This Blog is for YOU...

If you are/were Gender Dysphoric - so as to know some from me and share some with me, and reaffirm that none of us is alone... To acknowledge that we have a treasure of insurmountable Courage, Strength and Hope in us. I have a feeling that we were given slightly higher quantities of those special gifts :-) [If you have a question to ask me, you could write it as a Comment to one of the posts, and either I would reply to it as a Comment itself, or probably, respond in one of the future posts on this blog]

If you have never been Gender Dysphoric - so as to understand what it means to have a Gender Identity Disorder. Of course, it primarily depends on whether you want to or not. If you don't, please do make a quiet exit and try not to be a nuisance.

If you're confused - so as to realize that everybody goes through a stage of confusion - the period could be short, or sometimes, very long. What is important is to acknowledge that being unsure until you're sure is as normal and as alright as night before day.


If you're a human being - so as to find out for yourself whether you want to try to make the world a better place to live in, for every fellow human being, irrespective of their health, wealth, colour, race, gender, religion and any and every other line of division you can think of.


And finally, this blog is for ME - so as to be able to make some difference somewhere by sharing my experiences, and along the way, slowly grow out of those anxieties and insecurities that have inhabited my life for over 2 decades. It is time to escort them to the door now!

Come, Join me on this journey!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

A Little Voice...

Till I was about 4 years old, I used to think that my family – my father, mother, brother and I – were the only people in the world! It’s strange, I know. Chandigarh was never an island. I mean, I did see people in my extended family and around, but somehow, it never truly registered that they were as living and just as much human as we were.

And then, it all changed one day. Our family of four, seated on my father’s scooter (with me on my mother’s lap), was waiting for the light to go green at a crossing. As we waited and I looked around, I started to notice other men, women, and children in the women’s laps, just like me – waiting for the light to go green, just like us. It was at that moment that it struck me, and I said to my mother, “Mummy, do you know that we’re not the only people in the world?” My poor mother was clearly befuddled, then she shook her head in exasperation (“Children!” she must have thought) and said, “Of course we’re not! Who told you we’re the only people in the world?”

Do you know what is one of the scariest feelings ever? That “I am the ONLY ONE in the whole world”! It cannot get any lonelier when amongst all the people around, including your dearest ones, you cannot see even a single person who would be able to or would try to understand you, caress your forehead and tell you – “It’s alright child! You’re not abnormal; you’re just one of the many beautiful possibilities of human evolution.”

From the feeling that I’m the Only One in the Whole World who is like THIS, breeds the feeling of being wrong somewhere, of being guilty of not being able to be like every other child, besides being terribly lonely and helpless because there is just no way to ‘amend’ yourself.

It takes years, sometimes, decades of silent turmoil to realize that perhaps… just may be… I’m not the only one… I’m not wrong… I’m not abnormal.

I fought with myself for 17 years, until the first time I got to access the boon called the internet and know that there were millions others who were like me. Many of them had personally shared their experiences of the whole process of their coming to terms with themselves and finally going ahead with the pursuit of their true identity. The relief I got on reading them can never be expressed in words. They handed me something I had lost a long time ago, a weapon that thereafter, helped me fight not only the formless enemies inside me but also shield my precious self from the jeers of the world. They gave me… HOPE!

It is from all those people, whom I have never seen or met, that I learnt that Hope is the biggest gift you can give to someone, because Hope never comes alone. It comes along with Courage, it comes along with Happiness…

So, even if today, some of the dearest people in my life tell me that I shouldn’t get stuck with ‘transsexuality’ in my public life, that I should move on from it now that I’m post-operative and accepted and acknowledged as a girl… somehow, I tend to go back to the 17-year-old me, reading about somebody’s life on a computer screen in a cyber café and feeling an unbearable weight being lifted from my heart… and yet again, I believe that in this world of silence, every little voice of Hope matters.

I AM a lot of other things besides being a transperson (one of them being a girl), but yes, I am and will always be a transperson too! And perhaps, through this blog, besides being other things, that little voice of Hope too…


  1. Hi gazal u look very beutiful.
    My fem name is anita and i have this craving for wearing girls cloth from my childhood days. When i am alone at home i cant control my desire to wear a saree and use other female stuff like bangles, payals, bindi, lipstick etc. I wish to have a long hair like girls and my ear and nose pierced. I always like to be with girls but i know girls redicule the boy who live with them. I wish to get a chance for some days to wear a saree and live as a woman. Gazal u are very lucky.

  2. Hi Anita! Thanks for the compliment. And yes, I AM lucky... But besides that, I also feel that I dared to dream and I dared to believe that I could make them come true.

    All your wishes, dreams, desires CAN come true, if you BELIEVE that they will and if you're prepared to make them come true, against all odds! Remember, nobody in the world except you is responsible for your dreams. Only you are! And that is why, the power to make them come true also lies only in you!

    I hope you will find that power... All the Best! Take care...

