This Blog is for YOU...

If you are/were Gender Dysphoric - so as to know some from me and share some with me, and reaffirm that none of us is alone... To acknowledge that we have a treasure of insurmountable Courage, Strength and Hope in us. I have a feeling that we were given slightly higher quantities of those special gifts :-) [If you have a question to ask me, you could write it as a Comment to one of the posts, and either I would reply to it as a Comment itself, or probably, respond in one of the future posts on this blog]

If you have never been Gender Dysphoric - so as to understand what it means to have a Gender Identity Disorder. Of course, it primarily depends on whether you want to or not. If you don't, please do make a quiet exit and try not to be a nuisance.

If you're confused - so as to realize that everybody goes through a stage of confusion - the period could be short, or sometimes, very long. What is important is to acknowledge that being unsure until you're sure is as normal and as alright as night before day.


If you're a human being - so as to find out for yourself whether you want to try to make the world a better place to live in, for every fellow human being, irrespective of their health, wealth, colour, race, gender, religion and any and every other line of division you can think of.


And finally, this blog is for ME - so as to be able to make some difference somewhere by sharing my experiences, and along the way, slowly grow out of those anxieties and insecurities that have inhabited my life for over 2 decades. It is time to escort them to the door now!

Come, Join me on this journey!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Thus Began my Flight!

It seems like yesterday. Really. I can clearly see a very different ME sitting in a bus to Delhi before dawn, heading towards pain and relief at the same time. But today, when I sit to think and remember how much has happened since then, it seems almost unbelievable. I’ve changed in so many ways. I’m pretty sure that no other year in my life would ever bring about this amount of change in me. It’s almost like my life began on Oct 13 last year…

I had left for Delhi alone, on the 13th. Mamma and Bua were going to join me later, on the 15th. Over the entire stretch of the 13th and 14th, I underwent a total of almost 17 hours of electrolysis [a process in which each hair is removed by inserting a sort of a very thin needle into the pore of the skin and passing current through it] for my facial hair. The process tests not only your ability to bear pain, but is also an ideal test of your patience. One generally needs a large number of electrolysis sessions (easily running over a couple of a hundred hours) for the hairs to be removed permanently. This was my third session.

By 14th late night, my face, though terribly swollen and deeply crimson, was free of all hairs (for at least 2 weeks now). I was staying at MJ’s place that night but before heading there, I met N at the market near Priya Cinema, and I’m really thankful to God for having made it possible for us to meet that night. Even though my face was too numb to feel any more pain, the agony of the 17 hours behind me certainly got some balm on meeting one of my bestest friends. We also clarified the little misunderstandings that had been creeping up in our friendship for some time now, and I couldn’t have been happier to rid my heart of another burden.

I spent 15th morning at the parlour, trying to get the swelling off my face with the aid of some facials and massages. If they helped at all, I couldn’t notice :-), but yes, as is the case with almost every human being belonging to the fairer sex, the facial did do that little something to push up the happiness quotient within me!

And finally, in the evening, I got myself transported to the Indira Gandhi International Airport, where Mamma and Bua, who were travelling with me, had arrived already. And so had my other bestest friend Vee, with a rose and a little pretty Ganesha effigy, which incidentally, I had gifted him a long time ago. Trust me! It’s not unexpected, if it’s Vee! But it was heartfelt and a gesture that expressed the bond we shared. I can’t remember my conversation with him now, but yes, I do remember that he made me laugh a little more than usual, that evening. He was in his best form, maybe because he was truly happy for me, or maybe because he knew I’d be nervous…

I had tried to cover my nervousness in about 3 layers of clothes. These multiple layers had a singular purpose. Since I was travelling on Gunraj’s passport, the effects of the past 9 months of estrogen on my body obviously had to be covered up; and oh yeah, I also tied my hair in a pony tail! Alas! All that did not help…

Well, if I couldn’t convince myself that I was the same person who was peeping out of my Passport, how could anyone else?

Having waved to Vee to my heart’s content, as I proceeded to the Jet Airways counter, the lady checking my Passport there had her mind’s doubts clearly written all over her face. She did give us our boarding passes (albeit a bit hesitantly), but also made sure to mention that we could be interrogated ahead.

Thereafter, every Airport official’s eyes seemed to be screening me. Whether they thought I was a potential terrorist or something else, I do not know, but yes, in those moments of my knees going weak, it did help to repeat to myself that if I HAVE to explain to these people why I look different from that picture on my Passport, I WILL! Also, Bua was a constant support system. She went on reassuring me that we would manage. She told me clearly that we would first try to convince the officials by talking to them, but if they just didn’t seem to understand, then we would thrust the doctor’s recommendation letter in their faces. Nobody could stop us then!

With our game plan clear in our minds, we reached the Emigration section, where quite obviously, the news of my arrival had arrived before me! 5-6 officers got up from their respective cells and surrounded the three of us, each scanning the Passport and my face in turn, time and again. Utter confusion. They checked Mamma’s and Bua’s Passports. All well. Then, they checked mine again, perhaps hoping for ‘all’ to have magically become well here also. To their dismay, it hadn’t…

So, they started asking me questions and details about Gunraj, which I obviously knew. That seemed to confuse some more, while it certainly relieved a few too, one of whom was the only lady officer interrogating me. She took a close look at the Passport again and then whispered (quite audibly) to the others huddled around her – “Hai toh wahi, par Gay hai!” [It IS Gunraj, only Gunraj is Gay!”]

