This Blog is for YOU...

If you are/were Gender Dysphoric - so as to know some from me and share some with me, and reaffirm that none of us is alone... To acknowledge that we have a treasure of insurmountable Courage, Strength and Hope in us. I have a feeling that we were given slightly higher quantities of those special gifts :-) [If you have a question to ask me, you could write it as a Comment to one of the posts, and either I would reply to it as a Comment itself, or probably, respond in one of the future posts on this blog]

If you have never been Gender Dysphoric - so as to understand what it means to have a Gender Identity Disorder. Of course, it primarily depends on whether you want to or not. If you don't, please do make a quiet exit and try not to be a nuisance.

If you're confused - so as to realize that everybody goes through a stage of confusion - the period could be short, or sometimes, very long. What is important is to acknowledge that being unsure until you're sure is as normal and as alright as night before day.

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If you're a human being - so as to find out for yourself whether you want to try to make the world a better place to live in, for every fellow human being, irrespective of their health, wealth, colour, race, gender, religion and any and every other line of division you can think of.

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And finally, this blog is for ME - so as to be able to make some difference somewhere by sharing my experiences, and along the way, slowly grow out of those anxieties and insecurities that have inhabited my life for over 2 decades. It is time to escort them to the door now!

Come, Join me on this journey!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

My Transition Train!


It is almost surreal when one fine day, you sit and write out the details of how you went about what once seemed like a mammoth excruciating never-ending task – Transition. It is also soothing when you look back and you realize that it has been three years worth of learning, three years worth of experiences, three years worth of knowing yourself and loving yourself, and three years worth of life…

So Anonymous, I owe you one… because until you popped the question about my transition timetable, I wouldn’t have thought of putting it out on my own. But now that you have made me stop and think, I have realized that it is high time I told myself that I’m done with the transition. Yes, the truth is that all this while, I had been thinking that I’m still transitioning.

But today is a new day. I have turned a new leaf. Today, I choose to acknowledge that I am on the other bank of the river called transition. Yes, my body and I will still keep changing in many beautiful ways but so does the body of everyone in the world. I may still need a few laser sessions but so do millions of women – genetic or trans – across the world. I may still need my hormone pills for many more beautiful changes, but what the hell? I will always need them. If they were to be a criterion for me to believe that I had finished the MTF transition, then I’d never finish it anyway :-).

So yes, people! I have finished Transition from one end of the gender spectrum to the other! It’s been a fascinating journey in more ways than one. In fact, this journey has taken me through an entire spectrum of emotions, letting me experience the clouds as well as the deep waters, and helping me to turn out to be a much fuller person than I ever was. And I don’t seem to have done too bad, eh? ;-)

Below, I give a map of how my physical journey went. Please note that this map, in no way, implies that what I did was the ideal way to do those things. Different people take different routes because what suits them and their circumstances is different, and that’s totally fair. So, don’t treat these details as a benchmark in any way. I made mistakes during my transition too, so just take a look at how mine went, but do devise your own timetable (or your own natural flow) as per your convenience, circumstances and of course, the professionals’ (doctors etc) advice.



My Transition Roadmap

May-June 2006

I underwent psychiatric evaluation.
I went to two different psychiatrists in Mumbai, and with both of them, it took me about 3 sittings (over a period of about a month) before they gave me a certificate of Gender Dysphoria and a recommendation of Sex Reassignment. It may not always be over in 3 sittings and just a month. For some people, the process is longer.

June 2006 – Jan 2007

I spent this time researching about other transpeople and about the various procedures and professionals whom I should consider. I also tried one laser session but the guy happened to be a quack (BEWARE of them when it comes to lasers!) who left me with severe burnt marks, and I decided to steer clear of lasers. But otherwise, this was a very important phase since the research helped me meet a lot of people who gave me substantial hope and courage needed to take the plunge. Even if you don’t spend half a year researching, do make sure that you have some kind of a sensible plan in your head when you take the first step into physical transition.

Feb 2007 onwards

I have been on hormones. Like someone else I know says, hormones are not magic pills. Don’t expect them to show you miracles. But they’re more like your mother’s care. They do beautiful things to you slowly, without you even noticing or acknowledging. They take their own sweet time but they know their job well. [Talking in terms of MTF transition] It starts with thinning and slowing of body hair growth, followed by your skin becoming suppler, the body developing the feminine curves (very slowly sometimes) and even your facial features becoming softer. I was surprised recently when someone who used to know me earlier saw me and said that the shape of my nose had changed. It has become sleek and beautiful, they said. I would have never imagined that the shape of my nose could change, but lo and behold! It has! :-)

July 2007 – Apr 2008

This is when I underwent electrolysis for facial hair removal – about 10 sessions and 120 hours of it. Now, the thing with electrolysis is that it is a very painful and painstakingly long procedure, but according to experts, it is the only permanent hair REMOVAL method as against laser which is a permanent hair REDUCTION method. So believing that, I went for electrolysis. But the complication that happened with me was that I realized a little later that electrolysis was leaving some marks on my skin, which were not fading away. When I consulted my dermatologist, she told me that my skin was of a hypersensitive variety and it was not taking to electrolysis well [Now, this is not the case usually with most people, just to let you know, lest you should panic]. And so, she suggested that I move to laser, which I did eventually, and that was a wise decision. [My advice on what one should ideally do, follows a little later]

Oct 19, 2007

I underwent the Sex Reassignment Surgery at Bangkok.
I actually went for it quite soon in my transition. I could have waited for another year, brought my facial hair to a more manageable level and then gone for it, which is what I would advise you to do. Do NOT rush into the surgery. I did not look passable when I went for the surgery, and it was in a way, a mistake, although it worked for me on some other personal levels, so I do not regret it. But the ideal scenario would be to go for surgery after about 1.5-2 years on hormones and when your facial hair is not much of a trouble anymore.

May 2008 onwards

I have been undergoing laser sessions for my face, and it has worked quite well.
The trick with laser is to find the right people to do it for you (which is with almost any service in the world, actually, but this is critical since it is your face). I have had 9 laser sessions and my estimate is about 2-3 more to reach a stage where I would start needing only one laser session every 6 months or a year or so. And I am ready to settle with that need. But if you are someone who would rather choose to never undergo anything else for your face, then, I would advise you to start the facial hair removal with laser and bring it to a point where the hair is very thin. Thereafter, shift to electrolysis and get them totally out of the way!

Passability

Talking of when I started to look passable, well, the thing is that even when I was traveling for surgery, I was believed to be a girl at the airports etc, so for a lot of people, I was passable in about 9-10 months of having started my hormones. But we, being who we are, always tend to be over-critical of ourselves. So in my own opinion, the absolute absence of strange stares from people started happening around July-August 2008 [about 1.5 years since I started the hormones] and absence of strange stares from myself in the mirror started happening sometime around Feb-Mar 2009 [about 2 years since I started the hormones]. So there! :-)

My hair

I had started growing my hair ever since 2005 itself, but I was never made to feel uncomfortable because of that, since I was in a place like Bombay and I was studying and working in the media. Simply put, the hair was the least of my issues except for that it was falling a lot at one point in time, which the hormones helped me a lot with.



That, according to me, should address all the areas, as far as I can think right now. If, however, there are more questions in your mind, then they are, as always, welcome! :-)

Try to think of transition as an opportunity to bring a beautiful change in yourself, and hence, in the world around you. You’re blessed to be able to have this opportunity. It may be very hard, very many times, but trust me, at the end of it all, it’s all going to be more than worth it!

Happy Transitioning! Live it up! :-)

110 comments:

  1. WOW!!!!
    what can i say about your beauty specially when u r in saree.u look awesome dear.u r most beautiful women i have ever seen.hope to be like u some day.i'm 17.feel like a girl.i'm from andhra pradesh

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  2. when are u getting married???
    aren't ur parents busy searching a groom for u??

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  3. i can't stop seeing u.

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  4. I think u must be one of few beautiful transgendered women in India. There must be many men trying to get you hand. I too wish to meet at least once if I can. Best wishes. I wish to view more people like u. Can u help in this? ok bye my mail id babusimran@yahoo.com

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  5. Anonymous1 - Thanks! And all the best for your journey! Just keep the faith and the hope alive... And trust me, it'll come true!

    Anonymous2 - I'm sorry but I do not entertain such questions in this space.

