A Dost Story

I have written a piece titled 'Facing the Mirror' for the latest issue of India's first magazine for sexual minorities. The magazine is called 'Bombay Dost', and the issue is now out. You can catch a glimpse of it at the link below, but the Preview has only one page of my article. To read the entire conversation, catch hold of a personal copy [The link also says where and how to get it].

Hope you enjoy reading it, and do give me your feedback! :)

Bombay Dost Preview

Happy New Year!

A year of plenty Firsts and many Lasts,
Painting the Futures and Wrapping the Pasts,
several Handshakes and some Goodbyes,
of Merry-making and Teary Eyes,
Flowing back to the Sea-side City,
Unravelling the secret - Life's so pretty!
Thank you 2009!
You were just fine! :)

Who am I?

i⋅den⋅ti⋅ty [ahy-den-ti-tee, i-den-]

- noun

1. the state or fact of remaining the same one or ones, as under varying aspects or conditions.

2. the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another.

[Source: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/identity]

The world is so populated with labels and tags today that in the effort of simplifying the concept of identity, many times, we end up meddling with it, and confusing ourselves as well as others around us. To take my own example, from considering the label ‘gay’ for a long time to ‘pre-op transsexual’ further on to ‘post-op transsexual’ and then ‘transwoman’, all I have been doing over years is to try and fit myself in. Fitting oneself somewhere becomes an urgent need for survival when every waking moment of the day, one faces the hard truth – that one does not belong. Especially for persons with Gender Dysphoria or Gender Identity Disorder (GID), groping with self-identity constitutes a considerable part of their laborious struggle, and this, for the simple reason that people who suffer from it, for all practical purposes, remain invisible because of the fear of societal pressures. Since it is harder to find others like you who you can identify with, it becomes that much tougher to discover the true self that you can identify with.

So, yesterday, at dinner, when my dear friend Jerry asked me – “Do you place yourself in the ‘T’ of the LGBT? Is that who you are?”, I fumbled before I could answer. This was exactly the question I had been posing to myself for a while now. I’ve been getting increasingly aware of the ineptitude of that label in defining me as a person. Unlike L, G and B, T does not stand for one’s sexual orientation. It stands for one’s Gender Identity.

trans⋅sex⋅u⋅al [trans-sek-shoo-uhl]

- noun

1. a person having a strong desire to assume the physical characteristics and gender role of the opposite sex.

2. a person who has undergone hormone treatment and surgery to attain the physical characteristics of the opposite sex.

[Source: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/transsexual]

The word ‘transsexual’, by definition, talks merely about a change of sex – whether pre or post. Now, sex change is a medical process I have been through to live a physically and mentally healthy life. But can that medical process be my identity? Or can the fact that I struggled with Gender Dysphoria for 25 years in the past, be my identity? A medical process or a medical condition, by virtue of itself, cannot be somebody’s identity. For instance, a life-saving cancer surgery doesn’t become an identity of the cancer patient. In fact, even ‘cancer patient’ is not an identity, because going by the definition of identity, it is the state or fact of remaining the same one or ones, as under varying aspects or conditions. Extrapolating the same in the case of the medical condition GID, neither the disorder, nor the cure of it can be the identity of a person.

There, of course, are people who consciously choose ‘Transgender’ as their gender identity because they identify themselves with the third gender (e.g. some of the members of India’s hijra community). Laxmi Narayan Tripathi says in my film ‘To be… ME’ that she wants an identity separate from the binary-gender system. While I would completely stand for the demand and choice of that identity for her and others who choose it, the question I needed to answer for myself was whether or not I bracket myself in the community ‘transgender’ for the simple reason that I underwent a physical transformation to align my anatomy with my psycho-emotional gender, which was always, Woman?

wom⋅an [woom-uhn]

- noun

1. the female human being (distinguished from MAN).

2. the nature, characteristics, or feelings often attributed to women; womanliness.

[Source: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/woman]

If there has been one condition of being oneself or itself, and not another in my entire life, it is the absolute clarity in the private language of my mind that I am a woman. I might have stumbled on the choice of words to express it, but never have I once been in doubt about it inside. ‘Woman’ is the one ‘label’ I don’t need to even identify with, because it is not something external to me, it IS the essence of my entire being.

Jerry and I had a long discussion over this, through which, it came to become totally clear to me that I am not the ‘T’ in the LGBT spectrum, for the simple reason that that is not my sexual or gender identity. I suffered from Gender Dysphoria and I corrected it through SRS. The whole point of correcting it was that I do find myself fitting into the binary-gender setup and feel no personal need for a third space. (That, I reiterate, doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in someone else’s right to claim that space)

If that is so, why then do I need to repeatedly speak about my journey in the media or other platforms? Who am I standing for if I do not belong to the ‘transgender’ community. Who I am speaking for are the people who suffer from Gender Identity Disorder. I, as a woman, have a past of Gender Dysphoria, and being someone who went through a sex change surgery to correct that, I speak out merely to be able to be visible so that any others who might be dealing with the same conflict can know that there is Hope, that there is Happiness – out there, and within. Going with the same analogy of cancer patients, it is just like a person cured from cancer were to speak about their journey of fighting with it and coming out healthy and happy.

To bring my blog in harmony with this clarity of my mind’s expression, I have made changes to my Blogger profile and also, the description of this blog above.

Identity, in some cases, is a matter of choice. For instance, I am a writer – is my identity too, and that I have chosen. On the other hand, some identities, one is born with. A human being, for instance. Gender falls in the latter category of identity. For non-Gender Dysphoric people, it is a non-issue, an identity taken for granted, because it so naturally fits into the apparent harmony of the world around. But for someone who has had expressed clarity missing on that most basic of identities, it can be a long torturous route to reach the place where I have reached today. But that said, each of the milestones on this route is significant too because it brings you that much closer to embracing yourself – with a sense of pride and love, worthy of yourself and your journey.

[Credits:

Photograph Copyright: Bombay Dost

Photographer: Paramita Nath

Hair styling: Bhavesh Karia

Post: Abhilash Augustine

Special thanks to: SM, NB, Vikram Phukan, Jerry Johnson]

To be... ME

If you have read about me, you would know that the turning point in my life came when I made a documentary on transsexuality, along with my friends. It is a 20-min documentary titled 'To be... ME' that we made in 2006. 'To be... ME' gave me the courage to go ahead with transition.

This film has been available for download on the left hand side links of this blog, right from the beginning. But now, thanks to a friend, it is also available on youtube. Here are the 3 links:

Part 1:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UX7LPP0_U9g

Part 2:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eqOdgF-BwE

Part 3:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gihsnbxWw7o

Hopefully, the film will continue to make a difference...

The Other Side

As I hastened to look presentable for a meeting this morning, running up and down from the bathroom to the closet and back, I involuntarily stopped upon noticing one of the front-page headlines of The Times of India lying hitherto unnoticed on the couch. It said – “EC gives transsexuals, eunuchs a distinct ID”. All else forgotten, I sat down and read the whole piece. And found myself face to face with the perennial question that anybody with a history of gender change has to confront, time and again.

So, the Election Commission of India has decided to give transsexuals and eunuchs an option of choosing “Others” as their gender instead of having to fit themselves in the archaic two-gender scenario. A welcome move, says the paper.

My initial reaction, to be frank, was – What the hell! Others? OTHERS?? Men, Women and those OTHERS! It sounded demeaning and exclusive. Through the day, however, I have come to think that it is probably a politically correct term for anybody and everybody who doesn’t identify with the ‘M’ and the ‘F’. Instead of calling it ‘The Third Gender’ or ‘Transsexual’ or ‘Eunuch’, ‘Others’ could be looked at as more of an umbrella term for all these.

My real worry, though, was something else. I wondered whether this new term would also be applied to, or forced upon people who have been through Sex Reassignment to actually fit themselves in the archaic two-gender system; which essentially, on a most personal level, boiled down to – What social identity are they going to give me, or if so be it, thrust upon me? A ‘Female’ or an ‘Other’? Are they going to consider the fact that I was always ‘Gender Dysphoric’, and hence, my mental gender always ‘Female’, not to forget, the present physical gender too? Or are they merely going to look at the technical aspects of my having been born a male child and choosing to forego that gender? Are they going to realize that I have been a woman all my life? Or would they snigger and hand me a piece of paper declaring that I need to go and stand in the ‘other’ queue? Is my gender going to be decided by who I declare myself to be? Or are they going to keep that power in their own hands?

Just to make my stand clear here, I acknowledge and respect an individual’s right to choose to not belong to either of the two mainstream genders, and hence, demand for a legal identity as the third gender. It is only fair that a human being be given the freedom to assert their own identity, and that there be a system to acknowledge that. But going by the same logic, a transsexual person or a eunuch must also be free to choose ‘Female’ or ‘Male’ as their gender if that’s who they are, surgery or no surgery. ‘Others’ should certainly be an option, not a compulsion.

