This Blog is for YOU...

If you are/were Gender Dysphoric - so as to know some from me and share some with me, and reaffirm that none of us is alone... To acknowledge that we have a treasure of insurmountable Courage, Strength and Hope in us. I have a feeling that we were given slightly higher quantities of those special gifts :-) [If you have a question to ask me, you could write it as a Comment to one of the posts, and either I would reply to it as a Comment itself, or probably, respond in one of the future posts on this blog]

If you have never been Gender Dysphoric - so as to understand what it means to have a Gender Identity Disorder. Of course, it primarily depends on whether you want to or not. If you don't, please do make a quiet exit and try not to be a nuisance.

If you're confused - so as to realize that everybody goes through a stage of confusion - the period could be short, or sometimes, very long. What is important is to acknowledge that being unsure until you're sure is as normal and as alright as night before day.


If you're a human being - so as to find out for yourself whether you want to try to make the world a better place to live in, for every fellow human being, irrespective of their health, wealth, colour, race, gender, religion and any and every other line of division you can think of.


And finally, this blog is for ME - so as to be able to make some difference somewhere by sharing my experiences, and along the way, slowly grow out of those anxieties and insecurities that have inhabited my life for over 2 decades. It is time to escort them to the door now!

Come, Join me on this journey!

Friday, December 19, 2008

When I saw Dawn...

It was April 3rd, 2006 – just a day after “To be… ME” had been made ready to ‘come out’ to the world… along with ME!

Sometime in the afternoon, my cell phone beeped an SMS. It was to inform me that today was the birthday of a certain man, who had been very significant in my life in the past one month, so I called him up instantly. The restless man that he is, without even giving me sufficient time to wish him the best in life, he asked me where I was. And before I could begin to answer that, he informed me that I was going to The Oberoi's to have a cake with him!

And he was right! I was going to The Oberoi's after all… despite the fact that I was wearing virtually rags for clothes and some unmentionable Batas for footwear… and he was (is) at least a billionaire for sure. For our purposes, we’ll call him ‘A’!

I don’t remember much about The Oberoi's, I’m not someone who has an eye for architecture but I clearly remember feeling miniscule while entering it. I knew I didn’t belong there. Nor did I feel that I fit on the table of the man I was meeting, but there he was – with a genuine, warm smile spreading on his face, as soon as his eyes spotted me. It must have been then, that it crossed my mind that I had brought him no gift. But even if it had occurred to me sooner, I could have done nothing much to help myself. I was pretty much penniless.

He was in a business meeting with two other men. He left that table and we took another one a little distance away. He called for coffee (I didn’t like it one bit) and a chocolate pastry (I loved it) that we shared in the name of his birthday.

The coffee and cake, of course, came later. The conversation began much before that. Thanks to my recently developed grandma-ish memory (sigh!), I remember only the most important part of the conversation. And it had begun with – “So what’s your darkest desire?”

[Now that I think of it, I find it really funny. Darkest desire! I could have named a million and one to him, starting with something that had John Abraham and a lot of creative imagination in it!]

I had laughed and said – I don’t HAVE any dark desire. “Oh, come on!” – came the voice from the other side of the table – “Everyone has a dark desire. You have to tell me yours!” By any chance, if you happen to meet him, you will know what I mean when I say that if he needs something from you, he can really get after your life! And How!

But then, I am not less known for my obstinacy too! I didn’t budge from the lie – “I have no dark desires”. And then, he asked me THE question – “Have you ever loved someone?”

Finally, an easy question – “Yes”, I said.
“Do you want to marry him?”
“I don’t want to talk about it”
“See! That’s your darkest desire! The deepest! Lying inside the darkest cellar inside of you… Where you don’t allow even a whiff of light to peep in”
“ ”, I said.
“What’s stopping you? Why don’t you go ahead and be who you really are? Just why?”

I got no time to answer that. He was already punching his cell phone’s keypad, and within half a minute, he had fixed up a consultation appointment for me with a surgeon.

“I’ll pay for your entire SRS process. And then, you can direct a movie for me sometime. Fair deal?”

In that moment, on that day, in that year, in this lifetime, I couldn’t have asked for anything more than that. My roadblock had always been money, and it would have, for quite some time still. This man had changed it!

“So, transform into a pretty girl and marry the guy!”

[It would of course never be that simple, but it was this quality of this man that made him endearing – he made life look so simple. As if, everything is just a wish away!]

“I can’t marry him A. Come on! He has a family too. Even if I transform into a pretty girl and all that, it’s impossible. His family would never accept me!”

And then, he said golden words again…

“That’s HIS problem. Why’re you making it yours? You love the guy, if he loves you too, you get married. What his family thinks is not your problem. Don’t make it either!”