    Anonymous3 - Thanks!

    Babu - I'm sorry but I can help you in no way in this pursuit of yours. Thanks for your best wishes.

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    Replies
    1. Gazal mam which srs technique you opted for??
      Skin graft or colon transfer???
      How do you feel about it??

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  6. you would b more beautiful if u had a lots of bangles and mehandi and little bit darker bindi.

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  7. hi gazal
    how ru?
    ur soo beautiful.
    really i cant beleave this.i have a question in mind about voice change.ur voice is completely girlis,it becomes after surgery or before ?
    i also want to go for sex change but confused totally?i also talk to u earlier.
    take care my dear .i am having a wish to meet u.
    bye friend.

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  8. is it possible to lactate??? i'm 17 and i want to be a girl.i want to breast feed my adopted baby.

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  9. Attagal !!!! way to go !!! YOU ARE LOVELY ... GORGEOUS IN THE SAREE !!! I AMNOT ONE TO WRITE COMMENTS BUT MORE A SILENT ADMIRER HAVING FAILED TO MAKE THE GRADE WHEN I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT !!! I CHICKENED OUT WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE !!! AND LIVE TO REGRET IT !!! I EVEN STARTED THE FIRST NEWSLETTER FOR TGs !!! I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP ! I MIGHT STILL JOIN THE SISTERHOOD !!! Asha Kiran - Ray of Hope - aksharma48.yahoo.com

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  10. Anonymous4 - Thanks for the suggestions!

    Anonymous5 - I'm fine and thanks for the compliments! I hope you're doing well too...

    Regarding voice, I'll just say that I was fortunate to have the voice that I do [even though it was a reason for others to joke about me, earlier]. But I also know a few other women who have worked on their voices with a lot of dedication and hard work, and have absolutely feminine voices now. It needs for you to choose a certain pitch and tone for your voice and then, practise speaking in it for hours everyday. Start with one hour, gradually take it two, and then, four, and so on. Eventually, you would become so comfortable with this voice that it will become your authentic voice, and won't sound like a forced or practised voice. Try and read more about this over the internet, search for some videos on youtube too. I'm sure you'll find help at many quarters. As far as I know, the vocal chords surgery is not such a good idea, because it is not known to have many successful results.

    Just try to read as much as possible and introspect... That is the only way to get over the confusion and know what you really want to do. Talking to a good psychologist is also a good idea.

    I'm sorry but I will not be able to meet you. There is a space in one's personal life that one likes to maintain. If you have any questions, you can always ask me those here. Take care... and all the best!

    Anonymous6 - I'm afraid it is not possible to lactate. In fact, if you ever find a white fluid emanating from your breast when you're on hormones, you must go for a checkup because it is not normal and may be unhealthy.

    Asha - Thanks so much for your lovely comment! It is heartening to know that you have not given up the 'ray of hope'.

    As you might know, I made a friend in Bangkok who had come down from the US to get SRS done at 65 years of age! There is no doubt about the fact that it was tougher to take such a stand in one's life in 70s, 80s and 90s and even tougher before that, so please do not be harsh on yourself. My generation finds it much easier mostly thanks to the internet revolution [Thank God! Thank you, Internet!] But if you still feel an undying urge to go for transition and you feel that nothing can fill up the void, then probably, you should give it a serious thought. You might find it tougher to do it than me because of various factors, but at the end of the day, it's all about weighing what is more important - your happiness or those other factors.

    My Best wishes for whatever might be your choice! Take care

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  11. hay gazal,When i see you in the saree i have only one desire ek baar dekha hai laakho baar dekhane ki tamanna hai.you are the most beautiful girl in the universe in this saree.could you told me who teach you ,wearing the saree.

    I watch you first time on the NDTV at 2:30 pm.where you come in suit why can not you wear saree and on the net i found you first time on the malvika.blogpost.com when i see you on the net my desire to become the woman give new hope.

    when I see you always a question come in my mind when i could turn into a female as you.I have some question culd you answer these question to me-

    HOW YOU REACH ON THE NDTV SHOWS.

    how could you grow the breast(boobs) most feminine attractive part of a woman could you give the name of this medicine to grow the breat first.what size is your or what size i can got.

    second question is that kya gazal ko periads(mahina) hote hai kya mujhe bhi periads honge.

    can gazal be able to doing the sex as a female,can you doing this give your feealings.

    one more question can i give a birth a child either by sex or test tube.

    please give me answer i am in deep truble to become the woman.

    hey gazal can you post your more photo in the saree else you send me at my e-mail skyadav13@hotmail.com

    at this phase of life you are still miss or misseas of any one.

    hey gazal you are most beautiful why can not try in the bollywood to heroine . I assure all other actress of the bollywood jealious you all the ladies want to become as you.

    i know you become the little hope to other and give the answer of my question as soon as possibale-Shalini

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  12. Hii Gazal !! How r u ??


    I m a BIG fan of u.

    U r soooo Beautiful .

    I have ur videos of NDTV Salam Zindgi on You Tube.

    GAZAL U LOOKS GREAT . I also heard u'r voice .. ur poem on Salam Zindgi.U'r voice is sooooo SWEET. I also loves ur poems.

    Gazal me too feels Girl inside.



    My Best Wishes for u .....

    Bye

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  13. gazal!!!
    GOD blessed you with 2 unique features.
    1) your voice
    2) your feminine face

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  14. I have one extremely private question.
    Don't answer me if you are not comfortable.Infact, just delete my comment. I am just curious. I know I'll be asking for a bit too much than I should. So, Sorry:). But anyway, let me put up that question
    How was your sex life before transition?
    If by any chance it offends you, then my apologies!

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  15. Shalini – Hi! Do forgive me for the delay in responding to your questions. And thanks for all the compliments! Here go my answers one by one, in the order of your questions…

    The NDTV show happened to be through this friend of mine who worked at NDTV.

    Breasts grow with hormones, but I’m sorry, I won’t be able to give you the name of the pills, because you must consult a doctor for that.

    Transwomen do not have cycles because we do not have the female reproductive system. Our body changes externally, but there is no technology yet to give us a reproductive system, as well.

    After a MTF transition, one is completely a woman (except for the menstruation and reproduction parts). Having sex is as normal as for any other girl. Yes, we have our anxieties and concerns initially, but I’m sure they go away with time.

    I answered the birthing baby question already – No, you can’t.

    I’m sorry but I cannot share my personal pictures on your email id, also I’ll put up my pictures here only when I feel there is a need to, in some context.

    My marital status does not matter Shalini.

    I hope I have answered all your questions. May you find the courage and determination to find your true self… All the best!


    Anonymous6 – Hi! I’m very well, thanks. I hope you’re well too! Thanks for your generous compliments! My best wishes for your side of the journey too! May you find yourself, your peace and your happiness! Take care…

    Anonymous7 – Yes, They did! And I breathe thanks to them every moment :-)

    Anonymous8 – It surely IS a very private question, but I could still consider answering it if it were in the context of what we discuss here. If you could elaborate on how it makes a difference to you and why it is so important for you to know about it, I could mull over it. Right now, I can’t see your reasons. I’m sorry.

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  16. Ghazal-Hi!I asked your photo because i want to make a winamp skin for you of your photo and send to you.I am made many winamp skin by itself,now I am become expert.if you provide your e-mail I send you but if you feel uncomfortable please forgive me.if you feel I am also hurt you so please delete my all post.THANKS...

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  17. Ghazal, you know what I like most about you? You are a genuine woman and a lady in the true sense of the word. I have seen so many post-op transsexuals, and most of them try to show their new found feminity with a vengeance (low cut dresses, outrageous statements etc), but you have a dignity about you, and you emit an aura of feminity that needs no embellishments. Bless you, and I hope you have a very happy life.

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  18. hi gazal you are da most beautiful woman i have ever seen your voice is feminine i just want to know about how your family treats you now?

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  19. ther are many successful tramswomen like kalki tista did u meet them

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  20. Shalini – Hi! It’s really very sweet of you to want to make a winamp skin for me :-). However, I’m not much into these virtual skin - kind of things. All the same, thanks for your sweet offer. And NO, you haven’t hurt me by any means. Don’t fret over it, okay? Take care dear.