Giving the Indian system its due credit, I have had very little, if any, trouble in getting my official identification documents altered as per my new physical gender. Driving license and Passport are through already, while PAN card is in the process of application. On a personal level, I have never felt a need for activism for any rights, because I haven’t felt that any rights are missing for me. I know of transpeople who are legally married in India, so clearly, marriage rights are not a problem either. All said and done, however taboo a sex change might be for the Indian society, at least the law doesn’t seem to have anything against it.

Which is why the EC move left me numb this morning. It was a feeling of helplessness, given by a fear that my right to choose my identity might be filched away. It is all fine and idealistic to think that whatever they do and say cannot affect my real self, but then, I cannot deny the feeling of unbridled joy when my surgeon gave me a certificate declaring me ‘Female’, nor the ecstasy of looking at my beautiful new Passport next to the old one stamped ‘Void’.

And so, I finished my meetings, rushed home and sat on the internet, looking for more information on the matter. And to my relief, what I gathered from the news stories was that ‘Others’ is a choice available to transpeople and eunuchs if they wish to use it, but ‘Male’ and ‘Female’ are just as much open as choices too! A couple of links:

http://netindian.in/news/2009/11/12/0004041/transsexuals-can-indicate-sex-other-electoral-rolls

http://sify.com/news/Eunuchs-to-indicate-their-gender-as-39-other-39-Election-Commission-news-jlmwEcfccgh.html


Yes yes, I agree with you, The Times of India. A welcome move, indeed!

Link to the CNN-IBN Show 'Y Not'

The CNN-IBN Link

http://ibnlive.in.com/videos/104352/10_2009/ynot3010_1/ynot-coming-out-of-the-closet.html


The youtube Link [Editing and upload, courtesy, my dear friend, Vikram]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7tVWM7ScBs

A Discussion on Sexuality! - Why Not?

For a long time now, an idea of a talk show based exclusively on sexuality has been brewing in my mind. A few months back, I started approaching news channels with a concept for such a show. Finally, after repeated attempts and efforts, CNN-IBN responded and said that for now, they would be willing to let me host a 10-minute chat on an episode of their existing show ‘Y Not’! I thought it over and decided that I would give it a try. After all, it was, at least, a beginning.

So, on the coming Friday, i.e. Oct 30, at 8:30 pm, you can catch me hosting this chat on CNN-IBN. I will be in discussion with a few other friends, a few of whom identify themselves with the sexual minorities and a few who don’t.

Do watch it! And spread the word around!

Birthday Musings

So, I’m Two! Again! How many people in the world get to be Two twice in the span of one lifetime? Not many, methinks! :)

But then, come to think of it, was I really ever Two before yesterday? I mean, prior to October 19 2007, it wasn’t ME – the person who I know as myself, today! You could say that I have lived two lives, but have I, really? Sometimes when I stop and look back at the 25 years of my life which preceded the last two years, it actually feels as though it was a totally different person who lived those years in my name, or NOT in my name, really. It was some other person who painfully, quietly carried me in the womb of their soul for all those years, going through the ignominy of bearing me for decades at a stretch, until one fine day, I was ready to step out, open my eyes to this beautiful world and revel in my own glory, with an innocence possible only to a newborn.

A dear friend asked me yesterday – So, do you still find yourself getting to know new things about the world and about yourself? Or 2 years is a long enough time for you to have known everything there is to know? I’ve been thinking since then. It’s been TWO years! 365 x 2 = 730 + 1 (for 2008, leap year) = 731 days! It’s amazing that even after 731 days, every new day that comes my way brings along new discoveries about myself, new tips from old friends, new levels of self-confidence, new ways of doing my hair, new beauty products I want to possess, new reasons to live, laugh and love the sheer joy of being… ME!

I have figured that my life is a gift… by someone who loved me more than anyone else ever did or would, someone who chose to die so that I could live… happily ever after! What I'm living today is a fairy tale – every colour is bright, every flower fresh, every note is melodic, and every dream real! Thank you, Gunraj! We were One, once! Today, we’re Two! Thank you!

---------------------------------------------------------

“Hi, I’m Two! Pleased to meet you!” :)

Questions from a Student of Gender Studies and My Answers

1) When did you come out to your family? Did they have any idea of what was going on with you before you came out?

I came out to my brother when I was maybe 11-12 years old. I told my parents about my condition (although I didn’t have any name for it then) at about 14, when I was in my 9th (or 8th) standard, I think. If they ever had a clue about it beforehand, they never let it be known. But I’m really glad that I was open and honest to them that early in my life. Not only did I feel relieved, but also, it was great that they got almost 12 years to prepare themselves for what was coming (although I must say that they were understanding and sensitive all along). I should say that over all those years, my parents and I lived through my condition together and we all came out successful at the end of it all! :-)


2) I've heard from transmen/transwomen that transitioning period has been the toughest period in their lives. How did you manage to speed past it?

Honestly, it never looked like I sped past it. It seemed excruciatingly long, but now that I look back, I realize that however long it might seem to me, I’ve been blessed to have had a shorter transition period than what is considered the average. I can’t put a clear reason to it, except perhaps a feeling of wellness that my family created around me, in the past one year when I was staying with them. That helps a lot, psychologically, and one’s body tends to reflect one’s state of mind. Makes sense? :-)


3) Did you have any issues with your day-to-day life esp. in terms of housing, job hunting, and dealing with people in common places etc?

The transitioning period was certainly very tough. One of the toughest, I’d say. Not THE toughest, may be. I think what makes it so tough is an irony. The fact is that people are noticing the little little changes in us and are reacting the way one expects the entity called ‘people’ to react generally, but we ourselves, on the other hand, never feel that the change is good enough. Desperation gets almost each one of us. It did get me too, and only my family can tell you how badly. I was actually so desperate that I went for my surgery within just 9 months of having started the hormones (not a great plan!) Even though we start transition with the knowledge that it is almost a 3-year project, or at least 2, we still count in days. It’s of course understandable, because the reactions from left, right and centre make us feel like a bigger freak than we might have ever felt. And it becomes the worst when one is staying all alone, so even after an emotionally strenuous day outside, when one comes home, there is only that one person in the mirror to talk to, and that person isn’t exactly in the physical and mental shape that you’d like them to be.

Job hunt was actually never an issue for me. I was always very comfortable at the place where I was working. It’s very important to be honest and open to one’s immediate circle. That matters the most. I had shared with my colleagues and my boss about what I was intending to do even before I started it. So, there was a supportive ambience and a lot of comfort – very important in that period. Also, being in the media field, I think people have a slightly wider perspective on the world than the general world, otherwise, or at least, they’re inclined towards showing that they do. In either case, what matters is that one feels comfortable, and that’s priceless! [There was a period of about 8-9 months around my surgery – before + after, when I was not working, but that was out of choice]

Coming to my residential setup, the place where I was putting up during my pre-surgery transition was very comfortable and peaceful. Finding it was not a problem, thanks to a dear friend who owned it. But there were some 20-odd boys (teenagers and full-grown adults; even a couple of kids) who would gang up around the entrance and do all kinds of histrionics when I left for work and came back home. A couple of times, they did some very scary stunts as well, but let’s let that be. If I were who I am today, I’d have certainly spoken it out with them, but who I was then was a bundle of nerves, sometimes reveling in exhilaration, but sometimes scared to death. With time, I just learnt to turn deaf in those couple of minutes when I was passing the entrance of the building each day.

Dealing with people in public places was alright. Not a cakewalk, but alright. It was never a comfortable feeling, but then I had had people staring, laughing and passing comments at me even pre-transition… For decades, actually. Yes, there was an added fear of lonely late night traveling, but thankfully, nothing horrible ever happened.


4) Post-transition, has there been a marked change/difference you see in the society who only know you as a woman? (A lot of transwomen validate the existing gender discrimination against women)

Oh, the change around me is incredible! It’s like one extreme to the other. Literally. So much so, that nowadays, sometimes, I find lesbian women hitting on me (which is quite flattering, really) :-). So yes, I get a lot of respect, attention, sometimes privileges on account of being a girl! Thankfully, I haven’t had to deal with any significant gender discrimination yet, and I somehow know that I won’t in future, as well. Yes, eve-teasing happens sometimes, but that’s a lot more in and around my tiny little hometown. Bombay is very comfortable even at midnight. Life is good! :-)


5) Any light-hearted/funny incidents that you experienced, that made you smirk/laugh? :)

Apart from the ones I have mentioned in the post below, something interesting happened recently. I won’t call it funny, but something that did make me laugh, out of joy.