Even today, I try to keep the essence of what he meant etched in my mind and my day-to-day dealings with the world. If somebody has a problem with me… REALLY… it’s THEIR problem. It doesn’t work always, because it CAN’T work always, but I do give him credit for he made everything look so simple! Flawed, yet beautifully simple…

He was flawed too… Somewhere along the way, he withdrew from his ‘fair deal’, for reasons best known to him. By then, however, my parents had accepted my decision and they stood steady with me, even if it meant their bank balance being drained completely.

I feel incapable of putting in words what my parents have meant, and how much they have done for me, hence, I keep postponing it for future, for a time when I feel I just might be able to do a little fraction of justice to their love with my minor writing.

This piece, however, is to thank A – the man, who came into my life for a very short period of time, but who will always be remembered as the one who brought me LIFE… sooner than I would have imagined, or planned for myself!

That evening, when I came out of the Oberoi's, the sun was crimson. There were people strolling at the Marine Drive. I sat there for a while, a long while… feeling the breeze in my face and hair, saving that view in my memory for all times to come – the setting sun, the dusk, the skyline of Bombay, the Oberoi Hotel, the Marine Drive, every passerby – unaware witnesses of the Dawn in my life…


  1. 'You love the guy, if he loves you too, you get married. What his family thinks is not your problem. Don’t make it either'
    I agree with mysterious Mr.A completely. It is very very difficult for a transsexual girl (pre-op or post-op) to find the 'special one'. And you are very lucky to have that special person in your life.I strongly feel that you should talk with his family. At least give a try. All the best. I hope things work for you anyhow. Take care.:)

  2. " If somebody has a problem with me… REALLY… it’s THEIR problem. It doesn’t work always, because it CAN’T work always, but I do give him credit for he made everything look so simple! Flawed, yet beautifully simple…"

    Flawed yet beautifully simple!!!
    Kudos & a hard GPL for A

    Just cant admire your parents more for standing by your decision(though Im stil nt convinced it was as smooth as u hav made us believe)

    May God bless u with a John Abraham who has no problems though it would require a crazy straight guy to do that(as I mentioned me stil a lesser mortal who is yet to comprehend your acts-so plz dun consider this as an insult)

    PS: I ve given a small intro abt u & ur blog.Im getting a lot of traffic simply bcoz Im havin yo name in my post(8 Gazal Dhaliwal/Gunraj searches in google have been directed to my blog).So im sure a lot of people are reading this though not commenting probably bcoz its really hard to digest.

  3. Anonymous - Well, thanks for your innocent good wishes :-). But just for record, this post is a recollection of a day in my life from over two years ago. A lot of things and relationships have since got altered, deleted and added in my life. And lest you misunderstand, by 'relationship', I do not mean just 'love'. My transition period has brought me in touch with many wonderful people - trans as well as non-trans - who I really treasure and hold very dear to my heart.

    I agree that it takes a lot of luck for a transperson (man or woman) to find their soulmate, especially in a world where people think it'll take a "crazy" person to fall in love with them, yet, let's just say that the world is not made up of 'sane' people alone. Perhaps, that's what makes it as beautiful as it is! :-)

    Alex - I doubt that A would be reading this space, but if he ever does, he is sure going to go bonkers over figuring out the infamous abbreviation you have used out there! ;-)

    About my parents, really, I don't think I have made you believe anything. Certainly not that it was smooth. I have simply omitted their journey on my road to freedom... because I have saved it for some time in the future, as I say in my blog. And believe me, the last word to describe what they have gone through would be 'smooth'.

    Thank you for your prayers to the Almighty, seeking Him to Bless me with a crazy straight man who is a John Abraham without any problems. I also pray to Him to Bless you with deep understanding of a beautiful emotion, called 'love'.

    And finally, I have read your blog post with a passing reference to me. While on a personal level, I have a lot of issues with the way you have written it, I shall not bring them up since I do not believe in explanations and justifications.

    However, in those remarks, there is one thing which concerns more YOU than anybody else. The way you repeatedly underline that you have "no intentions to follow my foosteps" or that you have "no intention to change others' gender" screams out a need for a maturer outlook on life. Just that you're reading a transperson's accounts or that you're commenting on them does NOT imply that you're going to follow that path. This blog is not meant for transpersons alone. Your need for justification spells out something else, according to me. What that something else is, nobody can know better than you.

  4. May god listen to your prayers and answer it soon, not that I do not undertsand love ,but in your own words I wudnt complain if he gave me a deeper understanding.

    I am concerned that you had issues regarding whatever I passively reffered about you.I usually scribbe down my real life experiences , but just to introduce you I had created a plot partly from my imagination clubbed with my real life experiences where I could introduce you in such a way that people who read it dont stop over there.The fact that this particular idea dint have a taker in Gazal concerns me but as I said I admit im a lesser mortal.