    Anonymous9 – Oh thanks so much for being so generous in your compliments. I’m really touched. I am who I am because of a lot of factors in my life, and that is how it is, with other transwomen. I, personally, do not compare myself with anybody because each one of us has had their own journeys of life and everybody has their own set of reasons and learnings behind them, that has made them the person they are, in and out. So, right and wrong is nothing. Everything and everyone is valid! :-) That said, I’ll still say it does feel nice to receive compliments, and I thank you deeply for sharing your view of me with me. May God bless you too, and I hope you have a brilliant life! :-)

    Sneha – Thanks thanks! :-) My family are a bunch of sweethearts and I am their sweetheart. They treat me with all of the best emotions in the world – love, respect, and acceptance, and what we have created together is a lot of joy and fulfillment. I feel truly blessed to be born into the family I have.

    Well, I haven’t met Tista or Kalki. But I have interacted with them over email etc. Tista – I used to call up and talk to sometimes, before my transition. They’re both lovely people and very committed to changing the public opinion about transpeople in their own ways. More power to them!

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  21. Gazal-Hi!Why you think dear you are not a thing of winamp skin while you are creating a milestone for other.you are a icon for other.you are real fighter who war for not only own but for other.You are not a little hope You are A BIG...............................................
    HOPE.
    So dear think bigger.Bada hai toh behater hai-Big is Better.OK

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  22. Shalini - Thanks once again for making me feel special :-) and for your winamp offer too, but it's just that I'm not a very techno person and a winamp skin doesn't interest me.

    Take care... and All the Best!

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  23. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  24. silent lucidity - I'm sorry to hear about your trouble, but as a principle, I do not share my personal number or email id. I write this blog so that I can answer questions or be able to help out someone, as much as possible, but after a point, everybody needs their privacy. You can always share your problem with me here anonymously, and I can suggest solutions to the best of my ability.

    May you have strength and courage to see yourself through. Take care... And please, since you KNOW that you're not a loser (and I know that too), don't even mention the word 'suicide' again - ever! All the Best!

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  25. This might be a tough/private question to answer... But nevertheless would go a long way in quelling the fears of ppl in similar situation

    During your pre-transition days, esp. during your teenage years - there would have been a big urge to dress up as a girl in stealth. Did you ever manage to do that?
    And if you did do that, then the results on the mirror might have disheartened you (for most teen transgenders it drives them to despair and ultimately make them live with the "mistake" they were born with.) Could you share your personal stories on that and how you overcame it to actually go for transition not worried about the passability?

    Thanks a ton !

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  26. m juxx 18 mujhe samjh nahi aa raha kya karu yaar m all alone n ghar se bhi bhagne wali hu main i need transn my family will never support me they r poor n society nerro kinda pplz i hate thm i dunn wanna live like this anymore :' ( m beautiful n i proud of tht ek baar transnn hone do phir will do modellin out of india pplz r too much supportive if u hv talent but yaha mujhe koi nhi dekh raha m fuckd up :' ( yaar whts wrong in this m not a criminal :' ( mera dimag ghum gaya hai i cry daily all the time inside juxx coz i cant pretent anymore i knw u need privacy but yaar m not gonna harm u na u knw i evn cant study :' ( m done with skulzz n coll bhi join nahi kiya coz 1st i need trasisn yaar i dunn wanna loose this time anymore i think aapko meri baatein stupid or pagalo jaisi lag rahi hogi but kya karu yaar .......... :' ( bas 2 months more phir will go in mtv roadies hope they will choose me thr n sayad kuch ho jaye future ka .......... evrybdy needs sumthing sumthing iss nanhi si jaannnnnn ki help koi nahi karna chahta : '( y me yaar bachpan se lekar aajtak i adujsted alot but now i cant i dunn wanna adjust in this stuff :' ( hope my word neva hurt yn1 bye take care enjoy ur life ........ will manage anyhow kuch bhi karke i will do my dream cum true .... toodles !! n remember plz for humanity thr is'nt any principal :' (

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  27. sorry if u soundzz rude in any way :( m feeling quite :' ( coz of u jab aap apni life apne acc wish jee sakte ho toh mian kyu nahi yaar :' ( ........ n never loose hope till death i dunn care abt world i hv proud of my beauty n brain ..... !! sorry it the above comment hurt u :( cholly gazal di m not rude e'z juxx my mind is tottly fuckd up sowwy again n again luv ya hope will contact u soon i need to be your friend plz meet me on yahoo soon i cant post my cell number here sow juxx meet me on yahoo princezz_barbie2000@yahoo.com hope ull be there !! god bless u n me both ... sayonara !! :' (

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  28. yaar i have lil time n aapka blog follow karke aapke baat karne it will take lodza time n not like this othr chixx yaar keep on runnin fast dunn wann any break in my life :' ( god knws kab tab hum zinda hai i wanna enjoy evry moment yaar ........ plz contact me soon i will wait on yahoo msn hope it will never break yo privacy if u dunn wanna use yo personal id thn plz use a new one agar aapko nahi aata toh i will make one yahoo id for u hope u dont mind take care again lodzaa love......... :D \m/

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  29. Silent lucidity – I can understand your frustration and helplessness. I have been there. There was a time when I was 18 years old too, and the world seemed to be impossible to live in. But guess what? I lived on, with a faith deep in my heart, that someday, I WOULD be who I am. There was nobody I could ask for guidance or help, nobody I could share anything with, yet I did not give up and did not download my frustration on unknown people in the world.

    By chatting with you, there is nothing extra that I can do or say, that I can’t say here on this blog. Even there, I would say this: If your family is not financially sound, and you’re sure that you want to live as a girl, the only option is to stand on your own feet first. Nobody but you can help yourself. I know you’re desperate for your real identity but if you lay down conditions like – I want transition first and THEN, I’ll think of what to do with my life, then you may not get anywhere. You must continue your studies and concentrate on your career [or do something constructive that will help you become independent]. It will also help you distract your mind from depression. See, you seem to have a mission in life, but where is your drive? Those who have a real mission are always working towards it with passion. Blaming others or even God, for that matter, will get you nowhere. It got ME nowhere, until I decided that 'I' have to change my world. Remember, silent lucidity, I can’t come and change your world for you. I wouldn’t, even if I could. You have been given this journey because you have to undergo this test and prove yourself victorious. Ask yourself, do you have it in you to work towards your goal with passion and come out victorious, even if it takes a few years? You’ve lived 18 years like this, and I know that is a lot, but don’t give up now. Work hard, promise to yourself and set a deadline – say, by 23, you want to have saved a couple of lakhs to get on with the journey. Really, once you have a mission, you should plan it out to ensure that you win!

    I’ll pray that your ‘Roadies’ plan works for you. But even if it doesn’t, don’t lose heart, and certainly, not hope. Also, try and read this book called ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne.

    One last thing. Try and respect yourself and also, other people in the world. Your life is hard, I acknowledge that, but that, in no way, means that other people don’t have their own hardships to deal with. Respect yourself for facing the ordeal that you are facing so bravely, but at the same time, try and learn to respect others as well. Do not blame anybody for what you’re going through, because they’re not responsible for it. Remember, nobody in the world is responsible for helping you. You and only you are. And trust me, only you CAN.

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  30. Anonymous10 – Yes, I often used to dress up in stealth, right from early teenage till the time I transitioned [with a break of a couple of years here and there, depending on the place where I resided].

    Sometimes, it used to get tough and embarrassing to buy female clothes for myself, but then, it was too important for me to give it up, and I, somehow, braved the shopkeepers’ and other customers’ weird looks to shop for whatever I felt like.

    About getting disheartened on coming face to face with the mirror, see, I knew I looked androgynous everytime I dressed up and looked at myself in the mirror, but then, it was not like I thought THIS is how I’m going to look when I undergo a gender change. Dressing up was just a way of feeling comfortable in my skin and getting, may be, a partial glimpse of my future. It may not have been completely encouraging, I agree, but then, one had access to many resources on the internet where one saw pictures of other people’s transitions and witnessed literally miraculous results. I am an ardent believer of miracles, Anonymous, and trust me, they happen.

