This Blog is for YOU...

If you are/were Gender Dysphoric - so as to know some from me and share some with me, and reaffirm that none of us is alone... To acknowledge that we have a treasure of insurmountable Courage, Strength and Hope in us. I have a feeling that we were given slightly higher quantities of those special gifts :-) [If you have a question to ask me, you could write it as a Comment to one of the posts, and either I would reply to it as a Comment itself, or probably, respond in one of the future posts on this blog]

If you have never been Gender Dysphoric - so as to understand what it means to have a Gender Identity Disorder. Of course, it primarily depends on whether you want to or not. If you don't, please do make a quiet exit and try not to be a nuisance.

If you're confused - so as to realize that everybody goes through a stage of confusion - the period could be short, or sometimes, very long. What is important is to acknowledge that being unsure until you're sure is as normal and as alright as night before day.

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If you're a human being - so as to find out for yourself whether you want to try to make the world a better place to live in, for every fellow human being, irrespective of their health, wealth, colour, race, gender, religion and any and every other line of division you can think of.

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And finally, this blog is for ME - so as to be able to make some difference somewhere by sharing my experiences, and along the way, slowly grow out of those anxieties and insecurities that have inhabited my life for over 2 decades. It is time to escort them to the door now!

Come, Join me on this journey!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

"So Long, Love!"


We live to love and we love to live. It’s impossible to imagine life without the exhilaration, the joy, the pain, the excitement, the complete spectrum of emotions that love takes us through. We all ache for it and we all wait for it, especially so, if we’ve spent a large part of our lives believing that we can’t find love, because we do not ‘fit in’ with the rest of the world, if somewhere, we’ve made ourselves believe that we’re not worthy of being loved. [I don’t speak for everybody here, but I do for many]

So, when the slightest of indications points out towards the possibility of love somewhere, we make a run for it, instantly believing that this is what we were always looking for. And who knows? It just might be. But who knows? It might not be.

I know I sound vague. I do, to myself too. Being somebody who has always had a clear perspective on what is right and what is not, for once, I have lost that perspective. And I am choosing to accept it here, because I think all of you out there, who seek to know something from this blog, must also know this part of me, since I believe that if you have really got something to learn from this space, you must get this another really important lesson from me too, even if it is at the cost of my privacy.

The wrong-est time to fall in love and to start a relationship is… when you are in the pits. When the sun has turned its back on you, when the doors have shut without a window being open anywhere, when there is no light at the end of the tunnel, that is not even close to being an ideal time to hold another’s hand. That, in fact, is the time to hold your own hand, face your demons on your own, find your courage, and emerge from the darkness alone.

Friendship, even companionship could be alright. But committing to a relationship may not be the best of ideas, because what you’re really seeking in that relationship is a balm for your current pain, not the love of your life. The love of your life might just come out of it, yes, but on the other hand, it may not, and you may realize it too late in the day that it was a mistake, and that would be not only unfair to you, but much more so to the other person, in case they’re too deeply involved as well.

A rough sea is an opportunity for us to learn to swim on our own. If we try to get on to a boat, it might be temporary relief, but what if the tide topples the boat and you’re left to fend for yourself again? Or what if you realize that this boat is not strong enough to beat the tide itself?

Only when you love Yourself in totality can you truly be in a position to give and receive true eternal love. And loving yourself in totality doesn’t mean loving your hair, your skin, your hands, your feet. It means accepting yourself for who you are within, to not be harsh on yourself for the mistakes you might have made or even those that others might have made, to be able to say to yourself that you’re a wonderful person and you love yourself. You will obviously have to make changes in yourself to be able to say that to yourself. Make those changes, keep trying, you might fall into the old patterns of depression and self-loathing sometimes, but keep trying, stay at it, and do it on your own. Don’t look for life-guards because they can’t guard you for life. Sooner or later, time will again bring you to a spot where you’ll have to face your demons all over again. So, face them now, and learn to love yourself… NOW!

Only a whole person, a person happy from within can find another whole happy person, because what we see and get in the universe is merely a reflection of our own selves.

Talking specifically in terms of transpeople, my advice would be to try and not venture into love and relationship during the transition period. I had read this somewhere myself, before my transition, but I forgot, and I have never cursed myself more for forgetting something.

Transition is a period of extreme emotional upheaval and most of the times, we can really not trust our own emotions (in terms of love), because let’s face it; the hormones introduce us to emotions that we have never known before. We’re going through them for the first time ever. We have no experience of them and we’re mentally and emotionally not strong enough and not prepared enough to check ourselves on the basis of logic. Transition is a highly emotionally charged phase of one’s life. Any spark of inclination or interest shown towards us, and our battered self-esteems rush to grab it without stopping to think of the consequences in the future. We tend to jump on to this one opportunity thinking that this is perfect without even giving it time to prove itself to be perfect. And a graver mistake in starting a relationship cannot be made, because with time, as you grow, if you realize that it wasn’t perfect, you’re down in the pits again – pits of guilt, helplessness, frustration, self-hatred and loneliness, all over again.

Yes, I know that it is easy to warn, but very difficult to follow this, but I would urge you to take my advice, because I have made every mistake that I ask you to beware of, and thanks to my mistakes, I’m still far from being the whole person that I had set out to be, besides being the cause of pain to another person who was caught unawares. So, friendship is a great idea, but don’t rush into anything more intense until you’re more stable emotionally...

Transition is an amazing opportunity for you to know yourself, to nourish yourself, to love yourself. Don’t wait or look for someone else to do it for you. Do it for your own self. Come out radiant and ready for the world, because once you know how to be your own lover, you won’t look for love because you NEED it. You’ll find love because it’ll BELONG to you.