  3. hi gazal how are u it me main hon ap mujhe babal kahe inshort kase hon app ap ne thek kah jub tak kud apny liye kuch karn nahe cahye gay jub tak humareye liye koi kuch nahe karsakta

  4. hi dear sweet cute gazal main app se ek bar serf ek dafa bath karna chtay honn mere id hain blueeyes_bb2003 plz contact me soon ap bath karney se main apni kuch karsako mera app se bath karna bhoth zarorey hai from babal

  5. hey gazal
    i saw u on TV today and that is how i got to know about your blog too.i am a mother of 7 months old and have a habit of writing in hindi.i heard you on TV and in turn went through some of your posts.
    a sense of guilt prevailed, with an urge of doing something about it. most of us come across with people who are transformed or are transperson but how many of us think of them beyond their sexuality! i admit ,i did not.but thanks to you that you changed the whole perspective for me.if i be of any help or use to you in this journey of hope,count me in already.and hey!! u r beautiful.

    that is my blog pay a visit please.

  7. hi.
    gazal ,
    i have seen u and u r really pretty. your eyes are really beautiful. N i m crazy about you. i am a 33 yrs old . i m unmarried and i am interreted in you if ur interested. i have a dream can u fulfill i wnt to see you in Saree with kajal ,payal ,bindi, choti( gajra laga huwa). ia m dying to see you in that. if u rinterested in relationship with me my email id is amit_pp a rediff mail .com

  8. hi.
    gazal ,
    i have seen u and u r really pretty. your eyes are really beautiful. N i m crazy about you. i am a 33 yrs old .i am a good looking guy. i m unmarried and i am interreted in you if ur interested. i have a dream can u fulfill i wnt to see you in Saree with kajal ,payal ,bindi, choti( gajra laga huwa). ia m dying to see you in that. if u rinterested in relationship with me my email id is sunitp33@ rediff mail .com .i lost my password thats why i am giving u new email id
    October 31, 2009 3:17 PM

  9. Chetna - I'm really glad that the show could make some difference in your life. It takes enlightened and mature people like you to have a more evolved view of life and society. Congratulations on being such a person! Thanks for your support! All the best to you too! Take care.

    Anonymous - Thanks for your compliments and your interest, but I'm sorry, I'm not interested. All the best!

  10. hi,
    gazal i m interested in you . and i like you . even i can marry to you . then whats your problem. plz tell me

  11. Hi Gazal

    I am 26 year old Pre-op MTF women on HRT from last 4 years.

    I recently went through your blog and it is so true that as time goes by we are tempted by the what ifs. I rejoice in your new found happiness.
    Your photos are stunning and the captions so fitting and I must really say that you have projected the real meaning of being a women rather than just sticking to the terms applied such as Transexual, Transwomen and so on..

    The information that you have posted here is very informative.

    I found that this blog is very helpful for all those Pre-op Indians who are planning to go for SRS.

    Very soon I am going for SRS to be.. Me
    To be, who really I am.

    While emerging from behind the mask of a life not truly mine, yet inadvertently one of my own design, I stood naked before the world, refreshed and unafraid. I was confronted with the truth of me, as only I knew it, while others could only look on with bemused wonderment, concern or disdain. After such a long journey possessing deeper understanding of myself, now I am going to be.. ME after all.

    Gazal, you are the most informative guide after all those experiences like a fountain of information and I guess that you has the ability to tailor your knowledge to any age or interest group.

    So any helpful advice is welcomed.

    As always, be happy, be safe, and think pretty :)


  12. Hi Nishi

    Thanks for the thumbs up! It feels nice when I get acknowledgement for the little difference I try to make through my blog, so, thank you very much for that.

    I hope and pray that you'd have a fabulous journey on the road to being... YOU! Just take the bumps and twists in your stride, and try to make the most of the cool breeze and warm sunshine! Have fun! :)

    Take care,

  13. Hi Gazal

    I need some info from you, I need to know on how do I go about changing my official documents i.e.. ID Card,Pan card, educational certificates, bank accounts etc..

    Just want to know the process involved.

    You can email me the details at:

    Also plz delete my email address from your blog once you got my message.

    Thanks : )


  14. Hi Nishi

    As you might know, I do not respond on personal email ids. I'll respond to your query here.

    Here is what you should do. Get a Passport application/change form and check out all the requirements for Name Change in that. You will need an Affidavit of Name change stamped by a Notary (or a Magistrate - I don't remember exactly, but the form will mention). Along with that, you need to declare in two different newspapers (one national and one local) that you have changed your name from so-and-so to say Nishi.

    The form doesn't clearly talk about Sex change, but keep exactly same documents as above ready for sex change, as well - i.e. an Affidavit and declarations in two different newspapers. Submit these, along with the surgeon's certificate declaring you to be 'Female'. You might/will have to do some explanation at the Passport Office, but don't let yourself be bothered by that. It's a one-time process. Just go through it and get it over with.

    For PAN card, I simply approached an agent, gave him my entire history, along with the above documents etc, and he got it done for me.

    I applied for a fresh Driving License instead of getting the old one changed. This is simpler, but in case of Passport, you cannot do it because they need to know your entire history. For DL, once you have another ID proof (like Passport or PAN card), you need to give them no other History proof. [But do check the rules in your own state. They could be different from Punjab, which is where I got my DL from]

    I haven't got my educational certificates changed and I do not see any need to.