    But even if we were to forget all this miracle stuff, there is science, technology! Facial Feminization Surgery [FFS] actually works wonders. If you search for pictures of transwomen who have undergone FFS, you would know. We’re blessed to have been born in this era. We have so many options and ways to get exactly what we want. It’s just about being positive and having faith. [Talking about FFS, I must state that personally, I believe one should undergo FFS only after facial hair has been dealt with AND the hormones have been given at least 3 years to take effect on the body. Most of the transwomen I know felt no need to go for FFS after that, because the hormones had taken care of their major concerns!]

    I hope I’ve been able to quell some of your fears. You’re always welcome a ton! May the Best be yours! :-)

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  31. yaar i m helpless ....... sorry but thats true hv done with my sschoollzz 2 yr ago n i wanna leave alone frm da family wanna hv hormoneszz till my graduasn .... yaar i m confsdnt abt my beauty, i m a su[per model stuff ......... bas i m just leaving home cant tolrate this ppplz i hate my family aapko nahi pata but sabki family ek jaisi nahi hoti jab aapko koi iron road ya pipe se hit karein woh bhi just coz of stupid thisz tab aap sayad mera dard samjho yaar u knw 3 weeks ago my fukin so calld baap whoever he is ........ he hurtd me so hard with iron road n pipe wo bhi sirf isliye to cut my hair off yaar y me !! inn logo ko aap nahi jantein agar inhe pata chal gaya tht m a gal nt da fukin boy they will kill me yaar :' ( m affraid i wanna make my dream true bas thode support ki zarurat thi wo bhi ......... i knw i will make my dreamzz thought this reality show coz they need our kinda pplz may be for thr TRP or whteva for humanity... yaar agar thoda support mil jaye juss for 1 2 month t6oh i will make it i wanna do bpo job too for warning money m not a looser in any way.......maine final kar liya hai m leaving home donn care aaagge kya hoga aapko dekha toh i thought u like my elder sis toh juss askd your yahoo chat id juss coz i knw u can do lil stuff for humanity ....ek aurat hi dusri aurat ka dard samjh sakti hai or sumthing like that..... chalo its ok i will manage will do anything..just willl leavein 1 2 weekz bas collectin lil money for lil servival ... take care luv ya....... n thanx for wasting your 3 4 minutes on me .... have nice life... =)

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  32. Hi Gazal
    This is "Anonymous 9" again. I don't want to sound as if I am just writing in to compliment you just to make you feel good, but I have been following some of these posts and I am truly impressed by your patience, your counselling skills, your maturity (you are still so young)and most of all, your positive attitude to life. I am 55 years old, and have been a transvestite from ever since I remember (am I transsexual? Honestly, I don't know), but I know the pains of being "different". I never had a mentor like you, nor did we have the boon of the internet. That said, I think a person like you, who is not afraid to speak out for the sake of others, needs all the prayers and good wishes that we can send your way. You will get all the happiness that you deserve. God bless!

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  33. Silent Lucidity - Most successful people in the world have to go through unreasonable circumstances to become who they are. Life never promises to be easy. You have to work at it, to create the life you want.

    Also, I do not understand, nor appreciate your looking at me as an elder sister. Relationships are extremely valuable to me, and I do not make them just like that. I'm sorry, but I never took on that role for you, or anybody else. I write this blog to be able to do my bit for somebody who might be going through what I went through. In that regard, I feel for you and there is a bond, but being a sister is much more than that. Please do not expect what you mustn't, and what I have certainly not committed to, at any point in time.

    I'm sorry that you're having to go through so much in life. I will pray that it eases out on you. Please try and keep a calm mind and think hard before you take any step. All the Best! Take care...

    Anonymous9 - You made my day! Everytime I receive a comment like this, I feel so blessed and truly proud that I decided to start this blog. It has really been worth it, and I will always continue to make a little difference with this blog. Thank you so much, once again! I hope you'll get every happiness in life! Take care...

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  34. Gazal-Hi!you are not accept my winamp skin offer because you said that you are not a techno person.OK
    But there are two just opposite thing,
    first-if you are not a techno person than you are not use the computer and internet techniqe for writing this blog.
    second-if you use these technique to write these blog than definetely you are the techno person.
    than these are two contrary thing.
    so Dear what are the truth.
    I think you are the right person for SACH KA SAMNA.

    Please do not take it serious.what I think I wrote.if you hurt by any word than do not forgive me.!sorrry.......

    In last can Gazal you expose your interest in which thing.

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  35. Shalini - Hurt? Not at all! I just had a nice little laugh, that's all! :-)

    To answer your question, my interests are the same as most people in the world. Reading, Travelling, Watching movies, meeting friends, etc.

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  36. Gazal-Hi!So Gazal I am successful in one thing,that thing is you are laugh as i want.
    Dear Gazal can you still says that you are not a techno person.
    which film you see at last weekend?

    Have all nice movement in your life.

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  37. Shalini - Yes, I would still say that, and would like to end this discussion here. It has stretched unnecessarily.

    Also, this blog is not meant for me sharing the recreational activities of my life.

    All the best to you! Take care.

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  38. Gazal-Hi!Lets end the topic now as you wish.

    Lets continue all nice movement in your life...

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  39. This is Anonymous10 again, A) I am not a transgender(if you had thought so):) I am just a student focussed on gender studies. Forgive my bluntness/lack of sensitivity if any committed.

    Few questions - When did you come out to your family? Did they have any idea of was going on with you before you came out?

    I've heard from transmen/transwomen that transitioning period has been the toughest period in their lives. How did you manage to speed past it - did you have any issues with your day-to-day life esp. in terms of housing, job hunting, dealing with people in common places etc...

    And yes, post-transition, has there been a marked change/difference you see in the society who only know you as a woman? A lot of transwomen validate the exisiting gender discrimination(against women). Also, Any light-hearted/funny incidents that you experienced, that made you smirk/laugh? :)

    Thanks a ton! You have been quite pragmatic and frank so far. So I wouldnt mind even if you made a pass at this.

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  40. Hi Gal, you are looking so beautiful in saree. u are so dignified. Gud luck in your film career. i am a crossdresser but feel guilty about it. i tried quitting but could not. only partial success. i dint married even though i am now 34 and parents forcing me. i feel you are really lucky to have such understanding parents and to have such a beautiful face.

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  41. Anonymous10 - Oh, I’m sorry. I actually did think you were trans. I apologize for my prejudice.

    I'm making a post out of my answers to your questions. Thanks for the questions, by the way. I had fun answering them. All the Best to you for your studies! Take care :-)

    Silent Lucidity – May the Best be yours! Take care.


    Kausalya – Thanks for your warm compliments and best wishes! :-)

    I’m a little unclear. Are you a closet crossdresser but otherwise, feel like a man, and feel attracted to women? If so, then try and find yourself a partner, who would understand your crossdressing needs and be okay with it. Be honest with her and tell her that this is just a fancy you have, and that you’re a man otherwise, out and out. I agree that finding such a girl could be tough, but if you keep the faith and be determined, it will be possible.

    However, if you do not relate to the Male gender, then probably, you should see a psychologist and let him/her evaluate you for Gender Identity Dysphoria. It might give you a lot of clarity.

    In either case, if you’re certain that you don’t want to get married, then face that truth Kausalya. Tell your parents! Yes, tell them! But tell them, not like throwing a brick on their heads, but unfolding this truth gradually. Sensitize them a little, share information about gender and sexuality with them, and gradually, let them know that this is one part of you that you could never share with them because you were scared that they’d be hurt, but that it is high time now that you be truthful to them, so that they don’t keep having any hopes of your marriage. If they have dreams about your marriage Kausalya (and you know and I know that they have a lot of them), you owe them the truth. I won’t promise you that it will be easy, but I do promise you that once you do it, it will be a lot of burden off your heart. And yes, they may be very hurt, upset, even angry at you to start with, but gradually (and this always happens), they’ll come to terms with it, and accept you, because unknowingly, they had promised to themselves to love you unconditionally when they had brought you into this world. Give them a chance to prove that unconditional love to you, and while they prepare themselves for that stand, you please do keep expressing your unconditional love to them. That will, I’m sure, make it bearable for them, and will also make them come around, sooner than you expect!

    May the best be yours! Take care... and once again, thanks! :-)

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  42. Gazal you are the most beautiful transe woman of india.
    can you take plastic surgery on face.

    one more thing can you miss gunraj?

    gazal can you specify you wrote your name Gazal not Ghazal.why?

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  43. Anonymous11 - Thank you for your compliment.