I met this wonderful lady in a social group. We interacted quite a bit over a period of a few days, and on the last day, she told me that she had been evaluating me for the place of her daughter-in-law, and that she would be delighted if I met her son and we could like each other. I felt like somebody had put my heart on a soft warm pillow and caressed it with a lot of love. I hugged her and realized then that even though I was not going to consider this proposition, I owed her the truth. And then, I told her…

She was silent for a couple of minutes and then said, “Well, that doesn’t change what I said.” I was not surprised because somehow, I knew that she would say that, but I also WAS surprised, because under ordinary circumstances, nobody would expect her to say that. So, the part of me which is the society was amazed, but the part of me which is me simply laughed, hugged her again, and said, “Thank you!” :-)

It's Amusing...

[Note: I wrote this more than a year ago... before I started this blog. Just a few interesting observations :-)]

~ when the guy you shared the hostel room with (for 2 years) – the guy who also happens to be your best friend – finds it necessary to tell you, “You can’t go out wearing THAT! The neck is too damn low!”

~ when the random guy in the bus who, one year ago, would have trod upon you to find his way in the crazy chaos, bows most courteously; and just when you’re wondering if he’s upto ‘something’, you realize that he’s only lifting your bag to place it on the bag carrier.

~ to see that exceptional look of disbelief on the visage of a man who is known to have seen the world, been-there-done-that; and just as you notice him stealing a furtive glance at you, to realize that he hadn’t after all, seen it all… that you’re a new Wonder to him!

~ to get to know that your friend’s girlfriend who had been so fond of you, now gets worked up whenever he talks to her about you.

~ when your mother asks you to not show up in the drawing room, in front of the guests who’re in India looking for a tall beautiful bride for their NRI son… “What if they see you and get interested? How will I explain?”

~ when a girl you’ve been introduced to, just an hour ago, drives you to the restroom desperately and asks you to check for her if ‘it is all fine’, and you’re trying hard to NOT make a mistake in checking.

~ when an old flame tells you that he has checked your latest orkut pictures a zillion times… because well… “you look pretty”! ;-)

~ that the interiors of your house are just as they always were, that the locality hasn’t changed either, yet the new paint outside has brought out a new shade in every other house in the locality.

Yours truly, The Possibility of Acceptance

[Note: This is especially for those friends of mine who I just finished The Landmark Course with. I really wanted to share myself with you all, but couldn’t because there was little time. Since you would need to know from the very beginning, I’ll do my best to make this easy to understand. If anything is unclear, you’re most welcome to ask questions in the comments section here. Also, if you look to the left of this post, you will see the link from where you can download the film I mentioned on the last day of the Course. It's a 20-min documentary about the issue that I am going to share with you in this post.]

[For other readers: I just attended a worldwide acclaimed course called The Landmark Forum. All I can say is that it is life-altering. I’m a new person today, thanks to this course, and I strongly recommend it to everybody. You may visit their website and take a look at what they do: http://landmarkeducation.com . The present post is my coming out to my group-mates from the course.]


Who I am is the possibility of Acceptance and Fulfillment, not just for myself, but for the whole world. And for this possibility to be really alive, I have to start with myself and you. It is important for me that I share my past with you because it will only help you and others to widen your limits of acceptance and fulfillment with the whole world.

As you must know, among all the babies that come into this world, a few newborns’ bodies or minds are not fully developed or they’re born with certain ailments which nobody has any control on. For example, some babies have a hole in their hearts when they’re born, or might have a missing limb.

A similar but vastly different ailment is something that is called “Gender Identity Dysphoria.” It is a disorder recognized in medical books wherein a person’s mental gender is not the same as his or her physical gender. That is, a male child has inner feelings of a girl, while a female child identifies with the male gender instead. This is not by choice. This is a disorder that they’re born with and have to struggle with, all their lives if they don’t take a step to correct it. They’re known as transsexual people.

I… was a transsexual child. When I was born, I came in the body of a boy. But ever since I gained consciousness, my feelings were a girl’s feelings, and I always felt I should have been a girl. This created such complex problems that you can probably just imagine. I had to live a double life, a fake life to be able to look ‘normal’ to people. I had to present myself as a male in front of others even though every bit of it was an act. I was playing the role of a boy every single moment of my existence, and yet, I was not a great actor, because most people would see how effeminate I was and for a lot of them, it was just a matter of mockery.

So, I grew up living an unreal life, and faking my identity for 25 years. When I was 25, I finally took the decision that I did not want to live that way any more, and with the support of my priceless parents and family, I underwent a whole process of physical transformation from a male body to a female one. I also had a sex change surgery in Bangkok in 2007, post which I was certified to be a Female.

But somehow, the surgery never freed me the way I had thought it would. You know why? Because it had become a way of life for me to live an act, and I’ve been trapped inside that act. My ACT, by the way, is “Please accept me.” Just because I could never like my own self, I always went out of the way to please others so that they would like me and accept me. Even when I didn’t want to, my whole agenda was to please others and make them say how nice I was. Now, this Act did not leave me after the surgery because it was a way of life for me. I didn’t know any other way of being.

Not until I actually SAW my Act in the Advanced Course [thanks to all of you and especially, Sunitha, Pratiksha and Rahil], and had an absolute breakthrough. I’ve also consistently lived with a thought that people judge me every moment, which is why, I could never really BE with people. But the exercise where we just learnt to BE with each other was another revelation for me. I saw my Act so clearly and it hit me so hard that I broke down thinking how all my life, I had not given myself a chance to feel free and open.

The Advanced course was magical. I feel so free and child-like… it’s like living with no burden and absolute clarity. Honestly, I hadn’t accepted myself fully even after my surgery and physical transformation. Today, I thank you from the bottom of my heart… because the biggest thing I have realized and truly felt is that…

I am whole, complete and perfect. :-)

Now that you know my story briefly, you can take a look at the other posts in this blog (preferably start from the first one which will be at the end) and know me more, if you’d like to, of course. But I must urge you for something. Please broaden your horizons of acceptance. It is very easy and common to mock and reject those people who somewhere fall out of the boundaries of ‘normality’ (and I do not mean only transsexual people) – the normality that WE have created just for the sake of our comfort. We may laugh at those who seem ‘abnormal’ but believe me, the inner struggle they have to go through is massive anyway, without the world making it even tougher. All they need is acceptance and a sense of being loved, because in all probability, their self-worth and self-love is terribly low. Please learn to ACCEPT a person – even though you may not identify with or understand their way of being. I can actually expect this as my right from each one of you, because you have finished the Advanced Course. If there is any bunch of people in the world who can take on this request whole-heartedly, it is you. Let’s accept… ourselves and everybody else because like somebody said (not the exact words), “Show a little compassion to everybody you meet, because each one is undergoing a little struggle of their own.”

My Transition Train!

It is almost surreal when one fine day, you sit and write out the details of how you went about what once seemed like a mammoth excruciating never-ending task – Transition. It is also soothing when you look back and you realize that it has been three years worth of learning, three years worth of experiences, three years worth of knowing yourself and loving yourself, and three years worth of life…

So Anonymous, I owe you one… because until you popped the question about my transition timetable, I wouldn’t have thought of putting it out on my own. But now that you have made me stop and think, I have realized that it is high time I told myself that I’m done with the transition. Yes, the truth is that all this while, I had been thinking that I’m still transitioning.

But today is a new day. I have turned a new leaf. Today, I choose to acknowledge that I am on the other bank of the river called transition. Yes, my body and I will still keep changing in many beautiful ways but so does the body of everyone in the world. I may still need a few laser sessions but so do millions of women – genetic or trans – across the world. I may still need my hormone pills for many more beautiful changes, but what the hell? I will always need them. If they were to be a criterion for me to believe that I had finished the MTF transition, then I’d never finish it anyway :-).

So yes, people! I have finished Transition from one end of the gender spectrum to the other! It’s been a fascinating journey in more ways than one. In fact, this journey has taken me through an entire spectrum of emotions, letting me experience the clouds as well as the deep waters, and helping me to turn out to be a much fuller person than I ever was. And I don’t seem to have done too bad, eh? ;-)

Below, I give a map of how my physical journey went. Please note that this map, in no way, implies that what I did was the ideal way to do those things. Different people take different routes because what suits them and their circumstances is different, and that’s totally fair. So, don’t treat these details as a benchmark in any way. I made mistakes during my transition too, so just take a look at how mine went, but do devise your own timetable (or your own natural flow) as per your convenience, circumstances and of course, the professionals’ (doctors etc) advice.

My Transition Roadmap

May-June 2006

I underwent psychiatric evaluation.