This seemed to satisfy all the inquisitors, and they trickled back to their own seats. Before the lady finally let us go, she asked me if I write my Sex as Female. This came as a bit of a surprise because we hadn’t even mentioned a Gender change. She clarified saying that on my Thai Visa, the column for Sex said ‘F’ and that is what had led to more confusion amongst the officers.

I was smiling. I completed all the formalities and walked on. I did not say to her, “Perhaps it was a mistake”. Because it was not a mistake. The Thai Embassy knew my purpose of travelling to Bangkok and they had been sensitive enough to acknowledge my rightful identity – the identity of my soul, regardless of my body. I was smiling.

Mamma, Bua and I got into the plane, took our seats and made a call to Papa. He had not been able to get his Passport till the last day, hence he was not coming with me. But I was aware that he would be with me in thought, throughout…

... throughout, on this journey of mine – towards Hope, towards Happiness, towards Freedom, towards Life…


  1. hiiii gazal i need to ask hw u manage to hv so feminine voice wt u did 4 it. do u also hv any FFS

  2. Hi Harsh! Well, I haven't done anything in particular with my voice, consciously. I've just been lucky to have it naturally. (It is possible though, and I feel it is so, that I subconsciously was working on my voice ever since adolescence without ever realizing it)

    However, I know of other transwomen who worked very hard on their voices and have perfectly convincing feminine voices today. You will have to dedicate hours of practice to it. Keep trying and trying and trying variations in your voice until you reach a scale and tone you think will work for you. And then, practise talking with that voice for 3-4 hours everyday. Gradually, increase that time to 6-8 and then 10-12 hours. When you have done it long enough, it should automatically become the voice you naturally talk in! Dedication and determination are the keys.

    However, apart from the tone, pitch etc, a very important part of your speech is the inflection. If you work on the way you speak and pronounce the words and make THAT more feminine, even if the tone and pitch is slightly bassy, the inflection would cover up for it. At least that is what I believe.

    No, I did not have any FFS. Personally, I believe one should let the hormones take effect for at least 3 years before one considers any cosmetic surgery, because for all you know, after those 3 years, you might feel completely comfortable and convinced with your appearance!

    All the best!

  3. Did you have same voice in college days or diferent.

  4. Anonymous - Almost the same, I think.

  5. i salute ur courage and spirit .may god bless u.u look much better than most of our andogenous heroines.and i found ur poetry very very sensitive touching straight the sanctum sanctorum of heart.n what to say ab ur voice ,its so naturally femme.u seem very cultured ,n overall a great human being.i too am a lyricist n writer for movies n i can say we are proud to have a person like u in our fold. u r as good as april ashley,harisu,r roberta close


  7. Anonymous2 - You're so generous in your appreciation! Thank you so very much! :)

    I think I can guess who you are, but I'll let the garb of anonymity prevail! Thanks once again. Take care.

  8. Anonymous3 - Thanks! :) I'm glad I made some difference in your opinion. Take care. All the best!

  9. just guess who i m ?may be i know u since long.i wrote some wonderful poetry for u .just to salute ur courage .if u like to read them pl mail me at


  11. hi gazal it me babal app kase hon mujhe app ke help cahye plz mujhe bhi apni awaz ko sundar karn hain ? main kaiy karo mujh ap se bath karne hain joo feling appn ne face ke hain mian une rastpy se gizare rahe hoon mujhe abb se personly bath karne hain main apni id lekh rahe hoo blueeyes_bb2003@yahoo

  12. Anonymous4 - You're mistaken.

    Anonymous5 - Well, how painful the SRS is, basically depends upon how skilled the surgeon is. My experience, post surgery in Bangkok, was that of mild discomfort, not too much pain. On a scale of 0 to 10, I would rate that pain at 3, which is not bad. And no, it is not true that transgirls can never attain sexual pleasure. A skilled surgeon can create very sensitive genitals, hence ensuring sexual pleasure.

    Babal - I'm really sorry lekin main aap se personally baat nahin kar sakti. Aap mere blog ko achhe se padhiye, sabhi comments ko achhe se padhiye, aapke bohot saare questions ke answers aapko wahaan se mil jaayenge. Par agar phir bhi koi question baaki ho, toh aap yahaan comment karke mujhse poochh lijiye. Lekin pehle saare comments aur saare blogs padhiye, kyunki aapke maximum questions ke answers already iss blog par honge.

  13. HI Ghazal I really appreciate your courage and go ahead with your desire come true, but how could u manage all long years, and one basic q?, you said u waited for almost 1 year with your harmone treatment, what sort of harmone treatment they give is it oral or injection shots and how long did you take them, when u try to buy them in medicine shops did no one asked you, and last how long did it take to grow the chest or its a surgery.

  14. Hi KBC, firstly, thanks for your encouraging comment.

    Well, I was able to manage those long years with the love and support of my family and some of my dearest friends.

    The hormone treatment was all oral. If you see a good endocrinologist, he/she would be able to guide you better. It used to be a little awkward to buy the medicines, but when one has a prescription, all one needs to do is hand it over at the medical shop. Some people used to stare, but what the hell? This whole process makes you immune to people's stares, and after a point, they don't even seem to stare. :)

    Breast augmentation happens slowly over 1-2 year.

    I hope I've answered your questions satisfactorily. Take care. All the best!

  15. gazal, i just stumbled onto your blog today. and just wanted to tell you, it is a beautiful blog. i am sure it helps a lot of people who are in a similar situation. to me it was more a story of you overcoming all odds, of coming out victorious! hope you are going on doing well. you give me courage to flip my life over!

  16. I wonder why everyone is pressing on the word "Transsexual". Now you are a girl and you should be referred to as one. And that goes for everyone.


Civility check done? :-)