    Yes, of course, one can undergo plastic/cosmetic surgery on the face. In the case of transwomen, it would be called Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS). Most SRS surgeons are also adept at doing this. But if your question is whether I have undergone any FFS, then the answer is - No, I haven't.

    Well, I'm very fond of Gunraj and I remember Gunraj sometimes with a feeling of great warmth and love. But do I miss Gunraj in the way that Gunraj should be back in existence? No! Not at all.

    I chose Gazal over Ghazal simply on whim. 'Ghazal' looks a little heavy and serious. 'Gazal', on the other end, looks very light and fresh. That, of course, is my personal opinion, but then, when it comes to my name, I guess it is MY opinion that matters, right? :-)

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  44. Hi Gazal,
    Bit overwhelmed by your detailed response. Thanks a lot for your time.Yes i was crossdressing from my childhood, but never let anyone know. i did it with utmost secret. i thought crossdressing is a habit and could be corrected. so i was ok some 10 years back. i have tried to be male. hardly anyone suspects me as a cd. but i could not commit to a marriage because as you have rightly said, its important to tell your wife about it. but i know its such a tough task. so i was kind of non committal on marriage. i have reduced the frequency of my cding though. but i loved to experience feminity. i have tried to learn a bit of classical dancing as well. as regarding to telling to parents, i could not even muster courage to tell even about my dance to my parents. thats mostly coz of my extreme shy nature. some years back , i was seriously considering srs. but now i am just kind of kept my mind open, and i am buying some time so that i can kind of realize what i want. sometimes i feel just that i should be just be feminized by my wife or someone else even for a while. i don't know if this means one needs to become a full time woman.i had some desires or fantasies, such as getting a makeover at a parlor, or dancing in womans costume, or playing a woman in a theater. may be if i could achieve some of this, i could be satisfied and then carry on. basically i am not sure of myself until now.

    so nice to get your reply, and your thoughts on informing the parents and their rights to know about us. keep posting on your work and life as well. your as young little gal in "A little voice" post is so cute. how did you manage to click the pic at that age as a gal.?
    Thanks again.

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  45. gazal hi-i am a trans.i am decide for SRS before can you help me by giving your valuable experiance.
    can after SRS i am doing sex naturaly as a girl,can you have any sex experiane after become female with any male or female.can any man fuccked you or trying to fuccked you with your consent or with out your consent.if fuccked what feeling experiance you.
    can you realize feeling thats natural born woman feel after sex with a man.

    if you not fuccked by any men can you want to doing sex(fuccked) with the male.

    i ask this because i want to do SRS and everyone known that natural born woman have a deep feeling of doing sex(fuccked) with the oposite gender.this is the one part of a girl to become the woman.
    can these feeling also developed me (or developed in you) after doing SRS.
    or can we doing sex as a natural woman doing can we face any difficulity in sex compare to natural woman.

    can you doing sex with girl before transition when you are Gunraj.what difference you feel to doing sex before and after the SRS.

    i know these question break your private life but if you give your million value experiance than it help me as well as other trans who fight himself want to become that one is actually.
    your experiance is a hope for me.

    i appologies if this question hurt you or my word break your honour.
    --Thanks a lot--

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  46. Kausalya – Hi! When I reply to a comment, I try to do the best possible justice to it, which is why, sometimes my responses are a bit delayed, since I need some time to respond to each query. That’s why, this reply is a little late. Sorry about that!

    About my picture, that was taken when I played the role of a girl in a school play – one of my fondest childhood memories.

    Coming to you now, I think it’s a good decision to give yourself time to understand who you really are. But HOW are you using this time? Have you ever tried to go to such spaces where you can crossdress along with others who are like you and just spend some time being in that state? For example, there are LGBT NGOs where a lot of transgendered people go, dress up and spend time. Try it and see if dressing up for a few hours every week makes you happy. But if you still feel incomplete, then you would know that it is more than just a desire to dress up like a woman sometimes.

    Also, I would again recommend a psychiatric evaluation by a good psychiatrist. Just go to one and tell him/her exactly what you tell me. Ask him/her for an evaluation for Gender Identity Dysphoria. In all probability, the evaluation will give you a clearer picture.

    If you ARE attracted to women and would want to get married if your crossdressing were not a problem for your wife, then, search for that girl. It’s not impossible. If you set out to look for her with full commitment, trust me you’ll find her. I accept and understand that you’re shy. But in matters that really matter to us, Kausalya, we HAVE to get rid of our inhibitions. Being shy has not brought you anywhere all these years, has it? Shyness is a cocoon in which you’ve locked yourself up, but are you happy there? If not, then there is something wrong about the situation, no? Come on! Get up, promise to yourself that you WILL find that girl in a year’s time and then, get on to it. “How?” is a question that you will find an answer to, if you’re really committed to it. But the important question right now is – ARE you committed to your own happiness or not? You can choose to remain shy and locked up all your life, or you can choose to feel free, breathe free and be happy that you’re not only being honest to everyone around you, but most importantly, you’re LIVING each day!

    And lastly and most importantly, as I said earlier, TELL YOUR PARENTS! They have a right to know this and you have no right to deny them that right! Get over your shyness, get over your belief that you’re a shy person, just look at yourself in the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you’re a confident and a wonderful person, that you can do and be anything you decide to do and be, and really, FEEL it each time you say it. Why’re you letting ANYTHING stop you from being happy? It’s your LIFE and it’s the only one you’ve got!


    Kauselya – Hi! From what I have understood, all your questions boil down to this – After SRS, can you have sex like genetic women, and if and when you do, can you experience as much pleasure as a genetic woman does?

    Now Kauselya, both these things actually depend upon your surgeon. A skilled surgeon will be able to create genitals that look and feel exactly like those of a genetic girl. My surgeon was highly skilled and efficient. So, I have absolutely no complaints on any of these accounts and my answer to both the above questions would be ‘Yes, you can’.

    I suggest that before you go in for your SRS, you should try and meet other people who got their surgery done from the same surgeon and see what they have to say. That should give you a clearer picture as to whether that surgeon is good or not.

    I hope I have been able to answer you satisfactorily... All the Best! Take care.


    Anonymous12 - ??

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  47. Hey Gazal, thanks for your reply. i have yet to try NGO's. Let me see if i can dress up occasionally and be happy. In fact I don't crave to dress up all the time. its just a occasional feeling. Earlier i used to crave for dressing everyday. i even once went to kollam cd fetival all alone and was enfem entire night. my restraint against marriage may be because of my shyness towards gals.Still i figure out, i feel so glad about your journey. reading your stories gives quite a lot of happiness to me and to other people like me who could live your journey as our own. Thanks again for your valuable time.

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  48. Gazal!!!!
    i have a few question for u...
    1)do u know any surgeon in india who is well experienced in SRS,creating a sensitive organ??? as far i know we don't have surgeons...
    2)You told that you would have delayed surgery for another 1 year,is it possible to pass immigration officials with a male passport and a feminine look.. specially face and the chest part...
    3)Do u give us advise how to pass the immigration in case of reaching Thailand for SRS,as far as i know no country had ever done SRS's than Thai..

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  49. Kausalya – You’re most welcome! And please do consider all the suggestions and points I have put across to you! All the Best for your journey! May you find your route to where you have to reach… I’m glad that I’m able to bring some happiness to you… Thanks for commenting, and take care. :)


    Anonymous13 – Please find my answers below:

    1) Unfortunately, I’m not aware of any surgeons in India and I would not like to take names without having any knowledge (first-hand or second-hand) about their competency.

    2) Well, ideally, you would have a letter from your surgeon stating that your purpose of visit to that country is to undergo SRS. You would get a Visa based on that, so you can always produce the same letter at the immigration and things should go smoothly.

    3) As stated in point 2, the surgeon’s letter would come in handy. Don’t feel shy or embarrassed about sharing your purpose of visiting that country [Thailand or otherwise]. You’re not going there to do anything wrong! Several countries have surgeons who are experts in SRS, but of course, Thailand is the favourite international destination.