I went to two different psychiatrists in Mumbai, and with both of them, it took me about 3 sittings (over a period of about a month) before they gave me a certificate of Gender Dysphoria and a recommendation of Sex Reassignment. It may not always be over in 3 sittings and just a month. For some people, the process is longer.

June 2006 – Jan 2007

I spent this time researching about other transpeople and about the various procedures and professionals whom I should consider. I also tried one laser session but the guy happened to be a quack (BEWARE of them when it comes to lasers!) who left me with severe burnt marks, and I decided to steer clear of lasers. But otherwise, this was a very important phase since the research helped me meet a lot of people who gave me substantial hope and courage needed to take the plunge. Even if you don’t spend half a year researching, do make sure that you have some kind of a sensible plan in your head when you take the first step into physical transition.

Feb 2007 onwards

I have been on hormones. Like someone else I know says, hormones are not magic pills. Don’t expect them to show you miracles. But they’re more like your mother’s care. They do beautiful things to you slowly, without you even noticing or acknowledging. They take their own sweet time but they know their job well. [Talking in terms of MTF transition] It starts with thinning and slowing of body hair growth, followed by your skin becoming suppler, the body developing the feminine curves (very slowly sometimes) and even your facial features becoming softer. I was surprised recently when someone who used to know me earlier saw me and said that the shape of my nose had changed. It has become sleek and beautiful, they said. I would have never imagined that the shape of my nose could change, but lo and behold! It has! :-)

July 2007 – Apr 2008

This is when I underwent electrolysis for facial hair removal – about 10 sessions and 120 hours of it. Now, the thing with electrolysis is that it is a very painful and painstakingly long procedure, but according to experts, it is the only permanent hair REMOVAL method as against laser which is a permanent hair REDUCTION method. So believing that, I went for electrolysis. But the complication that happened with me was that I realized a little later that electrolysis was leaving some marks on my skin, which were not fading away. When I consulted my dermatologist, she told me that my skin was of a hypersensitive variety and it was not taking to electrolysis well [Now, this is not the case usually with most people, just to let you know, lest you should panic]. And so, she suggested that I move to laser, which I did eventually, and that was a wise decision. [My advice on what one should ideally do, follows a little later]

Oct 19, 2007

I underwent the Sex Reassignment Surgery at Bangkok.

I actually went for it quite soon in my transition. I could have waited for another year, brought my facial hair to a more manageable level and then gone for it, which is what I would advise you to do. Do NOT rush into the surgery. I did not look passable when I went for the surgery, and it was in a way, a mistake, although it worked for me on some other personal levels, so I do not regret it. But the ideal scenario would be to go for surgery after about 1.5-2 years on hormones and when your facial hair is not much of a trouble anymore.

May 2008 onwards

I have been undergoing laser sessions for my face, and it has worked quite well. The trick with laser is to find the right people to do it for you (which is with almost any service in the world, actually, but this is critical since it is your face). I have had 9 laser sessions and my estimate is about 2-3 more to reach a stage where I would start needing only one laser session every 6 months or a year or so. And I am ready to settle with that need. But if you are someone who would rather choose to never undergo anything else for your face, then, I would advise you to start the facial hair removal with laser and bring it to a point where the hair is very thin. Thereafter, shift to electrolysis and get them totally out of the way!

Passability

Talking of when I started to look passable, well, the thing is that even when I was traveling for surgery, I was believed to be a girl at the airports etc, so for a lot of people, I was passable in about 9-10 months of having started my hormones. But we, being who we are, always tend to be over-critical of ourselves. So in my own opinion, the absolute absence of strange stares from people started happening around July-August 2008 [about 1.5 years since I started the hormones] and absence of strange stares from myself in the mirror started happening sometime around Feb-Mar 2009 [about 2 years since I started the hormones]. So there! :-)

My hair

I had started growing my hair ever since 2005 itself, but I was never made to feel uncomfortable because of that, since I was in a place like Bombay and I was studying and working in the media. Simply put, the hair was the least of my issues except for that it was falling a lot at one point in time, which the hormones helped me a lot with.

That, according to me, should address all the areas, as far as I can think right now. If, however, there are more questions in your mind, then they are, as always, welcome! :-)

Try to think of transition as an opportunity to bring a beautiful change in yourself, and hence, in the world around you. You’re blessed to be able to have this opportunity. It may be very hard, very many times, but trust me, at the end of it all, it’s all going to be more than worth it!

Happy Transitioning! Live it up! :-)

"So Long, Love!"

We live to love and we love to live. It’s impossible to imagine life without the exhilaration, the joy, the pain, the excitement, the complete spectrum of emotions that love takes us through. We all ache for it and we all wait for it, especially so, if we’ve spent a large part of our lives believing that we can’t find love, because we do not ‘fit in’ with the rest of the world, if somewhere, we’ve made ourselves believe that we’re not worthy of being loved. [I don’t speak for everybody here, but I do for many]

So, when the slightest of indications points out towards the possibility of love somewhere, we make a run for it, instantly believing that this is what we were always looking for. And who knows? It just might be. But who knows? It might not be.

I know I sound vague. I do, to myself too. Being somebody who has always had a clear perspective on what is right and what is not, for once, I have lost that perspective. And I am choosing to accept it here, because I think all of you out there, who seek to know something from this blog, must also know this part of me, since I believe that if you have really got something to learn from this space, you must get this another really important lesson from me too, even if it is at the cost of my privacy.

The wrong-est time to fall in love and to start a relationship is… when you are in the pits. When the sun has turned its back on you, when the doors have shut without a window being open anywhere, when there is no light at the end of the tunnel, that is not even close to being an ideal time to hold another’s hand. That, in fact, is the time to hold your own hand, face your demons on your own, find your courage, and emerge from the darkness alone.

Friendship, even companionship could be alright. But committing to a relationship may not be the best of ideas, because what you’re really seeking in that relationship is a balm for your current pain, not the love of your life. The love of your life might just come out of it, yes, but on the other hand, it may not, and you may realize it too late in the day that it was a mistake, and that would be not only unfair to you, but much more so to the other person, in case they’re too deeply involved as well.

A rough sea is an opportunity for us to learn to swim on our own. If we try to get on to a boat, it might be temporary relief, but what if the tide topples the boat and you’re left to fend for yourself again? Or what if you realize that this boat is not strong enough to beat the tide itself?

Only when you love Yourself in totality can you truly be in a position to give and receive true eternal love. And loving yourself in totality doesn’t mean loving your hair, your skin, your hands, your feet. It means accepting yourself for who you are within, to not be harsh on yourself for the mistakes you might have made or even those that others might have made, to be able to say to yourself that you’re a wonderful person and you love yourself. You will obviously have to make changes in yourself to be able to say that to yourself. Make those changes, keep trying, you might fall into the old patterns of depression and self-loathing sometimes, but keep trying, stay at it, and do it on your own. Don’t look for life-guards because they can’t guard you for life. Sooner or later, time will again bring you to a spot where you’ll have to face your demons all over again. So, face them now, and learn to love yourself… NOW!

Only a whole person, a person happy from within can find another whole happy person, because what we see and get in the universe is merely a reflection of our own selves.

Talking specifically in terms of transpeople, my advice would be to try and not venture into love and relationship during the transition period. I had read this somewhere myself, before my transition, but I forgot, and I have never cursed myself more for forgetting something.

Transition is a period of extreme emotional upheaval and most of the times, we can really not trust our own emotions (in terms of love), because let’s face it; the hormones introduce us to emotions that we have never known before. We’re going through them for the first time ever. We have no experience of them and we’re mentally and emotionally not strong enough and not prepared enough to check ourselves on the basis of logic. Transition is a highly emotionally charged phase of one’s life. Any spark of inclination or interest shown towards us, and our battered self-esteems rush to grab it without stopping to think of the consequences in the future. We tend to jump on to this one opportunity thinking that this is perfect without even giving it time to prove itself to be perfect. And a graver mistake in starting a relationship cannot be made, because with time, as you grow, if you realize that it wasn’t perfect, you’re down in the pits again – pits of guilt, helplessness, frustration, self-hatred and loneliness, all over again.

Yes, I know that it is easy to warn, but very difficult to follow this, but I would urge you to take my advice, because I have made every mistake that I ask you to beware of, and thanks to my mistakes, I’m still far from being the whole person that I had set out to be, besides being the cause of pain to another person who was caught unawares. So, friendship is a great idea, but don’t rush into anything more intense until you’re more stable emotionally...

Transition is an amazing opportunity for you to know yourself, to nourish yourself, to love yourself. Don’t wait or look for someone else to do it for you. Do it for your own self. Come out radiant and ready for the world, because once you know how to be your own lover, you won’t look for love because you NEED it. You’ll find love because it’ll BELONG to you.

