"So Long, Love!"

We live to love and we love to live. It’s impossible to imagine life without the exhilaration, the joy, the pain, the excitement, the complete spectrum of emotions that love takes us through. We all ache for it and we all wait for it, especially so, if we’ve spent a large part of our lives believing that we can’t find love, because we do not ‘fit in’ with the rest of the world, if somewhere, we’ve made ourselves believe that we’re not worthy of being loved. [I don’t speak for everybody here, but I do for many]

So, when the slightest of indications points out towards the possibility of love somewhere, we make a run for it, instantly believing that this is what we were always looking for. And who knows? It just might be. But who knows? It might not be.

I know I sound vague. I do, to myself too. Being somebody who has always had a clear perspective on what is right and what is not, for once, I have lost that perspective. And I am choosing to accept it here, because I think all of you out there, who seek to know something from this blog, must also know this part of me, since I believe that if you have really got something to learn from this space, you must get this another really important lesson from me too, even if it is at the cost of my privacy.

The wrong-est time to fall in love and to start a relationship is… when you are in the pits. When the sun has turned its back on you, when the doors have shut without a window being open anywhere, when there is no light at the end of the tunnel, that is not even close to being an ideal time to hold another’s hand. That, in fact, is the time to hold your own hand, face your demons on your own, find your courage, and emerge from the darkness alone.

Friendship, even companionship could be alright. But committing to a relationship may not be the best of ideas, because what you’re really seeking in that relationship is a balm for your current pain, not the love of your life. The love of your life might just come out of it, yes, but on the other hand, it may not, and you may realize it too late in the day that it was a mistake, and that would be not only unfair to you, but much more so to the other person, in case they’re too deeply involved as well.

A rough sea is an opportunity for us to learn to swim on our own. If we try to get on to a boat, it might be temporary relief, but what if the tide topples the boat and you’re left to fend for yourself again? Or what if you realize that this boat is not strong enough to beat the tide itself?

Only when you love Yourself in totality can you truly be in a position to give and receive true eternal love. And loving yourself in totality doesn’t mean loving your hair, your skin, your hands, your feet. It means accepting yourself for who you are within, to not be harsh on yourself for the mistakes you might have made or even those that others might have made, to be able to say to yourself that you’re a wonderful person and you love yourself. You will obviously have to make changes in yourself to be able to say that to yourself. Make those changes, keep trying, you might fall into the old patterns of depression and self-loathing sometimes, but keep trying, stay at it, and do it on your own. Don’t look for life-guards because they can’t guard you for life. Sooner or later, time will again bring you to a spot where you’ll have to face your demons all over again. So, face them now, and learn to love yourself… NOW!

Only a whole person, a person happy from within can find another whole happy person, because what we see and get in the universe is merely a reflection of our own selves.

Talking specifically in terms of transpeople, my advice would be to try and not venture into love and relationship during the transition period. I had read this somewhere myself, before my transition, but I forgot, and I have never cursed myself more for forgetting something.

Transition is a period of extreme emotional upheaval and most of the times, we can really not trust our own emotions (in terms of love), because let’s face it; the hormones introduce us to emotions that we have never known before. We’re going through them for the first time ever. We have no experience of them and we’re mentally and emotionally not strong enough and not prepared enough to check ourselves on the basis of logic. Transition is a highly emotionally charged phase of one’s life. Any spark of inclination or interest shown towards us, and our battered self-esteems rush to grab it without stopping to think of the consequences in the future. We tend to jump on to this one opportunity thinking that this is perfect without even giving it time to prove itself to be perfect. And a graver mistake in starting a relationship cannot be made, because with time, as you grow, if you realize that it wasn’t perfect, you’re down in the pits again – pits of guilt, helplessness, frustration, self-hatred and loneliness, all over again.

Yes, I know that it is easy to warn, but very difficult to follow this, but I would urge you to take my advice, because I have made every mistake that I ask you to beware of, and thanks to my mistakes, I’m still far from being the whole person that I had set out to be, besides being the cause of pain to another person who was caught unawares. So, friendship is a great idea, but don’t rush into anything more intense until you’re more stable emotionally...

Transition is an amazing opportunity for you to know yourself, to nourish yourself, to love yourself. Don’t wait or look for someone else to do it for you. Do it for your own self. Come out radiant and ready for the world, because once you know how to be your own lover, you won’t look for love because you NEED it. You’ll find love because it’ll BELONG to you.