    Regarding the "no intentions to follow my foosteps" thing, I watched yo interview in NDTV from youtube along with my friends after geting a reference from Shekhawath sir.So later on we searched for your orkut profile & from there got directed to your blog.So when I finally started posting a comment on your blog my friends started making fun of me , obviously trying to pull my leg since I play lots of pranks on them.What I wanted to mention here is that is how the so called "immature" world sees these things.

    In no way was I trying to be-little you nor do I intend to do.Probably what you have done is something really great which requires awareness which is best attained directly from people like you & your personal accounts.Though the fact that these things sound pretty odd to people like me who have never ever imagined in such terms is something which you should'nt ignore.

    Afterall whatever I have posted on my blog is my personal opinion(which some would find immature) & commented my opinion on your blog with your permission.I honestly dint try to justify anything but people who read these things may (however small the possibility is) think - "ahh here is another guy who is gonna turn a girl" , referring back to my frinds comments that day.Again im not concerned about "people" thinking in such terms but I wanted to avoid such a question directed to me.

    I apologize for my lack of maturity but I stand by whatever I have written.

  5. I love your blog. To me it is beautifully sweet, and honest. I'm a lesbian, and I've several good friends who are trans-folk. In my opinion, it is wonderful to get to see some of life from both gender angles. Marie

  6. I love your blog. To me it is beautifully sweet, and honest. I'm a lesbian, and I've several good friends who are trans-folk. In my opinion, it is wonderful to get to see some of life from both gender angles. Marie

  7. I am 16, and I am a transsexual. My life is in ruins, everything is broken, and I can't touch anything without breaking it. My parents have rejected me, I have no one to share my thoughts with. I am mostly alone, I want to talk to you. Please can you tell me a way to contact you?

  8. Alex - Firstly, I regret that I'm responding to your comment this late. I'm suddenly realizing that I live a busy life.. Hehe. I've terribly missed my blog but have had to stay away from it for various reasons, nevertheless.

    Coming to your blog post about CHANGE, well, like I've said previously, I'm not going to start a debate over my issues with it. You rightly say that it is your blog and you have every right to say whatever you feel, on it.

    However, I don't think there's any harm in letting you know that there is not only politically correctness but also sensitivity in addressing a transperson with their target gender - whether or not they have actually undergone a surgery... which would mean that a born Female who identifies with the Male gender (FTM - i.e. Female-to-Male) should be referred to as 'he' even before his surgery. And hence, the question of how to address him after the surgery should not even arise. Similarly, a born Male who identifies with the Female gender (MTF - for Male-to-Female) is 'she' - both before and after the surgery. Even though I think it should be obvious, I thought a little 'lesson' might help ;-)

    And yes, I understand all your concerns about people misunderstanding you because you comment on a trans-blog, but there's something that you will probably understand with time (and age, perhaps). I did, for sure. That at the end of the day, there is only one person in the world who needs to really know who you are. And, no prizes to guess... that one person is YOU! If there are a thousand people around you, they can have two thousand opinions about you, and you can spend your life trying to make them see WHY you are doing a certain thing, and WHY you are doing it in a certain way. They may or may not see, eventually. And trust me, it doesn't matter either ways.

    And lastly, my friend, if you really stand by what you say (and that's great anyway), then you owe no apologies to anybody... May God bless you!

  9. Marie - Thank you so much for telling me that you like my blog. It truly makes it worth the effort. I have quite a few gay and lesbian friends as well, and I often find myself revelling at the beautiful colours that God has painted into the world... :-)

    Do keep visiting, and forgive me for acknowledging your comment so late... Take care

  10. Anonymous - I don't know whether it would help you to hear this, but I'll say it all the same - I understand what you're going through... I too was very desperate, hopeless and helpless at 16. I had even run away from home and family at 16, but soon enough, I realized that my family was all I'd got.

    See, you're young and in your family's eyes, immature. On top of that, if you are aggressive and argumentative, then they might doubt your ability to think with a stable mind too. You need to make them believe (over a period of time) that you're mature enough to take your own decisions and that you know what you're getting into. It will take time but you have to stay at it...

    Friend, you have to accept that for reasons best known to Him, God has chosen you to live a harder life than any average person around you... And that makes you special! Since your problems are bigger, your courage and determination will have to be bigger too!

    But always remember that you must not get so desperate as to want all your problems to get resolved instantly. That can not happen. Instead, work on, say, a 7-year-plan. Study well, ensure a good career for yourself, have a decent bank balance so that if need be, you can go for the surgery without your family's support... And yet, gradually, keep working on your family. Try to educate them (try to educate yourself first about the various aspects of transsexuality), expose them to literature and facts regarding the issue, find a good psychiatrist to talk to them... But... Gradually! Take a good amount of time to discover yourself and make sure of how you're going to go about the entire process of transition when you have the resources necessary for it.