Questions about a trip that ends with "Hello..."... "Life!"

1. Dr. Chettawut’s website (www. chet-plasticsurgery.com) says one needs to wire transfer (a way to send money internationally) 10% of the total surgery cost initially to block the date and the remaining has to be paid by the date of the surgery. Is it safe to do this wire transfer? And the rest of the amount – should it be carried along in cash?

From my experience with wire transfer, it is totally safe and reliable, if you choose a reputed bank to handle it for you, of course. I used ICICI and didn’t have much problem besides a slight hiccup when they rejected my form the first time and asked me to submit in written the reason for this transfer. After I did that, within a day (or two, perhaps) the transaction went through. You must keep a copy of the form/receipt/official confirmation from the bank’s side to email it to Dr. Chettawut, who is easily one of the most responsive doctors you will find, despite being more than fully occupied with making people come alive!

Coming to the second part of this money-and-life transaction, carrying the money in cash is an option as are a few others (explained on his website). My father and I, however, did not feel too comfortable with me carrying money worries along, that too, when it was probably the biggest amount we had ever spent in one go! The whole point of this trip was – to be free! And so, having faith, for no reason except faith, we had sent the rest of the money by wire transfer too (a few days before the surgery). And there were absolutely no hiccups this time! The integrity in Dr. Chettawut’s and his entire staff’s character is something I can personally vouch for…

2. What about food there? The person accompanying me is vegetarian while I am not. I don’t think either of us would be able to cook. What would you suggest?

Again, I’ll tell you what my mother, Bua and I did, and I guess you’ll be able to take a call for yourself. Firstly, Bangkok is only slightly more expensive than India is (okay, I can’t be sure about now, but going by the situation about 1.5 years back, it won’t burn your pocket), and you can easily find the most basic daily use stuff right next door to the Baan Siri Rama Hotel where most of the doctor’s patients stay (unless they’re 1st Class patients :-)). I mean, milk, yoghurt (in the widest range of flavours), bread, butter et al will be at an arm’s length from you.

And yes, we cooked – if you want to call putting Maggi noodles into boiling water, or placing sealed packs of MTR’s pre-cooked veggies into boiling water, or mixing Knorr soup powders with boiling water – cooking. Well, my mother and Bua, being expert cooks, did make dal and rice sometimes (and I have a faint memory of them preparing some vegetable on a one-off day), but that was not a regular thing. They took it easy, and I am so glad they did.

Being non-vegetarian, buying cooked food won’t be much of a struggle for you, although I am not sure how you would take to the flavour of their preparations. Give it a go, but considering that there would be a lot your body would be dealing with in any case, try not being too experimental. And as far as your companion is concerned, just make them believe that Maggi noodles, Knorr soups (or Maggi again) and MTR’s food items are amongst the choicest delicacies of the world… and you should be fine. :-)

3. How many clothes should I carry with myself?

Not too many. You will be in the hospital gown for 5 days of your stay. For the stay afterwards, you can keep a few (3-4) night gowns / loose skirts which you can keep getting laundered. It is not advisable to wear anything that is not roomy enough, since the posture you’d need to lay in, won’t endorse them. Keep a couple of dresses for your travel and one or two for the days before the surgery, if any.

4. My name was A (which is what my passport carries) but now, I have adopted the name B. What do I need to tell the doctor? Is there anything in particular that I need to take care of?

Since your passport bears ‘A’, you will have to travel both ways as ‘A’ and you must inform Dr. Chettawut to prepare all your documents (including letter for Visa application and Gender Change certificate) in the name of ‘A’. You can request him to not specify a social title (‘Mr’ or ‘Ms’) against the name if you so want.

Once you’re back from Bangkok, holding a priceless piece of paper that bestows you with the right to be officially recognized as a woman, you will go for the official name change and alterations in various documents (bank accounts, passport, voter ID, PAN card etc.) Everything, in due time! But right now, focus, just on the change that will effect this entire chain of changes… and brace yourself to meet LIFE!

5. How many days is the Thai VISA valid for?

Even though Thailand is one of the few countries in the world which allow you to get a Visa-on-Arrival, you will not be able to make use of this blessing because Visa-on-Arrival is given for merely 15 days, while you will need to be there for at least 3 weeks (I have this suspicion that this VISA has been crafted especially keeping in mind the bored men from across the world who wake up on a mundane morning to realize that one more day of that life and they would kill somebody… and hence, take the first flight to Bangkok to sprinkle their lives with a dash of ‘garam masala’ for a few days).

So, apply for a VISA to the Thai Embassy in India. It normally takes 3 working days to come through, and if I remember correctly, it is valid for over a month, which is more than good enough for you anyway.

I hope you have a safe journey, a pleasant trip and delightful baby steps thereafter! Take care… :-)

'O' Really!

I bet this would be a pertinent question in the minds of most transpeople who are yet to undergo their surgeries, as well as other curious folk around us. Interestingly, even though it was a concern for me prior to my transition, now, it seems as though orgasm is one of the least important things in this new life I’m living.

Sadly, because of the term ‘transsexual’ having the word ‘sex’ in it, a lot of people associate ‘transsexuality’ with merely the desire to sleep around as a person of the gender opposite to the one he/she was born with. I have often heard it being said, “Oh ‘he’ changed ‘his’ sex so that ‘he’ can sleep with men” in context of transwomen. Really, nothing could be farther from truth!

Sexual orientation and gender identity are two completely different things. Let me explain this with examples. Let’s say Ajay is a gay man who is in love with another man Eric. Now, Ajay is happy being a man and he identifies with the male gender, so his gender orientation is definitely ‘Male’ but at the same time, his sexual orientation is homosexual. On the other hand, we have Vineet who also loves Eric, but the difference here is that Vineet does not identify with his birth gender. He’d rather be living as a woman and be in a straight relationship with Eric. Hence, ‘his’ gender identity is ‘Female’ and considering that, ‘his’ sexual orientation is ‘heterosexual’. Ajay is a gay man, Vineet is a transwoman.

Sometimes, things can get more complex. There are people who are troubled on both the sides. Not only is their sexual orientation socially unacceptable, but so is their gender orientation. For instance, in the above scenario, Vineet, who is a transwoman, if she were to be attracted to girls, then she would be a lesbian transwoman. Now, you might ask – if she was attracted to women anyway, then why did she have to get her sex changed from Male to Female? But then again, you’re missing out on the important differentiating line. Her changing her sex is based on her gender identity, not her sexual orientation! In romantic relationships as a ‘male’, she could have been finding it difficult to relate with straight women. And besides that, gender identity is a much larger concept than just ‘who you are attracted to’.

The whole idea behind taking you through this entire explanation is to bring to light the fact that only a fool would CHANGE their sex just so that they could sleep around in a ‘heterosexual relationship’. The biggest thing for any transperson is GENDER, not SEX.

And now, coming to the question asked to me in one of the recent comments – “What about orgasm and sexual satisfaction post surgery?” Well, my answer won’t be based on first-hand experience, yet I can say with sufficient conviction that if you go to an experienced surgeon, you won’t have much to complain about. I have friends who went to the same surgeon as I did – Dr. Chettawut – and have experienced absolute consummation in their romantic relationships. I can certainly give testimony that the genitals my doctor has given me are very sensitive and I have no reason to doubt what my friends tell me.

But like I said right in the beginning, life has become so beautiful by itself that the O-word is close to the last thing on my mind. It’s like I’ve got the moon in my hand and somebody asks me – do you have a candle? Well, I think a candle is beautiful and I’d be delighted to have it too, but I am not incomplete without it… I have the moon!

A Few Questions and My Answers

1. What are the long term effects of SRS?

Well, the primary and most important long-term effect of SRS is Happiness – an absolute sense of freedom that can only be felt and experienced by the one who has been captivated within his/her own flesh for decades. Besides that, as far as my knowledge goes, there are no long term effects that are worthy of deciding to not undergo SRS if one IS Gender Dysphoric.

The hormonal drugs are known to affect the liver (very) mildly, but I look at it like this. Even if those drugs make my liver’s life and hence mine shorter by 5 years, at least as long as I am alive, I would be LIVING, instead of dying every second of my life.

But yes, SRS should be performed by an expert surgeon. I have heard of women who underwent surgery in local government hospitals and had to face problems like incontinence. The decision about the surgeon is critical. In my 1.5 years post SRS, I have not faced a single problem as far as my surgery is concerned.

Besides this, a good endocrinologist would be the best person to analyze and come to a conclusion as to what drugs can be administered to you, or if you have any other medical conditions that the drugs might complicate.

2. How long should a person continue hormones after SRS?

As per theory… forever. However, I have heard that several transwomen stop taking hormones 3-5 years post surgery and have no problems. But still, personally, I think one should carry on with the hormones at least till the age around which genetic women reach menopause.

