of physical transformation from a male body to a female one. I also had a sex change surgery in Bangkok in 2007, post which I was certified to be a Female.

But somehow, the surgery never freed me the way I had thought it would. You know why? Because it had become a way of life for me to live an act, and I’ve been trapped inside that act. My ACT, by the way, is “Please accept me.” Just because I could never like my own self, I always went out of the way to please others so that they would like me and accept me. Even when I didn’t want to, my whole agenda was to please others and make them say how nice I was. Now, this Act did not leave me after the surgery because it was a way of life for me. I didn’t know any other way of being.

Not until I actually SAW my Act in the Advanced Course [thanks to all of you and especially, Sunitha, Pratiksha and Rahil], and had an absolute breakthrough. I’ve also consistently lived with a thought that people judge me every moment, which is why, I could never really BE with people. But the exercise where we just learnt to BE with each other was another revelation for me. I saw my Act so clearly and it hit me so hard that I broke down thinking how all my life, I had not given myself a chance to feel free and open.

The Advanced course was magical. I feel so free and child-like… it’s like living with no burden and absolute clarity. Honestly, I hadn’t accepted myself fully even after my surgery and physical transformation. Today, I thank you from the bottom of my heart… because the biggest thing I have realized and truly felt is that…

I am whole, complete and perfect. :-)

Now that you know my story briefly, you can take a look at the other posts in this blog (preferably start from the first one which will be at the end) and know me more, if you’d like to, of course. But I must urge you for something. Please broaden your horizons of acceptance. It is very easy and common to mock and reject those people who somewhere fall out of the boundaries of ‘normality’ (and I do not mean only transsexual people) – the normality that WE have created just for the sake of our comfort. We may laugh at those who seem ‘abnormal’ but believe me, the inner struggle they have to go through is massive anyway, without the world making it even tougher. All they need is acceptance and a sense of being loved, because in all probability, their self-worth and self-love is terribly low. Please learn to ACCEPT a person – even though you may not identify with or understand their way of being. I can actually expect this as my right from each one of you, because you have finished the Advanced Course. If there is any bunch of people in the world who can take on this request whole-heartedly, it is you. Let’s accept… ourselves and everybody else because like somebody said (not the exact words), “Show a little compassion to everybody you meet, because each one is undergoing a little struggle of their own.”