15 comments:

  1. gazal!!!!
    u are amazing!!! i love u dear.

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  2. it is serenely true that once u become aware of the nature of truth about being u dnt look for love but profoundly discover it absolutely belongs to u.life changing words for all whether gender-gifted or not.gazal how does financial implications of transition affected u.i mean change in career and money factor.ur family helpd u financially or u did all on ur own.plz reply

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  3. Anonymous - Thanks!

    Kajal - My change in career happened much before I started the transition, but in a way, being in the media industry helped during the transition... because people here tend to be a little more open, or at least tolerant of things that are a little less usual.

    As far as the finances go, I was extremely fortunate to have parents who supported me out and out, even though it wasn't easy money for them to shell out. Now, of course, with my career picking up, I can be in a position to return all that money hopefully soon, but nothing can really make up for what it did for me at that point in time!

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  4. its great to be in a position where family accepts u but sometimes they find it hard, nonetheless.i mean we lie in a position where we somehow develop deep insights into nature of life yet we cnt blame others for not reaching or seeing that persective.as regards me, my family didn't support me leaving my good carrer in software inspite of getting thru admission in reputed media school & r suggesting me to go for MBA as its more secure.not that they r mean but each story is just unique inspite of many similar tones.in long run how u sustain in bombay w/o much backing.plz shed some light.my best

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  5. Kajal - I'm sorry to hear about your family not supporting you. I hope and pray that they will come around soon.

    Initially, as I said, my father supported me partially to sustain myself in Bombay. Then, of course, I had moved to Chandigarh for a year where sustenance was not an issue. Now that I have moved back to Bombay, I'm in a position to sustain myself. So yes, in the days of need, it was my dear father who had come to the rescue...

    I know what you're thinking... And I thank God for it everyday... I'm truly blessed!

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  6. Hi Gazal.
    I am Jyoti, Brijesh Kalra's Fiancee(your classmate in Patiala).
    Today when I was talking with him, he told me about you and then I found this blog.
    I read your few posts and trust me every post has a diffrent meaning, something to learn.
    Every one dreams but few dare to fulfill it and those you fulfill it, they become HOPE for others....and I am sure you are and you will be hope for many, who might be juggling to find their own potential....keep it up & keep it going.

    And YES!!! I saw you NDTV interview and your poem is simply GREAT!!!! loved it..
    TC Gazal :o)
    Jyoti

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  7. Hi Jyoti!

    It's really nice to hear from you and to hear that you and Brijesh are engaged! My heartiest Congratulations!

    And thank you so much for all the lovely compliments! I wish you and Brijesh a beautiful and long life ahead! Say my Hi to him! Take care :-)

    love
    Gazal

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  8. dude its amazing...u changed my views towards transexual people..its not only me but my friends have also appreciated tht..thanks a lot..take care
    nikhil
    nikhil_bansal17@hotmail.com

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  9. Dude - It's really cool to hear that! You and your friends get a virtual pat on your backs from me :-)

    Take care!

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  10. "you won't look for love because you need it, you'll find live because it'll belong to you"
    - Beautiful!!! very very well said!!!

    you know. the first time I met you, I had this strange feeling - this nice, lovely feeling of floating in a sea of positivity (which i know, now, comes from being so comfortable with yourself and with others around you.
    Since, human nature is curious by default, my curiosity made me feel:

    naam tere ke aagey bhi,
    jaanoon tujhko, yeh hasrat hai,
    bin baat kiye aalam hai,
    baatein hongee, toh kya hoga

    then, we met for a second time and then a third, I couldn't say a word - just kept looking at your face - your honest, truthful eyes in particular, which made me feel like saying:

    Maasoom nigahon par apni,
    parda palkon ka rehne do,
    jab-jab jhaankengi chilman sey,
    koi mujh jaisa mar jaayega...

    i know what are you thinking now... but:

    khud bhi khud par hairaan hoo mai,
    bin jaane apna kahaa tumhe,
    yeh saazish teri kashish ki hai,
    paagal na mujhko kahiyega...

    though I would love to meet you again, but don't worry, am not asking for it... coz I know you won't entertain/appreciate the request. :-)

    but there is another request I have...
    these few lines I just wrote, are a part of a poem I wrote for you, and are on my blog (link mentioned). I would love to name it 'Gazal' but haven't as yet, coz I din know if it's ok to do so, without your knowledge.
    If possible, can you please visit my blog, read the entire poem (it's not very long), and let me know (either here, or as a comment to it there itself), if I can rename it after you. Currently, the entry is called "waiting to be named" and is the first entry on the page.

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  11. Known Stranger - I would be lying if I said that your comment is not intriguing, and it is so, mainly because you have said that we have met, not once or twice, but thrice or more than that.

    So yes, I'm intrigued, but just to have the air clear (which is important at all points in time), poetry and silent-cum-anonymous admiration, though great virtues according to many, are not something that impress ME enough to take a step further. So yes, you're right in thinking that as a consequence to your comment or poetry, I would not entertain a request to meet.

    As regards naming your post something, it is completely your own prerogative, Known Stranger. It is Your blog, Your post, Your poetry... What you name it is absolutely and totally Your own choice.

    Thanks for all the admiration. I wish you the very best always!

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  12. Gajal, why did you not pierce your nose. is it just because of fashion or something else.

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  13. Anonymous2 - It is a personal choice.

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  14. Hi Gazal you look nice in that saree.

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Civility check done? :-)