    Your circumstances are extraordinary, your grit and the will to succeed must be extraordinary too! My Best wishes and lots of love... Take care.

    Don't forget - Take it slow... and the Dawn will come... because... it HAS to!

  11. I am srry of wateva has passed by u ma'am,I kno u r a courageous person,and tht u have brought hope to many.....I dont hav much to say,except tht u rock,and May God Be With U every step of ur life.
    Take care

  12. Abhi07 - Thank you so much! May God bless you too! :-)

  13. hi it me babal is dunya main har kise ke liye koi na ko hoth hain aur app ke liye bhi koina koi hain aur vo bhoth lucky hain ke use app jas bivi milage my prayers always with u app ko itna payr milay ke is zindaze main samal na muskil ho jaye allah ne app ke liye b ek bhoth payr prince bana hain bus app dono ka mil app par chor daya hain or sahe waqt pay app ke mulakath ho gey that mere duwa haon apni alah se ke app ko itna acah husband aur family mile ke kusheo se bhar gahr hon aur pyar se bara dil hon inte paye life guzre ke phir jeno dil cahye

  14. Babal - Your wishes are really sweet. I hope aap ko bhi bohot bohot pyaar karne waala ek achha partner miley. Take care. All the best! :)

  15. My Dear Friend Gazal,

    You are one of the most beautiful, brave & honest girl on this earth. I really admire your honesty towards youself & your parents.I really admire your your bravery to cope up with this cruel world. I really praise & respect you firm decision that has made your life so beautiful.
    I wish you best of luck for your future & may God bless you.
    Now i want to share the secret of my life that i could not share with anyone but seems you are a right person.I am a 25 year male. I am a Management Graduate from a Renowned Management Institute working in Reputed Public Ltd.Co. as Finance Officer.
    My life is more or less like you at the age of 15 i had also realized that i am a female in male body. I also love to wear skirts (specially long), kurtis, traditional salwar suits, sarees, female undergarments, chappals etc. I also love to wear makeup. My fantacies are like a normal girl e.g. there would be someone who will take me in his strong arms & love me.I never see girls in my dreams like other boys.But i belong to a middle class family & they are very conservative.I am also only son of my parents. Neither they are able to understand my situation nor they can help me financially.
    Now i have left everything on GOD if he has given me gender dysphoria he will help me to get it out.
    I have same feelings like you i can feel how beautiful is your life after tranformation. I can understand being a woman is a great feeling that can't describe in words.

    Now please tell me what should i do?

    Mr. XYZ

  16. Hi XYZ! It's unfair, what God does to us, isn't it? That's how I used to think for years. It really is unfair, after all, when right at the time of birth, one's chance to be happy in life is taken away.

    But today, I look at it as an experience which has made me a richer human being. Adversity always makes you a stronger, more mature person. Today, I find myself capable of dealing with a lot of issues in life, very easily. Also, I've learnt so much on this tortuous journey that when I look back, it sometimes feels like 25 years of (a very taxing) education. :)

    Coming to what you should do, well, first things first, don't leave it to GOD! If he exists, then he clearly wants you to deal with it on your own, that's why he gave you the situation anyway. If he does not exist, then there is no point in leaving it to a non-existent entity, right?

    Get into action! Your happiness is not only your right, but also your responsibility. Nobody else is going to shoulder that responsibility for you. You'll have to do it yourself! Stay in communication with your parents, make them aware, inform them with facts and data, and gradually start the transition after you've got yourself evaluated by at least two independent psychiatrists. That is the foremost and most important step. You must be certified to be Gender Dysphoric before you proceed towards changing your body. So, go for it, and get yourself evaluated. You'll see once you take one step at a time, you won't even know when the journey got over.

    Take care, XYZ, and all the best! :)

  17. Hi! Gazal di!!......Nimayka here....First of all thanks for ur reply.....Di!!I told u na that I'm going for my psuchiatric evaluation on 8th june along with my father...& I had started my hrt from mid of do you think that I should tell this to my papa doesnt knw abt that......
    Also I wanted to know that if my psychiatrist will declare me as a gender dysphoric person....then from where I have to start???.......& what will be the neccessary things which I should follow till my surgery(including the maintenance of my documents, name change, passport & things like that ).....I m very confused & a little bit nervous coz I knw I will be the only one handling all this father can only help me to some extent na.....
    so please let me knw abt all this..
    Also I want to knw is there any kind of adverse health effects of surgery......or the effects are bearable......& did u suffer any of the unwanted effects of surgery.....coz I think the only disadvantage of srs is loosing the ability to bear a child.....& I am okay with that coz I believe that every child is special & a beautiful creation of I dont believe in the concept of 'OWN CHILD' still I am a little worried if there is any adverse health issue which can occur after the surgery......
    Please reply me soon as possible.......
    thank you......bye........:)


Civility check done? :-)