3. Did you have any augmentation mammoplasty?

As of now, no. Many transwomen are able to get satisfactory breast growth with hormone replacement therapy (HRT). Those who don’t, might choose to go for artificial augmentation. However, it is advisable that one takes a call about mammoplasty after at least 3 years of HRT. It has been only 2 years since I started hormones.

4. What is the ideal age to start hormones? My brother (MTF) seems to be suffering from GID (Gender Identity Disorder). He is just 12. How can we help him?

I would have referred to your brother in the Female gender if he had already been diagnosed with GID. But apparently, that is not the case yet.

See, I would suggest – give him about 3-4 more years to figure out his self and his identity. Don’t try to push him on either side. Let his mind and his thoughts take their own course and inclination with time. If he and you feel he is Gender Dysphoric even after 3-4 years, then take him to 2-3 good psychiatrists and let them diagnose his problem independently.

If he is able to start his HRT before 16 years of age, the transition process would be much less taxing for him – both physically and emotionally, because till then, whatever signs of masculinity have started developing in his body would not be very deep-rooted and will be easily reversed with HRT in a short span of time, unlike later, when it would take much longer (minimum 2-3 years) for the hormones to have satisfactory results, or worse, even less-than-satisfactory results.

I highly appreciate your sensitivity towards your brother’s problem and your courage to face it and accept it. He is a lucky person unlike most other transpersons. Your support will mean a lot to him in the face of the hard life he is probably living. So, keep the strength – yours and his… and I’m positive that several years down the line, you’ll be proud of yourself. My Best Wishes to you, your brother and your family!

When I saw Dawn...

It was April 3rd, 2006 – just a day after “To be… ME” had been made ready to ‘come out’ to the world… along with ME!

Sometime in the afternoon, my cell phone beeped an SMS. It was to inform me that today was the birthday of a certain man, who had been very significant in my life in the past one month, so I called him up instantly. The restless man that he is, without even giving me sufficient time to wish him the best in life, he asked me where I was. And before I could begin to answer that, he informed me that I was going to The Oberoi's to have a cake with him!

And he was right! I was going to The Oberoi's after all… despite the fact that I was wearing virtually rags for clothes and some unmentionable Batas for footwear… and he was (is) at least a billionaire for sure. For our purposes, we’ll call him ‘A’!

I don’t remember much about The Oberoi's, I’m not someone who has an eye for architecture but I clearly remember feeling miniscule while entering it. I knew I didn’t belong there. Nor did I feel that I fit on the table of the man I was meeting, but there he was – with a genuine, warm smile spreading on his face, as soon as his eyes spotted me. It must have been then, that it crossed my mind that I had brought him no gift. But even if it had occurred to me sooner, I could have done nothing much to help myself. I was pretty much penniless.

He was in a business meeting with two other men. He left that table and we took another one a little distance away. He called for coffee (I didn’t like it one bit) and a chocolate pastry (I loved it) that we shared in the name of his birthday.

The coffee and cake, of course, came later. The conversation began much before that. Thanks to my recently developed grandma-ish memory (sigh!), I remember only the most important part of the conversation. And it had begun with – “So what’s your darkest desire?”

[Now that I think of it, I find it really funny. Darkest desire! I could have named a million and one to him, starting with something that had John Abraham and a lot of creative imagination in it!]

I had laughed and said – I don’t HAVE any dark desire. “Oh, come on!” – came the voice from the other side of the table – “Everyone has a dark desire. You have to tell me yours!” By any chance, if you happen to meet him, you will know what I mean when I say that if he needs something from you, he can really get after your life! And How!

But then, I am not less known for my obstinacy too! I didn’t budge from the lie – “I have no dark desires”. And then, he asked me THE question – “Have you ever loved someone?”

Finally, an easy question – “Yes”, I said.
“Do you want to marry him?”
“I don’t want to talk about it”
“See! That’s your darkest desire! The deepest! Lying inside the darkest cellar inside of you… Where you don’t allow even a whiff of light to peep in”
“ ”, I said.
“What’s stopping you? Why don’t you go ahead and be who you really are? Just why?”

I got no time to answer that. He was already punching his cell phone’s keypad, and within half a minute, he had fixed up a consultation appointment for me with a surgeon.

“I’ll pay for your entire SRS process. And then, you can direct a movie for me sometime. Fair deal?”

In that moment, on that day, in that year, in this lifetime, I couldn’t have asked for anything more than that. My roadblock had always been money, and it would have, for quite some time still. This man had changed it!

“So, transform into a pretty girl and marry the guy!”

[It would of course never be that simple, but it was this quality of this man that made him endearing – he made life look so simple. As if, everything is just a wish away!]

“I can’t marry him A. Come on! He has a family too. Even if I transform into a pretty girl and all that, it’s impossible. His family would never accept me!”

And then, he said golden words again…

“That’s HIS problem. Why’re you making it yours? You love the guy, if he loves you too, you get married. What his family thinks is not your problem. Don’t make it either!”

Even today, I try to keep the essence of what he meant etched in my mind and my day-to-day dealings with the world. If somebody has a problem with me… REALLY… it’s THEIR problem. It doesn’t work always, because it CAN’T work always, but I do give him credit for he made everything look so simple! Flawed, yet beautifully simple…

He was flawed too… Somewhere along the way, he withdrew from his ‘fair deal’, for reasons best known to him. By then, however, my parents had accepted my decision and they stood steady with me, even if it meant their bank balance being drained completely.

I feel incapable of putting in words what my parents have meant, and how much they have done for me, hence, I keep postponing it for future, for a time when I feel I just might be able to do a little fraction of justice to their love with my minor writing.

This piece, however, is to thank A – the man, who came into my life for a very short period of time, but who will always be remembered as the one who brought me LIFE… sooner than I would have imagined, or planned for myself!

That evening, when I came out of the Oberoi's, the sun was crimson. There were people strolling at the Marine Drive. I sat there for a while, a long while… feeling the breeze in my face and hair, saving that view in my memory for all times to come – the setting sun, the dusk, the skyline of Bombay, the Oberoi Hotel, the Marine Drive, every passerby – unaware witnesses of the Dawn in my life…

Questions from a pre-op MTF transperson and my Answers

1. Is it a good idea to start anti-androgens on my own, if my psychiatrist is not ready to give me the necessary certificate?
   
   NO! Please don’t! Try another psychiatrist, and then, another. Try at least three different ones or more, if you can, but don’t administer any un-prescribed drugs to yourself, however harmless they might be known to be. I know fully well how hopelessly desperate you must feel, but unless at least one psychiatrist has certified you Gender Dysphoric (and trust me, there are supportive psychiatrists out there), you might be playing with yourself if you start with anti-androgens or any other drugs for that matter. Take it easy, relax… Really, RELAX! Don’t try to hurry anything. [To make an honest confession, I did hurry a few things and am still paying the price for it] Let things happen at their own pace. After all, we want to live a happy AND healthy life. And most of the times, the former is impossible without the latter.
   
   
2. Any good psychiatrist in Mumbai?
   
   I have been to two – Dr. Y. A. Matcheswalla (Maseena Hospital, Byculla) and Dr. Sachin Patkar (Dadar). I can truly and sincerely vouch for Dr. Matcheswalla and his team. I must especially mention his (then) psychologist, Neeti, who conducted thorough and satisfactory tests on me and whose reports were not only well-detailed (and a good read, I must say) but were also fairly easy to understand and gave me an insight on myself. The other, Dr. Sachin Patkar and his team (which includes his wife whose name I forget, and gladly so), is your typical money-minting machine kind of a doctor. He tried to scare me away from the step I was contemplating, his team must have given me a total of 2 hours of time for which I was made to pay him Rs. 10,000/-, and worst, his reports were the shabbiest and absolutely indecipherable for me! Please let him be the last doctor you would want to consider, if you MUST consider him, that is!
   
   
3. (Unrelated to the purpose of this blog, but anyway…) I don’t want to do engineering. I’d rather be making films. What should I do?
   
   Please make films! And don’t do engineering. I spent 4 years doing it and 2 more years to realize that I was 6 years late for my dream career, besides having spoilt 1 deserving person’s chances to have got a seat in my engineering college. Of course, I don’t regret those 4 years because they gave me beautiful memories to carry for a lifetime, but since you are yet to MAKE your memories, you should rather make them while making films, and not software or machines or bridges :-). All the Best!

The Song of Life

Almost fifteen years ago, on the back cover of a little school notebook, I read a line which has stayed with me ever since. It gave me strength in the darkest of times. I hope it would do the same for everyone who reads it:

Had it not been for the rocks in its path, the stream would not sing.