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  50. Hi Gazal,
    I am a transgender person traped in a male body. I have decided to come out of the closet and go for my transition.
    I saw your TV talk show on youtube and then read thru your blog. It is very inspiring and informative.
    Thank you again for the all the information.
    Thou I am indian origin but I live in Sydney and your information has helped me to find answers to few questions I had.
    Best Regards
    Preeti ( that is the name I have given to my real self)

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  51. Dear Preeti,

    I want you to acknowledge something here. I could be one of the several people who might help you answer your questions and give that little push that we all need before we take the plunge, but the courage and commitment to your happiness and your life is YOUR OWN! Never forget that. Never stop feeling proud of who you are and the decisions you have made for yourself. It takes extraordinary strength to be who you are (even before the decision to transition) and always, at all times, acknowledge yourself for that strength! May the Best be yours... and May your journey be full of joy and beauty! Take care.

    Love
    Gazal

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  52. you looking beutiful in saree.Who teach you wear saree so good.

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  53. Anonymous14 - Thanks! :)

    Well, a dear friend of mine had helped me drape the sari. I'm quite incapable of doing it on my own! :)

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  54. gajal is very nice.

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  55. Gajal, You are lookig beautiful in saree.Have you pierce your nose? You would look more beautiful wearing nose pin or nose ring,

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  56. ..hi Gazal, first of all i would like to say this..YOU ARE GORGEOUS..REALLY..I wondered how a man can change like this..as everybody said, u r very beautiful in saree..i am a man,almost ur age..used to dress in female clothes from my childhood days..i wil get great pleasure in those dresses. tried most of the female dresses including saree (bt not perfect in saree)..i am confused..when i am with other people, i am comfortable as a man..i can dominate & sometimes even forget the transvestite feelings. but when i am alone, the feeling comes n i will be forced to be dressed as a girl, wearing skirts n tops, bangles,ear rings,kajal,bindi,payal etc..that time i am content in my appearence in mirror as i am fair & having a feminine look without mustash. but i have a girl friend, really a serious relation, i wana marry her. but i fear will my feminine feeling dominates after mariage.if so i hav to say gudbye to her then. i cnt do that nw or then..i was managing to control those feelings of a girl as i hav responsiblities, but as i saw u, again the desires came to my mind. i wan to be like you, i wan to wear sarees and all things women uses. i wan to be in girls company..but i am not a gay..but wana b a wife if i undergo transition.bt no sexual feelngs to men now...i am a perfect man now in look and behaviour, and content and active in this role most of the times especially if someone invokes my feelings or responsibilities as a man.i am having all the feelings to girls that a normal man has.wen i speak to my girl(wife, bt nt marid), i am a perfect husband. she dsnt know these things. this is the first time i am sharing it to smebdy. since u r a lady now and had gone through these things, u can advice me as my female friend.i prefer girls as my best friends as i am comfortable with them. bt really i have lots of male friends. i dnt wan to go to a psychartist as it may expose me.nw i am writing this with a girl's mind. u can call me Neena. Please dont publish this coment, but i wan your reply.

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  57. Gazal..still i am in a girl's mind. i am alone in my room now.so i myself addressing me as Neena. now i cant control my feeling to be a girl. here i dnt have access to women's clothes, but the desire to be a girl killing me. But the problem is that if i go out n spend with other gents, i will become one among them.but after that i wil come bak to this situation again.
    When i saw your photo in this blog, first the man in me got attracted to you as you are a very gorgeous girl. but sudenly the girl in me started dominating and started the immense desire to be a gorgeous like you.
    but my voice is hard...
    What are your plans about future? planning to stay alone or wana marry a man who understands you?
    Is it possible to transplant female reproductory organs from another female who wants to undergo FMT? i am asking this because i hav a desire to be a wife n mother if possible...it is my desire only...i know it may be impossible. bt sitll i hav the desire.
    i am considering you as my best friend, Neena's best friend. That is why i am sharing all those things i feel. i am very mch eager to get your reply.

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  58. Gazal tumhari saree mey bahut tarif ho gai hai ab to saree pehanna seekh lo.jab saree pehanna seekh lo to apni khud pahani hui pehali saree ka photo post karna blog par.
    Realy charming woman look very beautiful in saree forever...

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  59. Anonymous15 – Thanks! :)

    Anonymous16 – Thanks! No, I haven’t pierced my nose.

    Neena – First of all, thanks for all your compliments!

    Neena, about your desire to dress up as a woman when you’re alone, from whatever I know, I think you can be identified as a transvestite but not as a transsexual person. One, you’re attracted to women. Two, you feel totally comfortable with men when you’re with them. But to be sure, I want you to consider this – Does your male organ feel alien to you? Do you feel you’d rather not have it, in fact, would love it, if you didn’t have it? If no, then please do not even consider transitioning. If you’re confused in answer to that question, then please do see a good psychologist. You’re always guaranteed confidentiality when you go to one, but just to be safe, you can go to one in another city where nobody might know you.

    Neena, there is masculine and feminine in every human being, only the degrees vary. Your feminine is slightly stronger than most men, which is probably why, you have a desire to dress up, but it is not as strong as mine, which is why, you probably may not want to go all the way to change your gender. There are many people in the world like you – called transvestites or cross-dressers and there is nothing perverse or wrong about it. It’s just a fancy you have and it’s alright to accept it. After all, there’s nothing criminal or even wrong to wear something you want to wear in the privacy of your own place.

    I would also recommend that you read up about transvestitism on the internet and share this part of your personality with your girlfriend. Let her also read up about it. She might be open to the idea of you dressing up privately sometimes. If you both are in love with each other and are looking at marriage in the future, then you ought to be open to her about this. She has a right to know her would-be, in and out. It will be difficult for you, I know, but go about it slowly. Let her read stuff about sexuality, gender and how there are so many kinds of possibilities in human beings. Reveal to her gradually and let her realize at all points in time how important she is for you, which is why it was essential that you share yourself fully with her. Stay positive, stay committed to her, express your love completely and leave the rest to God. I’m positive things will turn out well. All the Best! Take care.

    Anonymous17 – Thanks! Jab seekh loongi, tab post karoongi, par main prefer karti hoon ki koi aur hi mujhe sari baandhe. It’s too complicated for me. Thanks once again!

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  60. Gajal. let me know about your present projects in bollywood.Undoutedly you are very talelented and yout personality is very attractive. you have a great future ahead. All the best.

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  61. Gazal..

    thanks for your reply..i never felt my organs alien to me..bt wen i wan to be a girl or me in such a mood, i wan it perfect..then i wil be hpy n comfortable if i had female genitals.. i am also accepting the importance of sharing these things to fiance..i decided several times to tel it to my her..bt im afraid as i dnt knw hw she feels..otherwise she may accept..bt she may loose the confidence in her man...they always prefer a perfect man. right?bt now i am in a man's mind..bt cant predict its consistency..thats all. i use to read transvestite & cross-dressing sites for the last 5-6 years. That time itself i identified me as a transvestite. but sometimes i felt myself that i have a feeling beyond that. then the confusion starts again. i just shared and you don't worry. If time allows just pen down some words for me. And i will be ok with that.
    When you replied, i felt very happy. You are really a mature lady. As i have lady friends, i can feel the care of the lady in you. Once again thanks.

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  62. Gajal,
    How Did you celeberate "Raksha Bandhan" After transition? plese tell me something about your elder brother. How he treats you now. I think he must be happy to have little sister.

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  63. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  64. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  65. Anonymous18 – Thanks for your wonderful compliments and best wishes! I’m sorry but I do not share my professional life on this blog.


    Neena – Like I said, you should come out to your fiancée gradually. Don’t drop it on her head like a bolt from the sky but be slow, take one step at a time and at all times, make her feel assured of your love and your role as the man in the relationship. Try and find transvestite marriage stories on the internet. There ARE women in the world who allow their husbands to dress up privately, once in a while. Slowly, let your fiancée also read about those accounts.

    As for going all the way to change your gender, I would strictly advise against it if you have even an iota of doubt in your mind. Always remember that this is an irreversible surgery. You will never ever be able to get your Male organs back. So, DON’T even think about SRS unless you’re 100% sure!

    And thanks for all your warm compliments! Take care. May the best be yours!


    Anonymous19 – My brother and I share a very loving relationship. He cares a lot for me and yes, is very protective too. When I decided to undergo transition, he was the first one in my family who supported me.

    I’m going to celebrate ‘Raksha Bandhan’ with him next year, in person. Unfortunately, I couldn’t do it this year.