    Every bank has its own formalities to be completed, for name and sex change. Just approach your Bank guys in confidentiality and ask them what to do. Ideally, the documents you have gotten ready above (the Affidavits and newspaper declarations) should suffice.

    I hope this information is of help. All the best!

  15. I love u ghazal .Will U Marry me

  16. I love U gazal Will u Marry me

  17. please post your new photos in chudidaarand in sarees.plz i want 2 see u. please gazal. plz
    i am desparetly waiting to see your new pictures

  18. Anonymous2 - No, thank you.

    Anonymous3 - I post photos only in context of some selective posts and not on request. Sorry!

  19. AApKO SAREE AUr bindi aur gajrein mein dekhna tha yeah humari choti si farmaish hai plz ek photo post kar dijiye na

  20. Ditto! I went through the same strange of emotions until internet came to my rescue when I was 20 or so. And ever since I had been baffled up until a few years back. I have successfully started my transitioning now.
    Congrats Gazal. I can understand and feel how much of a breather it is. I also believe a lot in Hope, and I truly believe that is what got me here. This trait is very much reflective in my posts. You can read them at gaysifamily.

  21. Anonymous4 - Sorry, I cannot.

    Rashmi - Thanks for your encouraging comment. However, could you please direct me to your blog, since I was not able to find it through your link. Take care. All the best!

  22. An expat so late bloomer about desi news. Very proud of you for finding your self and making way for countless and faceless out there. Will link your blog in future posts and just gbuzzed it.

    Desi Girl

  23. Hey Gazal,

    My name is Mehr. I'm your collegemate Tanuj Arora's wife. I heard about you from him and took the interest to read about you. Just wanted to say that you're very brave and I admire your spirit IMMENSELY! Checked out some of your pics and you're looking stunning to say the least! Really hope to meet you someday!

    Keep smiling always!

  24. Hi gazal i am anita. My desire to wear female clothes is incresing day by day. Yesterday also when family was out for few hours, i wore bhabhi's bra saree her make up and jwellary (magnet type) Coz my ear isnt pierced. I feel very bad because only for few hours i can wear all these things. at night mostly i sleep wearing bra of her. I also go out wearing bra inside my male clothes. Since childhood i have craving for long hairs. I dont want to wear wig i want my own long hair and wish to have my ears got pierced to wear those beautiful jwellary. My family is very conservative no one know about my this behaviour but my sister in law i think have doubt on me because she got her bra in my clothes drawer where i put it for sometime . My family mostlly dont go out so i gate rare chance to wear their clothes.

  25. Hi gazal kesi ho aur philhal kaha ho aur kya kar rahi ho. Har dusre tisre din me comment ki reply k lia tumhara blog dekhti hu lekin tumhara reply nahi hota. 1 month se bhi jyada time ho gaya lekin ab tak tumne reply nahi diya. Kya tum in dino bahot busy ho.

  26. Girlsguidetosurvival / Desi Girl – Thanks a lot for the encouragement! :)

    Mehr – Hey Mehr! It’s lovely to hear from you. Tanuj was one of the sweetest people I knew in college. And from what I see in his pictures, you’re a very beautiful girl yourself. I’d love to meet you both sometime too. Take care. And say Hi to Tanuj for me. :)

    Anita – Hi! I’m sorry I’ve been very busy, that’s why such a late reply. I understand the urge to dress up in the female attire completely. But if you want to keep it a secret, why don’t you just go to a store far away from your home and pick up a bra for yourself? That way, you don’t need to resort to your sister-in-law’s every now and then. Wish you all the best! Take care.

  27. Hi Gazal,

    Good 2 know that ur blog is up n running. Have gone thru ur journey scribbles......Incredibly put together. Doing a commendable job supporting everyone in their tribulations......that I lacked during my journey. Will write 2 u in due course.

    Regards n Take Care,

  28. my dear Gazal,I'm a dental surgeon from kerala.I read ur story in "THE WEEK" magazine in March 2008 and really cried with mixed emotions, when I came to know the pain u suffered and the relief you earned thru ur hard work.I wrote a translation of ur story in my local language (Malayalam) in my blog and so many people read that..
    Just now I came to know abt ur blog thru the this WEEK magazine and reading it now..Its wonderful and am so happy that ur encouraging words of hope gives new life to so many distressed people
    I bless u from my heart dear girl..
    Hope to see u some day..

  29. hii galaz, i am shruti from maharashtra. of course it is my female name and i am not come out yet ......i am 25 tears male i am doing crossdressing since i am in 8th standerd i dont know why bt i like it so i do it i feel ''KAAS MAI LADKI HOTI'' i feel that i am comfortable ingirls body bt i was small so i cant do any thing ...i am very orthodox family so no chance of tell my parents i waan be girl bt still not have dearing to tell parents.....u r so lucky that ur parents are so supportive ......fron point when i saw ur story i become ur fan.....can u give me som tips, do's and dont's anbt how to tell parents .....also i feel that you r idoll of all girls like me s i feel if ypo give your email to us so we can contact u directly and get some help from u.....thanks


Civility check done? :-)