... because I wasn't born Female

The unabridged version of my story which was published in 'The Week' in March, 2008


And if you just re-examined my picture to gauge how manly I do or don’t look, I won’t blame you. That’s expectedly the most natural, the most common reaction in a social setup, which inherently, even unknowingly advocates a rigid line of distinction between the two genders. Any occurrence of a blur on this line is generally either laughable or ignorable – two conditions, that no human existence would want to be in – under ‘normal’ circumstances.

My circumstances were not ‘normal’ – by the standards of this very setup. But why, you may ask, do I need to tell YOU about them? I’m certainly not a Great Somebody, not an achiever by any of our ‘standards’. So, what’s there in my story except a certain curiosity angle? Why, then, should I be written about?

Maybe, because there are thousands like me amongst you, who’re trying to be invisible, because that’s the only way to acceptability? Maybe, because there are thousands others, still suspended in a polygon of rights and wrongs, uncertain of whether it’s right to feel and want what every single person around them finds wrong? Maybe, because I want the social circle of those thousands to know about my family, friends and colleagues? Or maybe, just maybe, because I’m proud that I was able to survive twenty five years in an act with no ‘CUT’s – a role I didn’t choose for myself, yet lived day after day without any hope of the curtain falling.

‘Little’ Problems

Clothes were nice if they were my mother’s or my cousin sister’s, rather than mine; long hair were alright if my mother tied them into plaits instead of my father tying my head with a turban; games were fun as long as they were like ‘Teacher Teacher’ and not cricket, and even more so when the companions were girls and not boys.

I was often told that I was girlish; and my feeling, in reaction, was that of utter confusion. The condescending tone of those voices would upset me, invoke a feeling of guilt deep down inside; but somewhere even deeper, there was a flash of happiness at the acknowledgement of my true self. That happiness would then make me even guiltier, because I didn’t understand then, that it was alright to be happy.

One of my happy memories from childhood, by the way, is that of a small role in a school drama, wherein I got to play a girl character. All through the preparation, I was the most excited amongst all actors – forever ready to rehearse any number of times through the day. And then, while getting dressed in a pretty skirt on the morning of the final enactment, I asked my father whether I’d get the award for the Best Supporting Actress if my performance were good. No, he said, Best Supporting Actor! For long, I argued with him, trying with all my might to make him see that he was wrong… All in vain. I’d never win the argument. Reason and logic were both on his side. I only had a mess in my head.

A transsexual child is forever trapped in these multi-dimensional circles, knowing not how to be like the rest of the world, how to merge with the ‘norm’, how to evade the mocking laughter, the derogatory names, the taunting peers. There’s a sinking feeling tugging along, all the time – “I don’t fit in”… and worse, “I’ll never fit in”.

The Vague Clarity

Puberty is a tough time for everybody – the time when one tries to and gets to know oneself more, when sexuality becomes an important part of one’s being, and the mirror area becomes one of the most frequented in the house.

My mirror, however, stopped being my friend soon after thirteen. The school uniform added a compulsory turban to my head, and nature added relentless hair to my face. “It’s all wrong, wrong, WRONG” – I knew that, but remained laden with the guilt of Being that wrong myself, hoping tirelessly for a miracle each morning… “May be God would decide to listen to my prayers tonight, may be He would turn me into a girl tomorrow morning…”

Today, I know God had reasons to not work that miracle. But the teenaged Gunraj didn’t. (S)he knew but one thing – that the single question in her head, “Why me?”, would never be answered.

In that age of unanswered questions, I distinctly remember the day when I got goose flesh while watching a rather provocative music video of a male pop singer. And in the numerous sleepless nights that followed, it dawned on me for the first time with a sense of absoluteness, that I was different, and would always be. For years to come, I was to think how unfair it was of God to make me Gay.

The Balance

In all fairness, God didn’t leave me at the crossroads by many other worldly standards. Today, personally, I don’t value Academics too much, but through my growing up years, I was a “bright child”, a “good orator” and a “very disciplined student”. For me, though, my worth was in my singing, my writing and my Dramatics.

[Recently, when I came out to my ex-schoolmates and teachers, it felt strange to hear some things they said – “Gunraj, I used to think it so unfair that you had every enviable quality in you”, “It was like you were so perfect, you had nothing to worry about”, “I wouldn’t have imagined you as anything but a truly happy child”]

I give my family the entire credit for this balance, for who I was and am, especially for still having been able to retain a sane mind. My stress found an equal opposition in the love I constantly got from my parents, my extended family and later, my friends.

Initially, my parents admitted helplessness in comprehending how ‘a boy could feel like a girl’, yet they never gave up trying to understand, and never gave up on me. There were times when they’d ask me to try and “change the way you think”, but they’d also listen patiently to my yells and wails – “It’s not about the way I THINK, it’s about the way I AM”. “I don’t CHOOSE to be like this Papa, I was BORN this way”. “Why don’t YOU go and try live in the opposite gender? Then, you’ll know!”

I screamed, they listened. They found out that I used to speak at length over the phone to strangers – as a girl, they didn’t even come close to slapping me. I ran away from home before my Boards, they brought me back – and loved me even more. My brother, my sister, my relatives stood right with me through that darkest of times – my parents holding me tight when I was just an inch away from falling, from collapsing.

The Boys’ Hostel

And so, I managed the Boards, the Competitive exams and the admission to a reputed Engineering college. But that meant that I’d be staying in a hostel. That was a very scary thought; all the same, I knew I had to be up to the challenge. I couldn’t stay wrapped in the comfort of home, forever. “If I HAVE a life, I must make something of it”. Besides that, I’ve always had an innate faith in the goodness of the world, and that faith held my hand as I went on to spend four years of my life… in a Boys’ Hostel.

I was prepared to be an oddity there, ready for the remarks – “Always goes to the bathroom to change!”, “Speaks so effeminately!”, “Walk is so girly!” and much worse. I also knew that I’d be a source of entertainment for everybody out there. I wasn’t prepared, however, for the severe ragging which is common in engineering colleges.

Despite the unspeakable horrors of the first year, however, thankfully, I remember those four years simply as the most beautiful time of my life. In the cacophony of mocking voices and laughter, there were a few precious faces that became my friends – people who knew me, understood me, loved me for just the person I was. I’d never felt as light as that, before. I think it was in those years that I started realizing that it was alright to be happy.

I hadn’t ever been bad at studies, but my college life gave me the chance to truly explore my extra-curricular abilities and… freedom. I’d sing, I’d debate, I’d direct college plays, I’d watch late night movies, I’d go out on trips with friends, and I’d have so much fun that sometimes, I’d get scared of my own joy – What if all this turned out to be a dream?

The ‘Real World’

When the dream got over, I found myself gazing at a computer screen, sitting in the massive establishment of a software giant. A studio apartment, the company bus, the office desk and the office dormitory summed up my entire world. I was one of the 10% best employees among the 20,000+ work force. That should not be surprising… I had never objected to an average work day of eighteen hours – week after week, month after month – because at the very least, it kept me away from myself, and from the jeers which had turned from loud name-calling to whispers in the corporate world.

I don’t really know why, but I never attempted to make new friends there. Maybe, because the business environment had suddenly pulled the shutters down on my carefree days. It was hard to trust now. My fear of rejection kept me from accepting anybody new in my life. I desperately wanted to run away again, but day after day, I realized that the only thing to run away from was my own self.

There were times, however, when I couldn’t do that – days when the pangs of loneliness were so acute that I’d look for companions on gay websites. I’d also get myself to meet a one-off guy at times, but yet again, the same old gloom confronted me – “I don’t fit in”. They looked for a MAN in me, while my whole life had been about not being one. Gradually, I understood that Gender Dysphoria is not the same as being gay. While the causes of stress in both conditions might be similar to an extent, the conditions themselves are quite different.

A homosexual man, for instance, (and I’m not saying this categorically) might have no problem in wearing a formal shirt and tie to office every day, while that particular dressing rule of my company was one of the three main reasons I decided to quit! My place of posting being extremely peaceful and dull (for me), was the second. In those two endless years, the silences had started getting to me…

The Relief

The third reason was the most important – it was an attempt to ‘fit in’, at least somewhere.

At the risk of sounding clichéd, Bombay IS, after all, a city of dreams. I wasn’t aware when I arrived there that the deepest of my dreams would see life in Bombay, but the energy and pace of the city had me charged up in no time. The vigour of the college days was back, so were the college days themselves!

I was doing a one-year Diploma course in filmmaking – writing, shooting, directing AND making friends! Not only was I happy that I had made the right career choice, the excitement of filmmaking was also a sedative to the pain I could never completely learn to live with.