    Kausalya – I strongly condemn your actions and wouldn’t even respond to your comments hereafter. It’s your own life that you’re playing with here! I want to have no role to play in this silly game you have decided to play! Problems don’t get solved like that Kausalya. If you want to create your own solutions to problems, please go ahead, but kindly do not take the effort to share your attempts with me. I have no interest in knowing about them, whatsoever!

    All the best! I hope you take care of yourself.

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  66. Hi Gazal, sorry for the post i did. could you please remove it. i dont want someone to read it.

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  67. Have you ever wear Bangles and payal?

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  68. Hi Gazal,

    How are you?

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  69. Anonymous20 - Yes, I do, sometimes.


    Neena - Hi! I'm good, thanks! Hope you're doing well too. All the best!

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  70. hey u really look awesome, u r pretty and wat else i would say i don't hav words u look beutiful

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  71. hey gazal, i just wanted to make friendship with u.so here is my email id gautam.phadnis@gmail.com pls snd me invitation on my gmail account

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  72. u look good in sareee .... can u post more photos...plzzz

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  73. hello gazal. I am anubhav basically from orissa but now in faridabad(near delhi). i m a 24 year old female trapped in a male's body. while writing my story, feelings and my circumstancs to u, i cant stop the tears coming out of my eyes, due to my pain in all these 24 years. i remember i was 4 or 5 years old wen my mom dressed me the skirt of my sister by mistake as she was preparing both of us for an ocassion in hurry. wen she realised tat she put the dress in wrong body, she immeditaley took it out. its the 1st time i felt uncomfortable as to why she did this.i was quite happy with it.my mom always used to send me to play with other male kids during my childhood but i insisted to sit in verandah doing painting or play alonewith a small car which my dad bought me. i was 9 years old, and i was no more intrested in toys. My dad bought me a bat and sent me to playground to play cricket. my friends played with the bat while i sat in one corner of field. i was 12, i dressed myself as a female with my mom's clothes. wen i was 14 my parents caught me crossdressing. they scolded me ups and downs. it lowered my morals so much tat i cudnt say them abt my feelings except till now before few weeks i said them abt my feelings. all my life till now my parents trated me as a aguy which was disgusting and irresistible for me.during my mid teenage, my cousin sister who was my best friend said me tat she loves me.at firsti felt very odd but i was quite influenced with her and at 1 time i thought i have started loving her but within 6 months or so , i avoided her bcoz by saying her 'Ilove u', i was lying my own conscience and it was only to make her happy. i was nowhere happy with it.i knew tat being a gal i cant love a gal. hence i denied her and later my parents came to know about it. then at age of 17 i went for my engineering. i had to stay in hostel, with boys. i was feeling so much insecure, because of their treatment towards me. they all treated me as a guy.i always had a fear tat isnt tat guy gonna harm me? i changed 2 hostels. they commented on my feminine figure(which i posses naturally). but its the insecuirty and their treatment towrads me for which i left hostel.then i met a guy calld asutosh in our college, a nice and a decent guy. i stayed with him. he helped me in everything, whether exams,moral support,making notes etc. during these 4 years i always wanted to say my best friend about how i feel from inside. but i cudnt say him bcoz i was afraid of his rejection.then i did my 1st job at nainital. there i used to stay alone. while at home i always dressed as female. even i went out quite a few times out for 4-5 hours dressed as a female but never dressed up as a female in office. I noticed the discrimination in people there but it was tolerable. then i came to faridabad(near delhi) for job. it was my big mistake to do this job. it was quite hectic, involved a lot of physical and mechanical exertion.i hated this job and it was against my soul. i said my parents to quit my job but they denied for it bcoz of recession and unavailability of jobs. from june 2007 till now i have been doing this job. during this time, i went to kolkata and met an NGO.i met few pre operative transsexuals and transgenders. i stayed there for a week dressed as a female both outside and inside. i shared their experiences.

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  74. But here in faridabad, i was lonely. i started the habit of smoking to deal with my frustration of being in wrong body. wen i went to chat rooms i use to show everyone my real identity. many laughed,many ignored, many asked vulgar questions. then i decided to create a female's id and chat as a gal without showing my physical appearance. many were influenced with my thinking and my feminity. also talked over phone with a guys impersonating a girl's voice over dfferent period of time. he was so much influenced with my behaviour that he started loving me.and even i also loved him. that day i have almost made up my mind to go for operation.even they r so pleased tat they said their family tat they love a gal(i.e, me). i thought as this matter reached his family, so i shud say him the truth. i said him about my physical appearance and my mental appearance. he got hurt. he said tat he understood my feelings but he cant love my present as i m a male from outside although i m a good girl from insde. i felt extremely guilty and wished tat if wud have been a gal from physique, i wud have loved him so much tat will make his life heaven. but he dint ignore me and is still my friend. but his rejection made me very low. as i collected many informations on sex change surgey since 2002, i came to know tat dr.manohar lal sharma of delhi and quite a few more doctors across india perform this surgery. i talked to them over phone. they explained me the whole process, rite from the psychological assesment to surgery. also said tat i need approval of my parents. i decided to speak it up to my parents as these 24 years were a exile for the female inside me. i said my parents. my mom got a heart attack, although she overcame it. for couple of days i explained them and atlast my dad agreed for it. but as he is now busy with my sister's marriage which will due to happen in early next year, so he said tat he will come here after january 2010. he also said me to consult psychologist. i took online pyschologic tests which resulted tat i feelings are of a female and i m more or less a transsexual.it suggested me to take help of psycholgist in my locality. now the main issue is tat, 1).while in faridabad i cudnt dress up as a female in public as people over here are too narrow minded.i m afraid of misbehaviour and physical abuse. 2).i have only saved rs.30000 which is too less and this month i got increment and now y salary isrs.20000. 3).i talked to doctor in delhi. he said only vaginoplasty will cost me rs.3 lakhs. other treatments will be done upon necessity. 4). my family cannot fund this much money, so i m aranging this money and i know within 2 years i will able to saveupto 3-4 lakhs and tat too if i continue with this job.the place where i do job are male dominated and so is my work profile which will not support my transition.can u give me the idea of how mch it will cost for surgery in india. u paid how much for the whole process in bangkok. 5). wen the psychologist will examine me, wat all qustions he will ask me? i knw i have to stay dressed up as a female for full time. during tat time wat kind of job i shud do by which i can fund tat much money within couple of years or so and wat kind of job will accept me dressed as female in my professional field. is it possible to get rented rooms to stay. 6). shud i continue with this job for 2 years or so, to arrange money although my soul doesnt permits it. 7). shud i consult the doctors now or shud i wait for 2 years until i arrange the money.

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  75. there are lot more questions in my mind. i m very much determined and desperate to do this operation bcoz i knw how i lived for 24 years and i cant live like this for 50 more years. many times i feel like commiting suicide as i cant take this body anymore and due to this body i cant show my true self to the world. if doctors deny me for operation, i wud be totally broken up and i will commit suicide as i have no other way. i cant live like this, each and every moment strciken with grief and a hope to achieve my original physical idenitity. u knw at the end of every day before going to sleep i cry a lot on my helplessness. at the moment i m very much nervous thinking of doctor refusing me for surgery. i cant live with this body gazal. it wud be like a curse for me, i may commit suicide on rejection by doctors in delhi. plz help me. plz tell me wat shud i do at the moment. i need ur help and continuous advice, through out my transition. i m very alone and need a friend who understand my feelings and continuously guide me through this time.i wud always be greatful to u if u guide me to achieve my original identity. i can do anything and everything to match my physical appearance with my mental make up. All I can say is tat these 24 years have been very traumatic for me as I have stayed in a body of someone which was not mine. looking forward for ur support and reply.

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  76. hi h r u? im a guy(crossdresser) from south india who would like to go for srs,can you tell me clearly what to do.I had already told to my mother but she scolds me and scolds me infront of my relatives about cdressing.Hey please tell me some instructions what to do? I would like to follow your instructions. Take care!!!!!!

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  77. Gautam – Thanks for your appreciation, but I’m sorry, I do not make friends on the internet like that. All the best!


    Anonymous21 – Thanks! I post photos only when it is in context of my post.