A year passed away in an instant, and it was time to choose subjects for our Final Documentary films (which had to be made in groups of six). I had no idea of how I would go about it, yet I proposed “Transsexuality” to the class – a subject, not welcomed by most. However, two friends who were aware of my condition raised their hands in support of the subject. It was one of the most ordinary days, but today as I look back, the moment when my friends raised their hands was perhaps the most important moment of my life.

Soon enough, three more friends joined in, and the group was complete! We now needed a title for the film, and what immediately came to my mind was – ‘To Be… or Not To Be’. It sounded perfect, and yet, that night, something inside me said – ‘This is not it’. This title represented my state of mind; it didn’t take me forward. And the next morning, I knew what the title had to be…

To Be… ME

I had never had any plans of coming out of my closet for the film, but as we met more and more transgendered people through our research, I realized that nobody wanted to. They all preferred invisibility.

The research was fruitless day after day, none of our contacts being ready to face the camera; but I was sure of one thing – we were not going to interview someone with their face hidden in shadows. This film HAD to be about light, about courage, about pride.

And then, somewhere along the way, I realized that I was being dishonest to myself. If I expected others to face the world, I couldn’t choose shadows for my own self. I realized that at the end of the day, I was not as scared of the world, as I was of myself. It was not about ‘them’, it was about ‘me’ all along. And it was time now to confront that fear; it was time to accept myself, to love myself, to celebrate myself.

Almost magically, the day I decided to face the camera, we started discovering others who were not only willing, but even excited to share their stories! In my heart, I knew it was God’s way to tell me that He supported my decision.

‘To Be… ME’ turned out to be the best film of the year, and my Coming Out brought sheer positive energy to my life, from both without and within.

I had been reading about Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) for many years now, but it was my first-hand research through the making of this film that reassured me that it was not only alright to be happy. It was my right to be happy.

Becoming… ME

“So, when are you going for it?” – That’s the first thing my father said, on seeing the film. And ever since that question, there’s been no looking back.

A year-and-a-half ago, I started my Gender Reassignment procedure, which will probably go on for another year or so. Frankly, this period of transformation is not one of the most convenient – socially, physically or emotionally. One has to pull out every thread of strength and will power from within; but looking at the positive side, it’s not that difficult when one knows that this WILL get over, that there IS bright sunlight beyond the dark.

During that stormy time, I luckily discovered a lighthouse – in the form of a Yahoo e-group for transsexuals (called Sampoorna - sampoorna@yahoogroups.com). I made wonderful friends there – men and women who had been caught in a game of hide-and-seek with their own selves – a few who had won the game and found out themselves, and others, who like me, were going to win soon.

I was also fortunate to find a job of a writer, assistant director particularly because the staff at my office is truly godsend. Not only did they do their best to understand my issues, they also went out of their way to ensure my comfort through this period of transition. My faith in the goodness of the world has only deepened in the last 20 months.

This period has been a time of Absolute Wonder! It’s magical to see my inner self slowly but surely taking its form in the mirror, amazing to notice the little changes big enough to make my day, thrilling to get compliments that I have always pined for, and musical to hear the taxi walla ask, “Madam, kahaan jaana hai?”

Bangkok and Beyond

On October 19, 2007, my male genitals were replaced by female genitalia, the surgery being called ‘Vaginoplasty’. The miracle-maker in my case was Dr. Chettawut of Bangkok (www.chet-plasticsurgery.com), who I came to know of through a friend from Sampoorna.

Thailand is a place renowned for Male-to-Female (MTF) SRS. In my three-week long stay under the excellent care of my doctor, I saw patients coming to him from different nationalities, races and ages. My nurse told me that the doctor undertakes 15-20 SRS patients every month. Considering that Dr. Chettawut is just one of the many SRS surgeons in Thailand (and the world), I was surprised by the number of people struggling with transsexuality across the globe.

Over there, it melted my heart to see a middle-aged woman accompanying her ‘husband’ for ‘his’ surgery. The ‘husband’ was a transsexual woman. I had read on the internet about such cases where a spouse turns into a companion/friend for a transsexual person, but to actually see such human beings was like witnessing the purest form of love – a love beyond all boundaries and ‘man-made’ definitions of relationships…

I really wanted to connect with all those other patients, but I wasn’t sure whether they’d welcome it. One is on an emotional roller coaster at such a time and may not want to know a stranger. But one fine day, somebody just walked up to me and we spoke as if we’d known each other for eternity. With her permission, I share with you…

C’s story

C S is a 65-year-old American (transsexual) woman, although she could easily pass for a very fit 50. Based in California, she’s an English teacher – a role she couldn’t help slipping into, even through our conversation!

Her childhood and youth had been clouded over by recurring phases of depression. In the era of 1940s and 50s, it was a horrifying thought to tell her family that she “felt like a girl”. This ‘girl’, however, made up for her inferiority complex by excelling above her peers in anything which required superior strength, endurance or sheer courage.

But when life became too heavy a burden to endure, she decided it was time to get rid of it. Thinking she’d die fighting for a cause her heart was in, she enrolled herself for the Vietnam War in 1968. But as God would have it, after two years in the battlefield, she came back unscathed except for a Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

It didn’t help that her very conformist family expected the man who was C to get married. She, however, couldn’t bring herself to lie to her would-be wife. C disclosed herself to her fiancée; and somehow, that made an emotional bond between the two. They were able to reach an understanding. C would be man for the rest of the world, but then the woman could get out of the closet whenever they chose. Often when the “husband and wife” went holidaying, they lived and frolicked as two best friends, two girl friends.

At home, C spent decades being a family MAN, even being a father, perhaps in the hope that her thoughts would go away with time; however, three years ago, at 62, she had to concede that her ‘thoughts’ were her life. And whatever time was left for her, she must live it as herself.

She moved from North Carolina to a more trans-friendly California, where she started letting herself blossom. She’d visit her family occasionally, but it was tough to pass as a man now, yet she had to, because her wife was wary of the neighbourhood, while her daughter didn’t know how and what to explain to C’s grandchildren, and hence refused to let C near her family.

Finally, she and I sat cross-legged across from each other, chatting like two teenage girls. I was in awe of C’s courage for having flown thousands of miles, all alone, to BECOME; and I couldn’t help thinking: No human being would ever CHOOSE to be ostracized by friends, family, and society, and then endure the months of recuperative pain that Gender Dysphoric people bring upon themselves, unless they absolutely HAVE to!

Later, I received an email from Ms. S, telling me that when her wife found out about the surgery, she forbade C from coming home for Christmas. Her daughter, however, wrote her a beautiful email, wishing her a happy and healthy life, and promising that when her children grew older, she’d definitely explain to them what C had been through, but meanwhile, she was unable to welcome C at her house. And then the new Ms. S added, “It’s so ironic that this is the saddest and yet the happiest time of my entire life!”

The Vivid Clarity

A certificate given to me by my surgeon identifies me now, as an “infertile female”. Both are strong words. For most, the first might be stronger; for me, it’s the second one. Being a mother, after all, is not just about the ability to give birth.

Being transsexual, also, is not just about LOOKING masculine or feminine. If we were not living in a world which so loves to categorize, demarcate and idealize, transsexuality would not have been a problem at all. Even now, it’s not the condition itself that’s a psychological problem, but the amount of social pressure and emotional stress it causes often leads many towards suicide.

The bottomline is that Gender Dysphoria needs a biological, a medical correction. An SRS is only as unnatural as a cancer surgery or any other surgery, for that matter.

The sooner a transsexual person can start their Gender Reassignment procedure, the easier is the transition, and better, the visible results. At times, I do find myself wishing I had started my transition soon after puberty. Not only would I have had to undergo fewer years of emotional and psychological distress, I would also be spared the physical pain and time of transitioning from a male body to a female one.

But at the same time, one must be mature enough to understand oneself and one’s priorities, and sometimes (not always), age is necessary for that maturity. For instance, if ‘infertile’ is the stronger word for you, or if you’re doing this for ANYBODY except YOURSELF, you must think again! I’ve heard of homosexuals who undergo SRS to be able to live a socially acceptable life with their partners, and then regret the decision, all their lives. When one has to make a decision, the keyword has to be – ME!

Being… ME!

I still have a lot of catching up to do! I badly need to get some humour, some spontaneity in my life; then, there’s an urgent need to catch up on shopping – clothes, shoes, ear-rings, makeup, and the list goes on.

But there’s this one thing I caught up with, recently and not many people do that – Life! It’s precious, it’s beautiful, and if you truly love it, it gives you wings! Tell me… how many people in the world know how it feels to grow wings!

I’ll leave you to the counting, with the closing line of our film –

“The question is not whether To Be… or Not To Be! The question is – Who decides my Being? A faceless entity called Society? Or ME, MYSELF!”