    Anubhav – First things first, don’t be so negative! Tell yourself that this is a medical condition and it CAN be resolved, and that it WILL be. Going by your description, I don’t think the psychiatrists would deny you a Gender Dysphoria certificate, so please don’t lose heart. You know, at the end of the day, YOU have to know who you are, and the world will just have to acknowledge. That’s what happened with me. So, don’t clog your mind with negativity and destructive thoughts. Instead, focus all your energies and mind towards chalking out a plan for your transition. Make a 3-year roadmap for yourself. Go step by step. Put every step against a timeline and then work towards achieving it. If your family can’t support you financially, then you will have to support yourself. It might take some time, but trust me, the final result would be worth the wait. But I suggest that you get the psychological evaluation out of way, so that you can at least start with the hormone therapy.

    Unfortunately, I cannot answer your questions – like which job to take up etc, because you’re the best person to judge it. Ideally, a desk job where you can just sit quietly and do your job without having to be too visible would suit you best. About the psychiatrist’s questions, relax. Really, Anubhav, relax. Just give honest answers to anything and everything he asks you, and you will do just fine. But do consult at least 2 different psychiatrists, preferably, 3. About full-time living as a female, well, I didn’t have to do it. My doctor in Bangkok didn’t need for me to do it. So, you can try and work out some kind of a mid-path with your doctors, and tell them that you will dress up at home and among friends who know and understand, while on work, you won’t. I know you’re very stressed about all these questions and you’re thinking of every possible thing that might go wrong, but trust me, all those questions keep getting answered at the right time. You just try and think positive. BELIEVE that all will go well. Try to look at it this way! Millions of people have been through sex change across the world, and thousands, in our own country. So, if they can, so can you! Have faith in your heart, and all will go well!

    I’m here whenever you need to ask any question or clear any doubts, alright? Take good care of yourself. You’re very precious… All the very best on this journey! :)


    Malvya – I suggest you go through my entire blog and all the comments. Also, do some research on the internet. It’s very easy to find out about the whole process that you need to undergo. The first step, of course, would have to be a psychological evaluation by a psychiatrist. Once you’re certified to have Gender Dysphoria, then you can proceed to an endocrinologist for hormone therapy. All the best for your journey! Take care.

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  78. Gazal-Hi!when you become the brand ambassador of pepsi.can you replace the karina?

    take care...

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  79. @Anonymous17
    LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
    =)) =))
    LMAO!

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  80. Anonymous17 - :) I take that as a compliment. Thanks!

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  81. I thought I knew something about you (firstly from our engg. days, then Youtube and Orkut)...untill I carefully read this blog. All I can say is that I've understood you better. I wish you all the best. Keep walking...miles to go!
    --A.S.

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  82. Gajal ji,
    Apki nai sunder jindagi ke liye badhai. apne apne interests ke bare me blog me dancce likha hai let me know ap kis tarh ke dance karti hain kin gano par krapya bataiyen ?

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  83. Hi Gazal - I am Venkat, 33 M. You are indeed a very beautiful woman! I wish that I could meet you; and that I could propose to you for marriage!

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  84. A.S. – Now, you’ve left me guessing. Care to share the identity? :)


    Anonymous18 – Thank you. Par aapke question ka iss blog se koi connection nahin hai, isliye sorry, main jawaab nahin de paoongi.


    Venkat – I’m sorry but I’m not open to meeting people like that. Thanks for the compliment though. All the best for your life!

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  85. I would like to see your photograph in bridal dress with all jewellary.

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  86. Dear Gazal - Thanks for writing back. You have a very sophisticated way of placing matters. I like it very much. Much appreciated!

    What should I do to get to know you? Please give me a chance. My email is good_guy0072001@yahoo.com

    Best wishes
    Venkat

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  87. Anonymous19 - I'm sorry but I do not post pictures on request.

    Venkat - I'm sorry, but I afraid that's not possible.

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  88. Hi Gazal, you are so brave. Well i am an Indian too and I am from Kerala. Since childhood I did wish to be a girl. I always dress up as a girl though it is still a secret confined to me. I am just a male body with a female soul. All by emotions and heart content is female. I wish to be one. I am 24 years old now. But I am afraid to tell my parents that I need a sex transition and that I wish to be a girl. I only feel comfortable when I am dressed up as a girl. My mind and Sould is sweet as a girl. I am totally afraid as Indian family traditions is against it. Please give me proper guidance. What should I do ? I do not know what to do ? I am confused. I wish to live rest of my life as a female.

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  89. I wish I could talk to your and be in touch with you by email. I need some confidence. I need some one to help me out. Atleast someone like you who will understand my pain of being in a male body while your soul is female.

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  90. Hi Neha,

    I think foremost of all, you must get two psychiatric evaluations done, to ascertain that you actually have a case of GID. After that, start coming out to your parents gradually. Give them hints, educate them, make them aware about GID, and then, finally inform them that you suffer from it yourself.

    I know it must seem really difficult right now, but take it slow and steady. Don't think of doing it in one go and shocking your parents. Reaction to a shock is mostly always negative, whereas, if you gradually inform them and make them aware about the problem first and then, say that you're suffering from it, you have a better chance of making them understand.

    Neha, I'm sorry I do not write to personal email ids. But if you have more questions, I'll be happy to answer them here. Take care. All the best!

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  91. Hi Gazal,

    I saw you on the channel V the other day on Making a Big Decision. That gave a sigh of relieve. Seriously it gave me a new hope. I feel I belong to the opposite gender and have been consulting 2-3 psychiatrists. It's been really difficult and painful to having to roam around and convince people about your real feelings regarding your own gender! I need a small help from you. My psychiatrist is willing to provide me the certification after having consulted after a couple of times. However he as no clue about the hormones. Now do I. Could you please let me know where can I consult someone for the same. Is stay in Bangalore but do not mind coming to Mumbai to consult somebody for the hormones.

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  92. mmmm whats with all the ppl callin her beautiful lol lol

    garibon ki katrina kaif? lol lol lol lol

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  93. didi i'm feeling really very helpless as i myself feel to be in the wrong body. it was fine when i was a child but when puberty came i was finding it difficult to cope with my voice changing and facial hair growing. At that time i had no idea what a transgender was but 1 thing i was sure was there is something terribly wrong with me. when i became older and came to know about transgenders i was sure that i was one and i was locked up in the wrong body. didi you are very lucky to get such an opportunity to be your real inner self and all i want from you is a little help. please reply me back at my email id stated below.

    appythaklive@gmail.com

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  94. I would refrain from congratulating u or praise ur bravery.. as its a shame that to practice ones constitutional rights or human rights, majority of the members of our so called civilised society impose their preconcieved prejudiced notions.. the questn is.. is it a matter of pride or shame, that for some 'gazal' , it was a matter of even the slightest mental/social trouble to be wat she was.. #prideandprejudice

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  95. Hi Gazal............
    when i watch you on (Satyamev Jayate Season 3 19th) i can not control my self to find out you on web. really i am very impress from your sacrifice and after all you achieve the aims as you think in your life. i cordially encourage you because GOD make you very beautiful. can you become friend of mine on net if you dont mind. so plz send me your id or add me on my facebook id niazalifakir@yahoo.com

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  96. I am very much impressed from your post.It has amazing information. Private Escorts Singapore

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  97. Hi Gazal mam . you are really beautiful. i first saw you in satya mev jayte. you are the inspiration of mine.

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  100. Hi GAZAL Di, I am very much grateful for your great help giving to all of us. I kindly request you if you can mention the name of doctor you went through. You are just not a winner di but an inspiration and motivation to me. I see you and always collect courage to say life is beautiful... Thank you very much for your valuable information and guiding all of us. God bless you Di...

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  101. Hi Di, My apologies, you already mentioned about doc in another article. I just saw it. Thank you very much. You are very sweet and intelligent.

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  102. Hi Gazal,I am taking the next step in the transition journey which is HRT.My endocrinologist suggested to go for the testicle removal right surgery right away which I am not quite ready presently (as dnt want to loose the skin which might be useful during viginoplasty)and hence thinking f starting with T blockers along with Astrogen. Could you pls help me with the names of the tablets which accordingly I can discuss with my endocrinologist further.Many thanks.

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  103. Thanks for sharing as it is an excellent post would love to read your future post -for more knowledge Vaginoplasty in Bangalore | Vaginoplasty Doctors in Bangalore

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Civility check done? :-)